Its called resting "I hate my life and I'm dead inside" face

[Imissmysun]

I am not in a good head space today...

I am tired and I have so much on my plate it makes my head spin -

My finances are a mess - my step kids and bio babies are all traumatized and hurt little people that my hurt traumatized person has to try to help

I HATE my job - my boss is a coward who just slaughters you with your negative mistakes and never ever ever admits that you actually can do your job -

I seriously feel like I want to crawl under a rock and go back to dead today

I feel numb - I feel ike I want to cry but that would take WAY too much work...

My step son had a very violent episode last night threatening everyone in the house and our dogs with a knife and I had to take him to our local emergency psychology hospital

I have no respite I have no time when I am not over-burdened with suckitude - and I am constantly remended that I can do no right - EVER

These are days where I just feel like giving up - I am just so tired

Thanks for listening

[Cami]

It feels like you are an incredibly strong person, who keeps the shit together, because your circumstances demand it of you.

I think you do something you can be proud of, in your daily grind. I hope you now and then find a little time to rest.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you Cami. I wish my mental voice would be that supportive but i feel like healthy me could do so much more and therefore not living up to that potential makes me a failure.

Also its so wierd but when im in a dark place laughing at things makes me feel like im cheating on my depression.

Like im making it not a real thing like im not really sufferi v from it. And that makes me a liar.

But anyway, i really really appreciate the kind words they mean a lot!

[rivergirl]

Imissmysun,
I was just reading your diary entry about your 12-year old stepson being hospitalized. You're a caregiver to so many, it's no wonder you're exhausted. You sound like what oak called something like an "everyday hero". I wish you were able to see that in yourself.

rivergirl

[Imissmysun]

Thank you river,

Those are all the words i have right now and crying feelings that i cant explain...

But thank you

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

Good morning

I read the diary entry too.

I am speechless.

But I will be getting words shortly. Of that I have no doubt.

Just a warning: about all the kind feedback you're getting; there could be a negative effect.

You might be experiencing 'kindness' on a new level in this forum and from my own life, it might be, in all seriousness, deeply distressing for you. if you're not used to the kindness, that's coming from the forum, and not ready for that 'first wave', as it were, it can be easily mis-felt as that crawling-out-of-your-skin danger.

You can also have a flashpoint where you suddenly feel the clear difference between this genuine kindness and what people in your real life might be giving out, which, with your 'new eyes' may not be kind at all. Or, at least not as kind as you need. This can be distressing too.

It is a very delicate thing. It takes a while to find a new place to stand.

Just give yourself room to just... whatever you need. I wish I could hold that space for you. I am holding it from where I am.

Call your therapist and other medical support if you need it.

[Imissmysun]

Thank you Beany -

And I know that my feelings are a mixed bag right now - I am equal parts thankful and also still questioning my self worth - like am I worth all this kindness and if so why can't I just be kind to myself - (I know that those are skills that need to be developed but it seems like such a simple concept... just be kind to myself... So not easy to implement)

I guess I never thought about the weird ramifications of people being nice to you - its kinda messed up - what a whammy this world has played on my brain

THank you for listening and reading my diary - and for thinking of me and please if anyone has any other thoughts to help I am all ears

[Beany Boo]

I wish my mental voice would be that supportive but i feel like healthy me could do so much more and therefore not living up to that potential makes me a failure.

This is a big one for me, so much so that I've been trying to find a way to respond to this particular sentence for a number of days now. I'm struggling to find a way to respond to it that is not just taking your clear words and making them about me or 'man-splaining' depression to someone who doesn't need "another fucking explanation."

I think it might just be a topic for an ongoing conversation. But stop reading now if you don't feel like indulging in this.

Anyway, I've come to a point now where I've realised two major things. I sincerely hope it helps one or both of us to voice them here:

• 1. In depression, it doesn't matter what you think, or hear others say; it is always going to be 'tainted' by the depressive chemicals that are continuously coating anything that passes through your mind. It's your brain saying, "This environment and surrounds are officially an unsafe zone. Paint all input with distrust, pain and uncertainty for the sake of self-preservation, pending further notice." An amazing defence mechanism but a horrible full time auto-response.
  
  2. I've begun to see my own mental voice as that of my parents and the general setting of my growing up all melded together. There were a lot of instances where (from my adult view) I would have naturally expected rescue to occur and it just didn't. The voice I hear is an emotionally charged absence, a dead spot. It is the absence of someone, anyone stepping in at a crucial moment and saying 'You're doing just fine, this is normal for this new and difficult situation". It would have been simple to do, but wasn't and has left me reliant on help that will now never come. So as an adult, I might be doing something routine and think to myself, "I'm not sure how to do this" and I'm secretly waiting for this visceral memory of encouragement. It's a force that simply doesn't exist; the silence feels excruciating. That is how a child's need for support not being met feels, even in an adult's body; not being met by the grown ups you were bonded to in infancy. Unfortunately, someone from the adult present saying these words is simply no substitute for the real thing.

There is more to say, and it feels important to say it to someone rather than just out into the ether. But I don't want to push it or outstay my welcome in your post. I'll keep pondering it.

Depression is not an absolute state for me anymore. I am at a point where I can tolerate kindness, let it rejuvenate me, and can almost ask out loud for it to be repeated (about a 2 year process in total, for that one step).

And I'm also at a point where I'm not waiting for that voice; for it not to be there. I don't think I am as far along with this because I can't really say what I do instead. I think it's a case of, I've lifted the disguise on my parents 'act' and can see the similarity between that voice in my head and their actual 'live' voices (even though my dad has passed I can hold him up to this, as I remember him). I've begun calling bullshit on them, to their faces. And it's not just their neglect, it's the consequential experiences I was left in. And again, I can tolerate the value that my actions have today, and wait for the strange new evidence of that value to show up in the present world, from independent sources. Mentalpod forum, a case in point.

Thank you for your time.