Summer of trying to be courageous

[Heatherwantspeace]

Hi Oak,
Going for a job interview feels like the ultimate in courage to me. I can't wait to hear how it went!

As for me, I got my taxes done over a few days. When I went to do them, I found out I had done something wrong last year so I had to fix that first. Lots of research to find out why my filing was being rejected and finding the lines and form that needed to be fixed. It was Sunday, so there was no one to phone. So, I did get the actual work done right away, but there was a process over a few days. I cleaned the bathrooms late in the day, but did them! I think sharing my goals really helped!

I shook the whole time I was working on my taxes. I guess I have some beliefs around money. Will add to the list of things to work on/look into.

Safe travels,
Heather

[oak]

@Heather: Shaking while doing taxes?

And still doing it anyway?

Well done! That is real courage.

Ironically, the interview is the least scary part of this trip. I say that because I don't need this job, since I already have one in this niche field (a tiny fiefdom, as I like to describe it).

I may find the courage to ask for the median salary for my position (I am currently at about 50% of the median pay.)

I'm half way through my four day trip, and both the good and bad expected of being in new, awkward situations has come true:

Good: I can cast aside, for four days, who I or anyone thinks I am. I can see new places, be the "good kind of awkward". It is okay for me to spend money, money I have in the bank, on gas, food, lodging, and other necessities. I am worthy of vacations every few years: I am working man.

Bad: "Disassociation" is too strong a word, but I certainly am distanced from my identity.

Speaking strictly for myself, about myself, I define me having the experience of "mental illness" as different from "being crazy". "Crazy" is mostly anxiety.

What I can do: breathe, and do my tai chi.

I am going to spend most of the day tomorrow alone in my hotel room. It is difficult to explain, but it is something intentionally going down the rabbit hole, or cloistering, like the monks used to do years ago. Intentionally getting away from people and my identity. This is sort of dangerous, but something I crave and need.

Update soon!

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

Thanks for posting, hope you're staying cool!

Identity - What comprises our identity anyway? How much is from external interactions and influences, and how much comes from within? Still figuring this out for myself...

Cloistering has been practiced for millennia it appears, so there's something to it. Good to get away from the external noise for a short time at least, to sort things out. (Heaven knows there's enough internal noise to deal with, right?)

Safe travels!

SD

[oak]

@SD: Isn't that the truth!

We need an identity to make it through the day, yet the identity is tissue-thin. Even the bedrock identity of "I am a living being" will someday be untrue.

Courage Report!

Interview

Said interview was a bust: it was either a scam, very poorly organized, or both. If y'all have ever been on a skeezy/shady interview, you know the gut feeling I felt, and went anyway.

I almost had the courage to walk away from it, when there was no follow up or confirmation the day before(very odd); I knew I should not have gone right then; I knew the company name and city, so I guessed the building. There were no signs, or no one waiting to greet me. You know the feeling.

I decided all courage was asking me was to go to the floor that looked correct, and if no one greeted me, to turn around. Unfortunately someone did find me, and I was herded around like cattle, and got out of there 41 minutes later.

Lesson: always trust my gut

My advice: If you ever go on an interview, and your gut tells you to walk away, then walk away.

Otherwise my trip was a great success. There was a chance the OCD (locked doors, stove) was going to derail it before I got away, but I breathed and just went for it.

Love...kinda

So I am super in love, or something close enough, with someone really fine. I was ready to invite this person to PF Chang's, but didn't see her.

I was ready!

And the PF Chang's was wonderful. I am courageous to eat alone.

Edit:

Not just with interviews, but with everything: You have my permission to simply walk out of any skeezy situation. That is courage.

If politeness matters, I recommend suggesting that you are about to have gastro issues. No one will argue with that.

But above all, just get out of weird situations. Trust your gut.

Just get out.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, I'm glad you considered the trip a success and you got to have lots of courage victories. Although I am sorry it was not as promised.

I really enjoyed all you shared on you other thread about your life (wow) and the vision board drawing of a wallet was great. Seems modest at first glace, but represented good health and a nice sum of money to have just kicking around in your pocket. Feels like wealth to me.
Heather

[oak]

@Heather: hmmm yes, true. You’re the best.

Courage report (scared emoji)

Sparing the details, I found the courage to ask for the median salary for my position.

Oh did that not go over well: in the ensuing debacle I was lucky to walk away with my job, and that barely happened.

That’s all I can handle saying for now.

[snoringdog]

Hello Oak,

I'm sorry to hear the latest!
I hope you can regain your equilibrium in your current situation - internally, and with your boss.

Work situations can be stressful - we recently went thru a badly mismanaged move that fell thru at the last minute. Everyone was stressed for months, and then pissed!

A couple of thoughts I can offer, if I may -

1. It's not wrong to ask for what you're worth.
2. You are more than your job.
3. Be kind to yourself in the midst of this stress.

Take care

SD

[oak]

SD! Thanks for your thoughtful post. I, in fact, effected suggestion #1:

Asking for median salary

Inspired by our friend, SD, I recently applied for two jobs in my niche. The median salary is x, and now my current salary is at 60% of x. This is unconscionable.

Courage report!

Hair

I did my own hair cut. Everyone needs to stop policing everyone's hair. It is no one's business. It should never be used to shame.

Rice

Can I be blunt and rude for a moment, as I roleplay?

People (aka "They" of "they say"): Carbs are bad.

Me (being courageous): You are welcome to your own choices. If you don't like that I enjoy carbs and starches, then go to hell.

I mean that sincerely. I hope I have the courage to tell someone to go to hell the next time "they" say "carbs are bad".

Budget

The big one. I have a pretty good budget for August. Lack of personal finance diligence is actively destroying my joy in life.

Frank talk with declining father

My family is growing apart because they insist on the status quo. Of roles. From 1964-2009.

Mysteriously, my role suddenly stopped evolving right as I got sober and employable. How non-ironic.

Yesterday I had a frank talk with my father. He has many good qualities and did a good job being a father.

While not a sociopath (or whatever), he seems to missing the gene or code for empathy. Or taking action, or encouragement, or something. I am being harder on him here than he deserves, but something is missing with him regarding feeling obvious emotions.

This is not my problem (I have plenty of those), but his. And it is costing him. Even if he profoundly changes right now, it may be too little too late. This obstinacy has already cost him his quality of life, and may well cost him his life.

Yet they insist on the status quo. The tired, self-appointed roles from 1996 that no one cares about.

I should probably make an entire thread about this.

The big courage!

This is the big courage, though I not coincidentally put it last. Here is a set of variables:

I am super attracted to a specific woman, x, in a city, y. This is unfortunate, because I have been on zero dates in the last 2.5 years, am broke/paycheck-to-paycheck, and live in city non-y.

While I am sure I could fall in love with her, easily, I am not winning this woman. This is going to take real courage.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oh the policing of food! Why?! Being vegetarian, I frequently have people "apologize" for eating meat in front of me. What is really is is trying to shame me in front of others. Why, I cannot fathom. I could care less what others eat.

Yet they insist on the status quo. The tired, self-appointed roles from 1996 that no one cares about.
I should probably make an entire thread about this
I would be so on board for this.

Heather

[snoringdog]

Hello Heather,

Side note here... I think a lot of people would like to be vegetarians, but find it very hard to do so - It's a real commitment. I'm a guilty carnivore who usually chooses non-meat dishes myself most of the time, but....

So maybe not to shame you, but from a guilty place on their part. Or maybe they've had previous conversations with more self-righteous types that have made them self-conscious....

SD