love sickness?

[Joekababazae]

I was at work the other day when I started thinking about her. I thought about her eyes, eyes as deep as the ocean. I thought about her hair, black as the night and braided perfectly. I thought about her smile, a smile that can melt any heart, even one as cold as mine. I thought about her kindness and enthusiasm, so genuine and real. I thought about her and a pit formed in my stomach, a pressure was building in my head. I started to wretch and gag, not because I find the young woman I thought about disgusting, but because the state of having feelings for someone makes me physically ill with stress and anxiety. I’ve always been extremely anxious whenever I have feelings for someone, it terrifies me like nothing else and so for the last few years I’ve avoided having these feelings for anyone in hopes of not breaking down completely. But recently I have not been able to stop thinking about this young woman, someone I know well but rarely see, and I do not enjoy having these feelings. I get worked up to the point of having horrible thoughts about myself and I’ve known for the past few years that thoughts of romance or “crushes” are major triggers for having an explosive anxiety attack, so I avoid these feelings like the plague. I try not to think about her or convince myself that I do not have feelings for her but I don’t think my efforts are effective. I don’t think I’ll break down like I have in the past but I honestly don’t know what to do. I’d like to have a relationship one day but I’m just too broken to be with anyone…