Giving myself a pep talk

[kitkat]

Thanks weary! I feel bad sometimes about using this forum to ramble out my stresses, but it really does help to get stuff down.

And, yes, the show was awesome! My fiancee is in to improv classes, so we have been going to see a lot recently and I really enjoy it. I love Drunk History too! One of the only shows on right now that constantly makes me laugh. It feeds my silly sense of humor, hehe.

[kitkat]

This post has turned in to my ranting thread. I think that's ok?

So, on Saturday, my fiancee and I are meant to go out to a bar with a bunch of his friends (who are also sort of my friends, but more so his), and originally I was only maybe going to go. I don't like to commit to things because, you know, anxiety and what not. I like having the option to slink out.

At the same time, I have been getting fed up with friends of mine. I have been realizing that I have been trying way to hard to keep friends who give nothing back to me. Maybe that sounds selfish, but I think it's more of, I can't waste my time anymore reaching out to people who don't reply to me or who don't start conversations first or who don't make plans. I think I need more self respect than this. I need to say, fuck this, I do not have to pull teeth to get people to interact with me. Maybe I am not the friend who brings the drama and emotion and I don't have the crazy stories to tell and I am awkward, but, so what. I have given this enough, and it is not just one person, and I have decided I am done. I am kind of tired of being the dog that runs to people for attention.

So that has been happening the past couple days as I have realized certain things, and then there is this Saturday, where I am iffy on going. But, then, maybe I need to be sociable with people who actually invite me to things. Maybe I need to give those people my attention instead. I may end up just going for a bit, but maybe a little social interaction will be nice where I don't have to feel like I am forcing people to be around me. That could be nice. We'll see what happens.

[manuel_moe_g]

But, then, maybe I need to be sociable with people who actually invite me to things. Maybe I need to give those people my attention instead.

This sounds ideal.

Sounds like you are successfully navigating between staying social and making sure your social experiences are meaningful.

All the best, cheers!

[Salt]

I just wanted to let you know I appreciated this:

Obviously, this is obvious, but I thought it in a different way than I usually do, which was not so much that, "I can't go to this because I have anxiety," but instead I thought, "I WANT to go to this, and I have anxiety that is trying to stop me."

I think it is an important and powerful difference because in the first instance you are identifying with the anxiety: the anxiety is you, what it wants you want. You are letting the anxiety define you, and in so doing you give it undo power. In the second instance, anxiety becomes something you are dealing with, but not something that is the core of who you are. You are not the anxiety, the anxiety is merely something you feel - it is real, it is potent, but it is no longer everything. You have desires and concerns and a life and a self that are beyond it. And I think making that mental shift is important in being able to reclaim your life, and make the change from anxiety being something that controls your life to being something you are able to live meaningfully with.

Anyway, you experience/epiphany has helped me understand where my own negative thinking has come from, and what gives it power. I have been struggling with anxiety and insecurity recently - I have with varying degrees my whole life, but lately the negativity and self-laceration has become especially potent and devastating, and I have been at a loss to explain how/why my fluctuating baseline insecurity has become so out of control, and you've helped be understand the mechanism behind it. I have been identifying more readily and fervently with every negative thought I have about myself until it is all I have see/remember.

Alright, enough rambling from me!

[kitkat]

Thanks Manuel! It doesn't always feel like I'm on the right track, but sometimes I think I can get there.

Salt, PLEASE ramble away, haha. I sometimes feel like I talk way too much on this forum, so I can't be the only one. I'm glad my post helped you, it's so good to know that I'm not just typing in to the air, hehe.

It really is a tough thing to remember that our mental states are not actually us, but just something we have to go through. Maybe that's why I get so sensitive when people talk about it or about anxiety disorders in general, like they're attacking me and not some other thing. I get so frustrated when I hear people on TV or whatnot saying, "omg I'm going to have a panic attack," like it's the hip new disorder or whatever. Like they're making light of the thing that keeps me from having a life, but it really is just that, a THING. I guess it's just one of those things you have to keep reminding yourself until your brain knows it automatically.

And I'm rambling again, ahem. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling down lately. These things do tend to come in waves, but the thing to remember is that the waves pass too! /hugs