I just can't cope

[Beany Boo]

I read your post.

[Namu]

Sir-knob-head,

Are you still with us?

I'm so inexpressibly sorry for what you've been through. *So* much of the anger you express is just like mine -- the futility, the unfairness, the idiocy of reality's/life's arrangement, the apparently endless-until-death taunting struggle. I haven't gone to other threads to get a fuller picture of your story so far, but I did read through this one, and I see that your post here from last March was the last time you posted on the forum. I worry.

I am impressed with how you have kept returning here and reaching out, "using your words," as another poster said. Trying to express the fury of utter frustration --especially trying to express it in words, rather than melt-down actions -- can seem like it will only add to the feelings, but sometimes it does help. It is good to keep reaching out for help, in whatever direction your trust remains intact. I hope this forum has been only trustworthy for you, so that it can continue to be a safe place to reach for.

You have tremendous sympathy from me. I don't know whether you can find relief in this life. I hope so more than I can say.

I hope you'll come back and let us know how you're doing. There are, from what I see in this thread, several on this forum who care about you, want good things for you, and wish we had the answers you need.

May you find peace, very soon, of a sort that lasts, and may it come about in some surprising way. Since non-surprising possibilities haven't done the job, it would be nice if something unanticipated arrived on your doorstep. Plus, pleasant surprises are fun. I wish you pleasant, wholesome, truly helpful surprises.

Namu

[Sir-knob-head]

I'm still breathing. Not sure where this paths leads me but I'm committed.

I'm medicated now. But that's brought about a whole new load of hurdles to get over

I'm struggling. . I was forced to try and move out which back fired on me in a very very big way. .

I can't listen to the podcast lately. . Because of the break up paul is going through leaving me triggered. It's not his fault and I have sooooooooooo much compassion for him. But I can't. I just can't

I find myself burying my head into audiobooks listening to the life stories and documented crime spree of the mafia. Serial killers like the green river killer ( Gary ridgeway) . To ted bundy to john wayne gacy to British fucks like myra Hindley and fred and rose West

Thank you namu. . Your message touched me greatly

You can follow my adventures whatever I'm doing from bike rebuilds to riding adventures on Instagram. I'm at ' ant.reeves'

[Namu]

Hooray!! You're back! I mean, I know that doesn't agree with your feelings, but I'm very glad to see you anyway.

I'm glad you know to retreat from what triggers you, even if, for now, it's the podcast.

Your audiobook choices seem *awfully* dark; is there another genre that you also enjoy? Something about good and healthy people who find more wholesome ways to embrace their inner darkness? I'd offer recommendations, but that's a fool's game, since people's tastes diverge so much.

Please tell us more about what you're going through. Especially if you're having to do without Paul's voice in your ear on a regular basis, you ought to have extra support.

Thank you very much for reaching out again.

Namu

[Sir-knob-head]

A lot triggers me. But most I can't avoid. People arguing makes me want to cower away and hide. Or I get incredibly angry. For a long while!

Yea although my listening choices are very dark. It's mainly based on wanting to understand how someone like these people tick. I am hoping to one day be a physiologist. .

But. . I am coming to terms with understanding myself. I have a few different sides to me.
Some are very violent and horrible. Towards what I'd consider the right people. . I lust over evil horrible people suffering. And to an extent. I'd love to inflict the pain. I'd love to be let loose on a pedophile for instance. . Make him feel more pain than he could imagine. .

But it stops there. I have no conscience for people that have no humanity towards others. Murderers pedophiles etc

But I'm the first to stand in the way of a piece of scum guy hitting a woman or child. It fries my fucking blood

Sometimes I don't know which person I am. . Although I don't define myself as having multi personalities. . I definitely have polar opposites to my personalities.

But a lighter listening choice is the examined life by stephen grosz. It's brilliant. He's a psycho analyst

Life goes on. It's a roller-coaster. .

[rivergirl]

Hi Sir-Knob-Head,
I just wanted to say that I'm really glad you're still here. I had worried about you after not seeing any posts from you for quite a while.

rg

[Sir-knob-head]

Do people see how broke I am. . Do people know what I know about myself. . I wish I could step out if my own body. And fucking destroy it. The sooner trump unlocks the nukes on this doomed planet the better

[Namu]

Sir-knob-head, fellow suffering soul,

I'm so sorry you're still in such pain.

You haven't mentioned what supports you have in place these days. Do you have a therapist? A support group? No one ought to have to suffer without real, in-person people to witness and to help.

I don't think anyone here knows how broke you are. You haven't told us much about your situation lately. Do you mean you're money-broke, or broken-broke? I am interested in what you're experiencing.

Will you please continue to use this forum to put words to it? Maybe it will help clear away some of the overwhelm if you can talk/write through it, and sort out the worst parts. Sometimes when I tell my therapist about something that's got me triggered -- say, I get an upsetting letter from a family member, or am feeling panicked about my money situation -- she'll say (in a way that sounds not minimizing but really seeking to understand) something like, "What's so bad about this situation?" She's not implying that it seems not so bad to her; she wants to know what in particular, exactly, is the worst part, the greatest fear, the most upsetting aspect for me. She's smart enough to see that what seems like it would be the most upsetting to her, if she were in a similar situation, might not be the part that's got me upset. It surprises me how often that question from her helps cut through the tidal wave of awful and shows me that there's a nugget in there that, unlike the whole tidal wave, can be grasped, addressed, reframed or re-examined, and generally removed from the driver's seat.

I really hope you're doing all you can to get what you want and need. I hate it that you're in so much pain. All we can do here is love from a distance; we rely on each other to be good advocates for ourselves.

If you saw someone you loved going through what you are, what would you do to help? Can you use the answer to that to find a next step to take on your own behalf?

Thank you so much for posting again. I look forward to your next post.

With love and concern,

Namu

[rivergirl]

I don't know how bad things are for you, Sir-knob-head, but I know that still being here can seem like a terrible curse to some of us at times. Even as I was typing that I'm glad you're still here, I was wondering if that is even an appropriate thing to say to someone who might still be in seemingly unbearable pain. I feel inadequate to help in any way, except to say that you don't deserve to suffer so much.