Depression is the new norm

[Ziggy]

I'm 17, just about to graduate high school. I've struggled with mood swings, anxiety, self harm, disordered eating and suicidal ideation since I was 14. Because of my parents I can't seek treatment until I move out (which is this summer, hopefully). I've been to a bit of therapy but I was too paranoid for it to do any good and I stopped going. I don't have any formal diagnoses.

I've been adamant this whole time that I'm not depressed. I have severe mood swings and sometimes I feel depressed but I'm sure I don't have depression, if that makes any sense. It's possible I'm bi-polar, though my mood swings usually don't last very long. I identify strongly with the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, but every therapist I've mentioned it to has laughed at me.

This past week I've had a bad cold and I haven't been going to school or anywhere else, and it's been really nice. Obviously it's reasonable to rest when you're sick, but I'm kind of concerned about how easy it was for me to just spend a week in my room. Emotionally, I'm feeling better than I have in months, mostly just because I haven't had any human interaction to overanalyse and stress about.

I'm worried this is going to make me sound like a bad person, but I really don't want to be diagnosed with depression because it's so common these days. Half the people I know have had a therapist tell them they're depressed. Unless my understanding of depression is deeply flawed (which is possible), there's something else going on with me.

I do often get feelings of intense joy or sorrow, and the times I feel the happiest are when I'm engaging in activities I love. I just know from experience that if you take a suicidal 17 year old and hand her to your average mental health care provider, they'll say she's depressed and send her on her way.

I know in the grand scheme of things the labels don't matter, but I've been really struggling to figure out who I am and why I feel the things I do. To me, a diagnosis would make me feel more justified that the pain I've caused myself and others isn't my fault. When I don't have a way to explain it, I don't have a way to take the blame off myself.

Hopefully that makes some kind of sense. Just curious if anyone can relate, or provide insight.

[manuel_moe_g]

Diagnoses are to serve the patient. Whatever your diagnosis, you deserve to leave the pain behind. Please take care, all the best.

[Scratch]

"I know in the grand scheme of things the labels don't matter, but I've been really struggling to figure out who I am and why I feel the things I do."

A diagnosis will help that my friend, not hinder.

"To me, a diagnosis would make me feel more justified that the pain I've caused myself and others isn't my fault. When I don't have a way to explain it, I don't have a way to take the blame off myself."

Then so be it! It will at least help put things in a certain perspective. The fact that you're concerned with blaming yourself is already proof in itself that you feel guilt. This could help you deal with the pain and guilt?

[marcusfreestone]

I was finally told I had depression when I was 25 and in some ways it was a relief that there was something definable wrong with me and that i wasn't just a useless piece of self-pitying shit. I'm now almost 42 and have come to the conclusion that depression is just another illness I have and need to work around to live my life as best I can. If you can see it as an illness that comes and goes rather than 'part of you' it makes it much easier to ride out the mental troughs. Depression is very common nowadays but everyone's individual life experiences and triggers are unique to them. I've had a lot of problems arising from my childhood (haven't we all!) and working through them (on my own, no therapy) has made me feel hugely better about myself. Now, when I'm not depressed, I'm pretty happy almost all the time. When I get depressed I deal with it and grind it out until I feel better.