Ongoing: living anxiety workbook

[bigeekgirl]

*hugs* I know it stings. Be glad you didn't end up in a relationship with such a woman.

[oak]

[sound of good karma being sent]

Thank you, BGG. I went down the rabbit hole of grief yesterday, and your thoughtful post was a buoy, or other nautical analogy device that helped me. I am sending you good karma.

Musing

I felt the grief, deeply, yesterday: it was as if each cell in my body were electrocuted. I embraced the grief, accepting myself and my experience, as much as it sucked. Then I felt better. I remembered that the only safe place for me is on my feet, inviting out a beautiful woman, or asking for help with my personal finances.

Action Taken

Dating

While buying some El Pato tomato sauce (see below) I spied a gorgeous blond woman, with curves in all the right places let me tell you. We had a nice little chat, I invited her out, she politely declined, then I semi-smoothly talked to her about El Pato. While the woman who stood me up is, objectively, beautiful, I must admit that this woman is more beautiful.

Dental

Though I was super exhausted from grieving most of the day yesterday, last night I got up and did my dental cleaning routine. It felt great. (See below.)

Anxiety Workbook

I actually did what this thread is supposed to be about! I read it for about a half hour, and it was great. Per the book, I have scheduled several social and financial anxiety exposures for this week.

"Coming Out", in small-r Anxiety Recovery

I have a good friend, though a great guy, is younger than me and doesn't really understand the experience of katabasis (going down and out). I'm calling him today, and will be honest about my truth of anxiety, and small-r recovery.

Eating and Exercise

Per the anxiety workbooks, exercise and especially eating are huge parts of my wellness. Inspired by the Forks Over Knives adjacent John McDougall, I am mostly whole food plant based, mostly starches diet. I feel great, I am down 25 pounds, and my biometric numbers are much improved. I am drawn to Mexican American food. Quinoa, beans, tortilla, enchilada sauce.

I Am Together

While that woman should not have stood me up, I realize I am a better person because of the preparation. I got my teeth cleaned, new shoes, and my car looks great. I don't know if I am "hot" (I have no reference for hot guys), but I saw my reflection and thought I looked "together" and "solid". I certainly move differently.

In other words, the supposed date wasn't about her, it was about me. I brought out the better me.

[manuel_moe_g]

Very proud of you, Oak, proud to consider you a friend.

[oak]

Thank you, Manuel Moe. Your encouragement means alot to me.

In fact, in honor of you, I held myself to a higher standard, and took direct action. "Manuel Moe thinks highly of me. I know I can do better", I thought to myself, and took action (see below) only because of my new identity that you so generously shared, Manuel Moe.

Action Taken Today

Financial

Today I had a phone consultation with a financial advisor. She said I'm doing fairly well! This person was very kind.

I also faced my anxiety. and set up a schedule to sign a lease for an apartment in six weeks. I was kind and direct about asking how much $ I'd need, and the leasing manager was very kind.

(75% of facing my anxiety is, in practice, saying what I mean to say in really clear, painfully spelled-out ways. Zero subtlety, lots of painful clarity.)

Dating

Today I faced my fear again, and this one was tough, when I invited out an attractive woman, let me tell you. I was immediately attracted to her, so I started saying hopefully charming blabber. She smiled and laughed at my charming nonsense, and when she touched her hair (an obvious and playful sign of attraction), I knew I'd ask her out. I was intimidated because she had curves in all the right places, but I did I invited her out anyway. She declined, semi-politely, and I began talking again about the charming silliness we were discussing before. We were laughing and having a great time. I was very light and playful. She is the 17th woman I've invited out.

Social

My friend's show is in three weeks, and I stopped by the "hip" clothing store for inspiration. Previously I had told the lovely young woman working there about my plan, and she was pleased to see me. She told me (after I asked her to) that despite my often failing efforts to eat right and exercise, that I Am Enough. She even said that I Am More Than Enough.

Lesson Learned: I am amazed at how many lovely people there are in the world. So many kind people.

[oak]

I got ambitious in the last 24 hours and invited out six women. They all said no, but were so kind.

(I've asked out a total of 24 women in the last six weeks. 23 have said no [all kindly], and one said yes but stood me up.)

Action Taken

1. I found out late Friday that a gorgeous vendor rep left her position, and no longer works for one of our suppliers. I immediately messaged her on LinkedIn, Friday at 5:00 pm. Not good odds, but they are the only odds I have.

Today I drove to a mall an hour plus away, in the next state. (I liked the idea of being in a new state, a new state of mind.)

2. A very attractive brunette, who declined with obvious regret. Of the 24 women I've invited out, she was the most clearly attracted to me.

3. Another brunette who was sort of charmed. I felt considerable anxiety inviting her out.

4. An indifferent blond woman, who was kind.

5. A blond coworker of woman #4, five minutes later, who was attracted to me indeed. She declined with regret, and stated that she felt flattered. She was super nice.

Believe it or not, my anthem was playing while I was inviting her out!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUFL8WSxTgY

This song is my religion: even before his mother is done giving him (appearantly) pessimistic news, he already resolved to go the whole wide world to find her. That's the kind of man I am striving to be.

6. Stopping a Mexican restaurant, since I am enchanted by enchiladas, I met my match. Last week I asked the universe to send a beautiful Latina for me to invite out, to measure myself against facing my anxiety. I noted that she was a dreamboat, wore glasses (sexy!), and had curves in all the right places. I was equal to what Life was asking of me, and I invited her out. She declined, saying that if she didn't have a boyfriend she would have accepted.

There are three billion women in the world, and they can't all say no.

And if they do, that's okay too, because I can now face Death knowing that I've lived according to what was demanded of me.

[brownblob]

You are way more persistent than I could ever be. You are like the energizer bunny.

[rivergirl]

Way to go, Oak!

rivergirl

[oak]

Thank you my friends! Your encouragement helps me!

I got the flu this week, and I think I have an ulcer from an overprescription of antibiotics. I'm taking a week off of "anxiety work" for self-care.

Since I'm not one for keeping secrets, and I've already told my doctor and boss, here is the Big Big Anxiety Facing News for the next 3.5 months:

Big Big Anxiety-Facing Plan. Big.

In early July, if the moment is right (and I already know the criteria), everything I've worked, strived, and sacrificed for in the nearly ten years since getting sober will come together, I am going to

(highlight to reveal)

Confess a great love.

I'll also recommend

that we run away

and

get married.

As you can tell, I have some action to take in the next few months to get ready for such a moment!

[oak]

Between the flu and antibiotic-induced ulcer, this was a lost week as far facing my anxiety.

This week I hope to do better with effecting action in these areas I'd sooner avoid:

1. Call the intake for the psychologists my EAP counselor recommended. (30 min)

2. Read the anxiety workbooks (10 min/day)

3. Contact my retirement portfolio company to get clarity about my retirement savings (15 min)

4. Social anxiety hierarchies (ie asking out attractive women). (1 hour, 3 times this week)

5. Talk with physical therapist about back pain (1 hour)

6. Budget for next pay period (30 min)

7. Experience joy: listen to music from when I was 19 (circa 1995), watch two Hallmark movies, and wear my pink tie in a full Windsor knot (swagger!).

I am also hoping to go on a date Saturday. I'm betting on myself, betting that hope can triumph over experience.

[oak]

Action Taken

Financial

I created my budget for my next pay period.

Dating

Today I asked out woman #25, and oh was she ever a beauty. She almost said "yes". Almoooooost!

Me: I think you're cute. I want to invite you out for a crepe.

Her: What day?

Me: Wednesday. [I had no idea! It just came to me.]

Her: Hmmm. I work that night. Sorry. [Said really kindly.]

Tomorrow

I hope to get two big anxieties faced: find out my retirement status, and start calling the psychiatry offices my EAP counselor recommended.

Wish me luck!