Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[oak]

Thanks BGG! Your good wishes worked because I had an amazing time.

While I didn't kiss (sigh) or invite anyone out, I otherwise give myself an A++ for my hierarchy: I talked to strangers, many of the band members, I stayed the whole time, I used the public bathroom, and stood up straight (tight core, shoulders back then down, chin up) while I listened to the amazing music.

Four women flirted with me: two "happened" to stand next to me from out of the blue, another asked me all sorts of questions (and remembered my [common] name), and the girl I went there to see nervously dropped her phone while talking to me.

Once again I am astonished at how kind people are: both strangers and my friends. I reminded my friends that it has been four months since my breakdown, and they were kind and encouraging.

I had a great time, it went well, and I am glad I faced my fears. I intend to continue to eat well (based on a mostly Aztec diet of beans, corn, quinoa, chia) and gently exercise, because I want to have a little more bicep in my polo shirt the next show I go to

Financial

I sat down to take a frank look at where I am now, where I need to be in three weeks to sign the apartment lease, and how I will budget my income so I can take care of my needs through this process. I believe my bad back pain this week has been caused my financial worries. Now I have everything in black and white. What I've prioritized, planned for. I feel better.

Wellness

I've enrolled in my employer's sleep hygiene initiative.

Psychological

I am looking forward to my intake session with the multimodal therapist on Thursday.

[oak]

Tomorrow I go, for the first time, to the EAP-counselor recommended counselor/therapist. His method is multimodal.

My anxiety is a 4.3 out of 10. I'll report back this tomorrow as to how it goes.

Two secrets to get off my chest!:

I am 41 and have

(1) never been in a serious, committed relationship. Were I to be brutally honest, of my three girlfriends, two were great women, but I wasn't attracted to them, physically. This fills me with regret.

(2) not saved $1 over my 25 years of working. Hamilton tickets are going on sale Friday, for as low as $60 each (!), and I cannot afford them. This fills me with shame.

[oak]

Social Anxiety

I went to my intake session for multimodal therapy. He seems like a good guy, and he showed genuine interest in my intake/background.

I am ready for any plan to face my social anxiety, but we'll need to get to the fireworks factory of getting in front of actual women and making friends.

I told him that I am ready to do anything legal and moral immediately. I am very lonely.

Let me ask you, my friends: do you think I'll be okay?

[manuel_moe_g]

Excited to hear about your therapy. I think you will be more than just okay, because you are taking this very seriously and you are being emotionally honest and gutsy.

[brownblob]

I don't know what the hell multimodal, but I'm sure you will be okay. You set your mind to things and are willing to work for them. I believe in you Oak.

[bigeekgirl]

I think you will be more than okay. I believe this because you are willing to put in the work. I'm proud to call you friend.

[rivergirl]

Hey Oak,

I'm glad to hear the concert went well for you, and so glad that you're giving therapy a try.

I usually listen to podcasts rather than the radio, but for some reason turned on my local college radio station when I got in my car after work a couple of days ago. They were playing "Hold On" by the Alabama Shakes. I believe I first heard that song when you shared it here on the forum with me when I was struggling.

So I say, "Hold on, Oak!" You're okay, and I believe you'll eventually be able to feel that way, and even better than okay, more of the time.

rivergirl

[oak]

Thank you MM, BB, BGG, and RG!

You encouragement means everything to me.

[oak]

If I may speak honestly about an anxious experience, even though I may not come across well.

Anxiety: Sacredness of my person, and my personal space

Bookending 1 of 2: Visit two martial arts studios this week.

Today I was shaken when a young man (though old enough better) invaded my personal space, in a very public area. I am proud that I instinctively told him to back up. "You're coming too close." He just smiled like an idiot and continued towards me. I stuttered when I told him this. He didn't hurt me, but I was rattled.

Ordinarily men tend to give me a respectful distance. I encourage this by dressing well, respecting their space. What I really mean (and this is where I come across bad) is privilege.

While there will always be some oblivious or aggressive men who won't respect my personal space (and my personal space, and person, are my most prized possessions, along with my name), most men are very respectful indeed.

For those who won't be respectful, I have to admit that sometimes, and in different circumstances, I am pushed around and threatened by other men. I know this in my heart to be true.

So, if I may bookend: in the next week I want to visit a specific local ji jitsu studio, and a specific local tae kwan do studio.

Bookend 1a. I've emailed the tae kwan do place

Bookend 1b. I will ask my boss to leave early a few days this week so I can eat a light dinner before going (so I can avoid HALT).

I'll report back, with the second half of my bookend, when I've completed it

Social

I went to the mall to drop off a thank you note to the kind retail person who sold me the shirt for the big show last weekend. I did so, which was the extent of what I was able to accomplish, and I knew it.

I was only able to get to step 2 of my hierarchy: being within ten feet of beautiful woman. I saw a very attractive woman with hair the color of a new penny, and I knew I would usually say something flirty to her, but I couldn't do it today. I am enough.

Financial

A minor financial setback created anxiety that I won't be able to afford my apartment deposit in two weeks. I immediately adjusted my budget, balanced my checkbook, and revised my (prepaid) phone plan. All of my needs will continue to be met. Some wants (specifically weekly orange chicken that I look forward to all weekend) are not included, but I hope to reinstate them a month from now.

[rivergirl]

Thank you for sharing, Oak.

I think it takes bravery to share about these topics.