Not Posting Because I Don't Want to Invalidate Others

[TonyM_Guest]

One of my anxiety bouts in 2016 was very much about health anxiety around neurological disorders like MS, ALS, Parkinson's, Dementia, etc. I had convinced myself at the time that I would get one of those diseases (because someone very close to me had recently been diagnosed with such a condition), have a rapid deterioration of my condition, get kicked out of all of my relationships and my home, lose my job, and end up homeless and destitute as an example to others as what not to be.

So, I'm sorry to everyone that is hurting. To all of the people posting about their anxieties and struggles in this time, I want to say collectively that you are seen and heard. I have read all of the threads daily but I haven't commented on any because I haven't felt like I have much to add that wasn't being said already. Others who get to the threads before me express my thoughts, ideas, and feelings better than I feel like I could do myself and I've been in my own codependence a bit about not wanting to be seen as a "hanger on" or a "me too" kind of contributor.

There is also a little bit of fear that if I start to engage too much in that kind of thinking that I will slip back into my own anxiety and that scares me a lot. I think it was literally the worst point in my entire life in 2016 -- probably worse than any of the covert incest or emotional/physical abuse of my childhood. Back then, I was so trapped in my own head that I often wished that my life would just end. I didn't want to kill myself -- I just wanted life to stop.

I have worked very hard on these things with OCD/anxiety exposures like CBT, DBT, etc. and I'm at a place these days where that anxiety/OCD is not part of my reality anymore. So, as I see the rest of the world around me suddenly face-to-face with their anxieties/insecurities and not really knowing what to do about it, I'm working hard to "stay in my lane" and "keep my side of the street clean" without trying to control and manage everyone (this is largely thanks to my codependence support group).

I hope this makes sense and those who I am really empathizing with see this and feel seen/heard.

P.S. my negative self-talk is telling me to delete this post because it is just a vanity post to get attention but I'm going to post it anyway.

[oak]

Tony M! Thanks for posting.

I'm putting a brief message here, real quick, before you may delete, so that you know you are not alone.

[oak]

And hey, you have all the permission to post as much or as little as you like. You are enough, either way, and we accept you just as you are.

There is much to like in your post. Let me offer one brief thought to consider: This coronavirus situation actually is an actual situation to have actual anxiety. OCD, hypochondria, agoraphobia: these are all right in the wheelhouse of our daily realities. And yes, some people will lose their relationships, jobs, and end up homeless. That is a real possibility, however unlikely, we must be willing to accept during these terrible time. (But there is also much we can do to mitigate these possibilities!).

My old sponsor used to say "normal is a setting on a washing machine"; much as I am loathe to contradict him, here goes: you are absolutely normal and healthy. These are genuine anxieties.

You're doing okay.

[TonyM_Guest]

Thanks, Oak. You are a beacon on these here boards and I really appreciate your wisdom and perspective.

[manuel_moe_g]

Whatever you decide, Tony, know that we think you are a cool dude and someone special. It takes someone special to care enough to think about validating others and making sure that people feel seen and heard.

Also, don't think that this message board is a competition, for example, it would be hard for me to compete with Oak for thoughtful replies, so sometimes I just post something short, that is kind of a "me too".

Also, remember something I have been thinking a lot about lately that the late Garry Shandling said: Nice guys finish first, and you need to search for the true finish line.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Throwing my hat in the ring to echo MM's comment that the "me too!" comments are valid and validating. Most of the time, I want to be heard b/c I have so many people in my life that turn away. Being seen and heard is EVERYTHING.
Heather