Calm before the storm?

[opal.emerald]

As things continue with my in laws (i've posted about the core issues in the BPD/EDD forum) my anxiety continues to rise. We had lunch with them on Sunday, and my anxiety has been flaring ever since then. Things actually went well, minus not including me in any of the pictures they took, which is normal for them. Unfortunately I know things will turn bad at some point,given the nature of our relationship. This has left me on pins and needles as I wait for the other shoe to drop. I even felt like my mother in law was trying to pick a fight when she text me last night about whether or not I was able to catch a certain TV show. I was not able to, I have a daughter and the time of the show falls over her bed time. When I mentioned the reason, she seemed angry like I was unaware that my child was more important than this TV show. Obviously she is, because I didn't even care I missed it, bed time cuddles beat out silly TV programming any day of the week. I feel I cannot give a satisfactory answer, no matter how hard I try. I obsess about every single reply or comment I make. I also worry excessively about everything I say and do on social media, so I don't offend her with something that wouldn't be meant to offend her in the first place. I worry about if my child's shoes are on correctly or if her bow is centered, because if it appears I'm not 100% vigilant about silly things like that, I'll be ridiculed. I've tried using all of my coping methods, both healthy and unhealthy and I've got nothing. I feel like I'm just constantly in a no win situation. Short of going back on medication I don't know what to do. What else can I do? any advice would be appreciated.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are in a win/win situation, because we like you, and we don't care about what that silly mother-in-law thinks of you, phooey on her. You are in a win/win situation because of your immense self-worth. Take care, all the best to you.

[opal.emerald]

Thanks Manuel. You're so positive! Love it!

[guybrarian]

I know the feeling that the other shoe is always ready to drop. And yet, it rarely does. The thing about anxiety is that our bodies are screaming at us that something bad is about to happen. So we try to find reasons for that. It's our fight or flight response going off in a way that is not appropriate. This system is there for a very good reason, as our ancestors lived in a very dangerous world of tribal warfare and predatory animals. Evolution favored those with sensitive triggers for that fight or flight response. people like us just have super sensitive triggers for it.

I have learned to talk to trusted people about the doomsday scenarios my mind cooks up during anxiety episodes. They almost always are able to show me that what I'm thinking is unrealistic or just one potential outcome. Don't just stew over the thoughts causing/caused by anxiety. Find someone you can trust and talk to them about it.

Also, I agree with Manuel. Phooey on her. What's more important is what you think and feel about you, not what she thinks or feels about you.

[Brooke]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you are in this never-ending situation... I can totally relate...but all I can wholeheartedly say is what I believe...you can never change minds of others and have them love you if they choose not to...and this is not a devastating response. This is a chance for you to grab your personal power and boundaries. It seems like your insecurities are causing you to act and think this way...there no judgement here, I've gone through the same type of people-pleasing behavior all of my life. And it's never-ending...and it just keeps robbing you of your self-esteem, self-worth, self-confidence, etc... This is not the road to feeling great about yourself... The moment I realized and made the choice that I was going to protect myself and not hang my identity on others' opinions, I regained my power back. And that is the most important thing in life, in my opinion. They are your in-laws and you're going to have to hang out with them for the rest of your life, but if you can, slowly try and make it easy for you. If you can start to get to a point where you have your boundaries with them, I think it will be a whole lot better for you emotionally. It doesn't mean you act badly towards them, but just create a facade with them where you are polite but keep your respectable distance. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter if they love you or not; it would be nice if they did, but if you keep sacrificing yourself in order to please them and get hurt in the process, you are damaging yourself and you need to step in there to protect yourself. Once you do that for yourself, a sense of self-respect comes in and it feels so freeing and powerful. You are putting up boundaries so no one can control your emotions. I suspect that once you do that, the in-laws will look at you differently. They can't control your emotions and maybe back off. But even if they don't, if you are in charge of your personal boundaries and you give yourself that respect that you deserve, that's all that matters.