An uncomfortable baseline.

[Joekababazae]

So this isn't anything new to me but it's been bugging me lately so I thought I'd post about it.

So occasionally I'll have a complete breakdown and life turns into a living hell very fast. I've accepted those as normal, at least for me, and that most people do not have these God awful episodes, at least not as frequently as I do. But what is striking me as odd is my baseline mood which is quite depressed. I never realized that I'm never really happy, and that I'm always anxious and depressed even when I'm with my friends. I never stop worrying, nothing makes me happy, and I just feel completely empty. I would usually say "whatever" to all that because it only happens from time to time, but it doesn't, it never stops at all. Even when I'm in a "normal" mood, I find myself thinking that other people hate me, that I'm inept in everything I do, that I'm hideous, and that I need to die; I starting to realize that I've accepted these things as facts. I know I need to die, that's just a given. I know that I'm incredibly ugly and that no one will ever want me and that I'll always be alone. I know I'm not living up to my potential and that said potential probably doesn't even exist because I'm a genetic defect. I know I won't make it through school and that I'll never become who I want to be. All of these things are facts, they really are. I can't see myself getting old and being with someone, I just don't. Whenever anyone says anything about my future such as being a father or getting married I always say "we'll see". It'll probably happen sometime in the next ten years but who knows, maybe I'll chicken out and live the rest of my life in a haze of misery and mediocrity. These things aren't something I only think about when I'm having an episode, they're constant and always present. I don't know why I'm posting this, maybe just to get it off my chest, who knows....

[littlem]

Your post was me about 8 years ago, before I started my journey to recovery. I still have some ups and downs, but I've realized that a lot of what I believed was true then was my brain lying to me (yep, your brain can do that!), and my "baseline" is much happier.

Please reach out and get some support. Recovery is all about baby steps, not leaps forward.

[fieldingmellish]

I know how you feel. Everything is a struggle and you wonder how much longer you'll be able to muster the energy to keep fashioning that delicate facade before it cracks for ever. I don't know if I have the energy to maintain a normal life, and I've stripped away so many layers that I have almost nothing left.

[Snowball]

Ya, I feel similarly. I've been trying different medications for a couple months now and every time the psychiatrist asks me how I feel I say: pretty much the same. The drugs have basically stopped me having major depressive episodes but like you mention my baseline mood is still pretty low even without these episodes. I started thinking that maybe drugs can't help me feel happy since I have nothing to actually feel happy about. I have no friends, no girlfriend, no social life at all, no job, no hobbies, no passions etc. I sit on the computer all day... How could I possibly be happy about that? I'm thinking that I might feel happier once I change my behavior but that's much easier said than done.

[SonicCat24]

Joe, your post perfectly describes what I'm going through and have been going through for the past 10 years. It was an incredibly sad day when recently I realized that, like you, my baseline is, at best, mild depression and pervasive anxiety. I don't even remember what "normal" feels like. What I would like more than anything is one day where I was unaffected by depression/anxiety. If I could just see what it looks like, maybe I'd find the motivation to really make changes in my life. It makes it very hard to describe to my psychologist how I feel, relatively speaking, because I have nothing but emptiness to compare it to. Maybe a better question than "How have you been feeling lately?" would be "How suicidal have you been lately?" Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I hope you find some happiness.

-B