Frozen in place/fear of success

[AlmostWell]

It seems that every time I am about to make a significant leap in my career, I freeze. I start ignoring responsibilities, spending too much time online, and my time management skills go down the toilet. I have such a want to succeed, but constantly sabotage myself - not the point of burning bridges (though I have come very very close), but to the point where I have missed SO many opportunities because I did not act on time. I don't know what to do about it, and I kind of sick of being therapy. Any suggestions? Anyone have trouble here too?

[mentalinmaine]

Tons! Currently a grad student, and I am having so much trouble right now. There lots going on, but even when faced with a relatively "simple" task, I freeze to the point that I can't even think about it. I avoid, and then beat myself up for time wasted. Don't know how to "just do it." ...which, frustratingly is often the advice given. I hate it because I know exactly what I'm doing, and how it will make me feel, and I still procrastinate. Even chunking tasks seems like an impossible chore.

I'm lacking answers, but certainly relate to what you're going through.

[AlmostWell]

Thanks for sharing. I was just chatting with a friend about this, and came up with the following. I'm interested to hear your thoughts:

I was a "wonderful" child - very smart, and creative, but if I fucked up, I was punished hard and in a arbitrarily ...I think I don't know how to deal with fuck ups...so I go into avoidance mode when the threat looms. When I overcome the avoidance, I can generally do really well. But the threat is experienced as so dire in my unconscious that I can hardly stand to look at the possibility.

[Horace]

Anyone have trouble here too?

Yes, quite a bit. I'm actually on the verge of destroying my grad career because of it.

Tons! Currently a grad student, and I am having so much trouble right now. There lots going on, but even when faced with a relatively "simple" task, I freeze to the point that I can't even think about it. I avoid, and then beat myself up for time wasted. Don't know how to "just do it." ...which, frustratingly is often the advice given. I hate it because I know exactly what I'm doing, and how it will make me feel, and I still procrastinate. Even chunking tasks seems like an impossible chore.

I'm lacking answers, but certainly relate to what you're going through.

I know what you mean. It's hard to even think about doing work, let alone sit down and face it. Of course when I am able to actually face the work I generally do OK, but since I so often can't get to that point I perform poorly overall.

It's tough because there isn't much sympathy, generally, because people who know you know that you're capable of it, so when the work doesn't get done they just think you're lazy or not interested. It's impossible to get someone who doesn't also struggle this way to understand how taxing it is, how much terror and panic is involved.

I've been reading a book called 'The Now Habit' which uses this metaphor I found fit me very well: imagine there's a 50 foot long 8 inch wide painted line on the ground. You could easily walk that line without stepping off or falling, no problem. The task is entirely doable. Now take that same task and add a massive fear of failure: instead of being on the ground it's now a beam raised a hundred feet off the ground. Now to fail means the end of the world. It's the same task, no more difficult, but now it's so frightening we can't even step foot on it. The process of crossing it is also terrifying the entire way, because even if you've crossed most of it, you could still fail at any moment and lose everything. We procrastinate or avoid work like this because we are scared and need to comfort ourselves. This book actually made me cry when I got to the part explaining how we need to create a safe place in order to get work done, since I hadn't even considered up until that point that I was anything other than just another lazy failure that couldn't handle my shit. Once I realized it was because I was afraid I was able to feel sympathy for myself, for how hard it's been to work because of my fear, and was able to feel a bit OK with myself for the first time in a long time. It was massively cathartic.

I don't have any solutions necessarily, but I've spent the last few months in therapy and I've been able to work through a lot of the mental blocks that have prevented me from doing work. What helped me, and what continues to help, is doing cognitive behavior therapy. I tend to 'catastrophize' in my mind; I feel any small task I can't do right away means that I'm not good enough to be successful in grad school (or work or wherever) and will eventually fail at that, and if I can't do that right then I'll fail to get any kind of decent job, then my debt will bankrupt me, then no one will want to be with me because I'm a complete failure and I'll die alone and penniless. So sitting down to do a few homework problems means, in my irrational mind, that I'm facing total annihilation. So no damn wonder I have a hard time. Now I'm better about spending time to deconstruct those irrational fears and work without feeling I'm about to confirm my worst nightmares. I still struggle, and I may not be successful in grad school given my past failure to perform, but I'm hopeful now that I've seen progress.

I was a "wonderful" child - very smart, and creative, but if I fucked up, I was punished hard and in a arbitrarily ...I think I don't know how to deal with fuck ups...so I go into avoidance mode when the threat looms. When I overcome the avoidance, I can generally do really well. But the threat is experienced as so dire in my unconscious that I can hardly stand to look at the possibility.

Feeling unsafe from failure is, according to my shrink, a core issue with procrastination and avoidance. We're fine doing other difficult tasks that require effort and focus, such as sports or video games or whatever, so long as we don't feel threatened by failure. It sounds like you've been trained to fear failure, so it's no wonder it's hard to get going.

My family has always been supportive and never punished failure, but I'm still deathly afraid of it. I believe this is because my identity is so wrapped up in being a success. So when I fail to perform, I feel like my identity is threatened, like I'm going to be annihilated. It's as if I blink out of existence temporarily when I do something wrong. I was always the 'gifted' child growing up, although I never wanted that title and thoroughly resented it. But at the same time being smart and successful is what I have in life, and if I don't have that, I feel I don't have much else (not true, but that's how my mind works).

One thing that has impacted me growing up is learning that doing a good job can alienate you from your peers. I discovered that just by reading well or being quick with math I could drive people away in school and make them not want to be my friend. I've sometimes self-sabotaged my own success in order to avoid alienating others, and it's made it hard to be at peace with myself.

[inmymind]

I do the same thing! I can have opportunity sitting in front of me, as I do right now, and don't have the motivation to do the task to move me to the next step. As you say, I then feel remorse later. Again, as you have stated, I know what I am doing wasting time while I am doing it, but I do it anyway. I don't know why I do this other than the task at hand may not be what I really want to do? Even if it isn't, I need to do it. Who really want's to take the trash out, but I manage to do that every time it needs it.

Must be something else going on here with me. Subconcious beliefs of some sort. Or, is this just part of my depression?

InMyMind

[inmymind]

Horace,

I just read your post about this and it makes a lot of sense. Thank you for this insight. I am going to meditate on that. I would not have come to that conclusion on my own, at least not anytime soon. The reason being is because I know about fear, and I know we are not supposed to have it, and I have done pretty good in some areas of my life in not letting it consume me.

Based on this new insight from you, I may have underlying fears in my subconcious mind.

Another take on this whole situation, and this is where I was thinking my problem area might be before your great post was that I like a challenge. Doing things well ahead of due dates is too boring. Being an ADD and sufferer from depression, perhaps I seek a thrill, so I let things go, then rally to get it done at the last minute, or worse, after things have gotten screwed up.

It could also be a combination of fear and thrill-seeking. Now that I am consious of these possibilites, I shall comtemplate, meditate, and comfort myself. I shall make myself aware that a different thrill might await. The thrill of success, instead of just getting the job done at the last minute.

Thank you, thank you!
InMyMind (or out of it?)

[AlmostWell]

Very helpful Horace. I will check out that book. Thank you!