Disassociated Rant

[Data]

Warning: I am completely disassociated right now and frustrated as hell.

I fucking woke up this morning and with in a half an hour I was completely disassociated from myself. It is like I am looking through someone else eyes at the world around me and have no control over what is happening. And it is my fucking day off! I need this day off to recover! I NEED A DAY OFF! I can't spend the entire day floating in my own head disconnected from the world around me. I want to sit at home, work on my writing, read, get a hair cut, relax, maybe do some laundry. I want to exist. I want to be normal for one day. I am so tired of this shit. I can't even read what I am writing. The words come out flat and withoutaffect. I can't interpret what things are being said around me or on the page. I can't even breath like a normal person! I am trying to do what my therapist told me but it doesn't seem to ever work. How am I supposed to monitor my breathing when I don't feel like I can breath? I'm tired of this. I am so tired of this. I'm angry at my parents for fucking me up, I'm angrier at myself for not being able to fix the mess they made of me. I feel like my brain spends half the time destroying itself, ripping itself apart from the inside. It needs rest and time to just have fun and instead all it wants to do is disconnect from my other senses. I feel like I have no control over myself. That isn't even a feeling. That is a thought. I don't know what I feel, because I can't fucking feel anything like this. How am I supposed to focus on my feelings when I can't feel? All I feel is angry. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think. It isn't fair that at 24 I am already a mess of a person. What am I going to be like when I'm 50? 70? A disgusting old man who no one loves. I wish I had someone who loved me. I just want one person to love me. Forget sex, I could care less about sex, I want a hug. I haven't been hugged by another human being in over a year. No one ever says I love you. The only person who said I love you was my Granddad, and he is dead. He wouldn't have said I love you if he knew I was gay. I say I love you to my family and they look at me like I am foreign. Hugs would never be tolerated. Being human isn't tolerated.

[Sherlock]

So sorry you're going through this... I'm not sure about disassociation (which I have felt before but I'm not always sure when or where; fancy that) but I know the rest of the feelings... not being able to relax when it's all you should be able to do, when it's what you have to do, not being able to feel like you can breathe--or have feelings at all. Feeling like your brain is trying to rip itself apart. Not understanding the words you yourself write... very familiar.

Wish I could say I love you and hug you just because you're a fellow human being in pain, but have a feeling it won't mean a whole lot when I can't and you don't know me at all. More so I wish you did have someone to love and to love you back--everyone deserves that. Probably sounds like shit right now, but if you stick around, it'll happen. Even if you're still fucked up when it happens, which sounds awful to contemplate (at least for me it does), we humans are social creatures and the right person will love you even when you're fucked up. Friend or lover.

Hope you can or have done something, anything, to make yourself feel better today, even if that means going back to sleep or not getting much accomplished in the day. Drink some tea, take a bath, go for a walk... listen to your brain and body, even if things seem so contrary--it really sounds like you're shutting down from stress. Armchair psychology I know but sometimes for folks like us, a day off means dark contemplation while staring at the holes in your walls and ceiling--an actual "day off" where you don't do shit. It's that element of the illness I know I feel most ashamed about and is hardest for other people without these same difficulties to understand, but it's so inherent to mental illness, it's unavoidable.

I meant to sound more supportive and optimistic, but to be honest... again, based on your other posts--you are doing okay. You are GOING to be okay, maybe not today or soon, but eventually. You are no where close to failing just because of one off day. You are going through a process that is so difficult with our current knowledge and judgments on mental illness and therapy; you're a fucking warrior and you are doing shit in spite of it all. Give yourself a real break; honestly, when you gave a long list of what you wanted to do for your break... it sounded more like errands than a day off! A haircut, writing, reading (yes, in my state, as much as I love the written word and stories... reading is a chore to me on my worst days!)--for me in my current life circumstances, that is a fucking buttload to get up and accomplish all in one day. So again, you're doing pretty awesome, maybe not compared to a "normal" person but to a "fucked up" person like me? You're doing awesome, please give yourself the credit your deserve.

[Data]

Hey Sherlock,

Thanks for the response to this. I do appreciate everything you said, and I think you were right on track with it. It is now a little over a week since I posted that, but it kind of took that long for me to be able to come back and even look at this post. When I made this post it was probably one of my first days off where I had absolutely nothing I had to do. I just finish applying to graduate school the week before and I was just getting into a steady schedule at my new job.

Now isn't that the kicker of mental illness? I had my first day after a month of amazing productivity and I panicked worse than I did during the crunch week in which I had to submit my applications while training for work! It really doesn't surprise me. I often panic in the silence and the calm. I like to play it off like I'm really good at handling stress in the moment, but its more that I'm a pro at winding up excessive amounts of stress and worry into a tight little ball which will randomly detonate at a latter time.

Reading this post a week later it is like reading a post from another person entirely. On my good days I am a laid back guy, I'm friendly, and I laugh a lot. However, I've struggled with anxiety for the entirety of my life. I have come a very long way since I started seeing counselors starting in college. However some things are harder to shake than others. In particular I still frequently dissociate, which is what resulted in this lovely snapshot of my anxiety. Dissociating is a lot like a panic attack. Sometimes certain things can set it off, but a lot of the time it can be set off by nothing. It can happen in a grocery story, while at work, sometimes while I'm driving which can be quite terrifying. Often I first notice I'm dissociating because things outside of a small area of vision seem out of focus and I am unable to grasp the meaning of what people are saying. I start to be unable to pay attention and my body will feel foreign and sluggish. Like in a panic attack I then begin to worry that I am going mad, and then that other people can tell I am going mad. The result is that I dissociate more.

I have done this since I was a little kid. My therapist says more than likely a defense mechanism that I developed early on. Really doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me and what I find so interesting about the post I made is that it reads as if it is written by a kid doesn't it? I have written while I was dissociated before, but I have never had to read it back. Reading it now to me it is almost as if I am reading something written by me at 11 instead of me at 24. Kind of trippy.

Thanks again for the response. It really is good to know that someone out there is willing to sit down, and not only read a blurb of my bad days, but go the extra step to provide such a thoughtful surprise. It is good to have people like you on the forum.

[Brooke]

I am so sorry you are feeling so much anger...(and a bit scared of it to be honest with you, I hope you don't get angry at whatever I attempt to write to you...not that I'm going to be harsh). I have compassion for you...you seem so out of control in your rage...it's good to get it out and I'm glad you did, but I hope you can learn ways to deal with your emotions. What I got from reading your rant was that you are so hard on yourself. It seems like you have these tasks and expectations on yourself that is making you more miserable. I think it's ok to be disassociated and unproductive on your day off. I mean, you've worked hard all week and your body is telling you that you just want to zone out. Why isn't it ok to just do nothing and let yourself be? I don't think the path that you are on mentally is going to yield a better outcome for you... If you are constantly telling yourself what you need to do, then you can't truly relax. I don't know how your family treated you that made you so tense, but you have all of the power to change yourself. I know it might sound too abstract, but it all starts with loving yourself. I know it sounds too fluffy and all that, but it is so true. Real confidence comes from backing yourself up no matter what. You need a break from your criticizing mind. I know I have to force myself to delete "have-to" feelings from my brain. You really need to take a break from your harsh mind. I know that's hard, but I suggest you start with being ok with whatever state you are in. If you lie in bed all day not accomplishing anything from your list, it's ok. I know that's hard, but practice it little by little. That's how you start to feel better mentally. It's not "giving up," it's accepting yourself. You don't need the extra stress from your to-do list. Who cares is you are "normal?" The more I try to be "normal," the sicker I get mentally. The more I let myself do nothing and tell myself it's ok, the healthier and happier I feel. We aren't defined by our performance, so it's better not to do that to yourself. I know in the corporate world, performance is everything, but that cannot be translated into our personal lives. Just do what your body and heart tells you to do. If you can't do anything, let yourself be...whatever state that is in and don't judge yourself for it. Don't know if it helped at all, but I'm rooting for you.