Avoidant Personality Disorder

[Domino51]

I'm not sure if this topic has been discussed, but AvPD is part of who I am. I was just wondering if anyone else has experience with this, how you cope, and what treatment plans worked and/or are working for you. To put it in a nutshell, I spend my life walking around in a constant state of anxiety and believing everyone hates me. Even if I have just met someone, I will automatically assume they hate me. People look at me and assume I'm anti-social, stuck up, arrogant, etcetera. I am none of these things. They see that I am attractive, have my shit together, have a house, a car, and then wonder "what's the problem?". The problem is I am 'Miss Anxiety' and I am able to jump to the worst case scenario in a single bound.

I wish there was a way for people, on the outside, to see the pain someone with mental illness experiences. People see a crutch, or a cast, and they can SEE the issue and they can see the cause for your pain. With mental illness it doesn't show or it shows in ways that can't be understood so they just call you crazy.

I feel like a duck; seemingly all calm on the surface, but underneath the ducks feet are going like mad. It's truly physically exhausting trying to maintain the calm, cool, and collected image; to maintain that front. I hate labels. I don't want to be described as 'mental illness walking'. There is way more to me than that. There is way more than that to all of us. We are all more than just a label.

Symptoms:
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•Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
•Is unwilling to get involved with people unless they are certain of being liked.
•Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.
•Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.
•Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.
•Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.
•Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.

Any thoughts? All are appreciated.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Domino51,

I have a milder version of what you describe. With therapy and medication I gathered enough strength to take baby steps to force myself to be more outgoing. I fake it, fake it, fake it.

Please take care, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[Fargin]

After having being diagnosed with several different disorders, I finally contacted the district psychiatric center in my area(Denmark that is). They weeded out in all my diagnosis and finally honed in my my ever present anxiety. Because of all my past diagnoses, they were very thorough and took their time evaluating me. While I might have some traits from the autism spectrum, they think my main major malfunction is Avoidant/anxiety personality structure(Danish term).

Over the last ten years my anxiety has helped me gain a lot of weight, which were the reason why I signed up for a health course for people from the district psychiatry. Although I was terrified of starting on the course, I was even more worried about my health. The course helped me start getting in shape, it also helped me get out of the door on a regular basis and I've also started being more active in my own home, making dinner instead of getting takeaway. All of which has helped on my anxiety too. I've also just joined a group course for anxiety/cognitive therapy, trying to learn how to identify my anxiety and trying to lower it to a state, where I can think clearer.

I struggle a lot with accepting that my anxiety is at a level where it's debilitating. I've had a few successes, discovering a certain ability to control my anxiety, but it's always present and I still interpret every impression or thought through anxiety and usually try to predict everything, that can possibly go wrong, when I'm experiencing something new.

Here's a great example of my disability:

I wanted to write I loved your duck analogy, but then I was worried that analogy wasn't the correct term. So then I spend 5-10 minutes googling and reading articles about "metaphor vs analogy" and instead of figuring anything out, I'm positively sure, that whether I use the word analogy or metaphor, I'm using it wrong and I can't allow myself to be wrong. Because if anyone sees me making a mistake, they'll realize that I'm incompetent, helpless and worthless.

Sigh...

P.S. Ducks are my favorite animal.

[RabbitPoo]

I feel like i have this to some extent. When it comes to interacting with strangers, i have no problem. But when someone becomes important to me, that's when i start to lose my shit. I start thinking that person hates me and i point to any little piece of evidence there may be to reassure that yes, they probably do hate me. It's a pretty big hump that only a few people have gotten over, but with most of the people i love and care for, i really do just end up avoiding altogether because im convinced that they all hate me.

[Domino51]

Thank you for the feedback. I'm actually having an okay day. I am waiting to see if I am coming into a large sum of money. If so, when I have that money in my bank account, I am killing myself. I have thought about it a lot over the last two years and have finally made my decision. It won't be today, or tomorrow, but it will be in the next year or so. I can leave quite a decent estate for the only person I have in my life. If nothing else, I will do something worthwhile. All the bullshit about suicide being cowardly is just that. Nobody is responsible for that decision but me. I'm done; truly done and I can't tell you the peace that gives me.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Domino51. You are being too hard on yourself - you have worth as a human being.

___.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.______.oOo.___

Suicide and Suicide Prevention Resources

Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255

another: 1-800-SUICIDE (1 800-784-2433)

another: type "Suicide Hotline" in you favorite Internet search

another: suicide.org -- Domestic & International Suicide Hotlines

These are your #1 resources, all other resources are conditional on you staying alive, and Suicide Prevention at 1-800-273-8255 is how you will stay alive.

Best online suicide-prevention collection of great resources: suicide.org

"Coping with Suicidal Thoughts: A Resource for Patients" -- Suicide resource packet multipage PDF, a work-booklet using Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)

Resources for helping others, including contacts to social media safety teams -- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline; Help Someone Else Online

Finally, here is a good summary of the precursors to suicide to help you understand yourself and others, it is from a PhD psychologist whose father committed suicide:

American Psychological Association - Thomas Joiner, PhD - Precursors to suicide, for yourself and others

Cheers to you, for scrolling all the way down to the bottom of this copypasta!

[manuel_moe_g]

This thread has gone off the rails, and I am closing this thread. There are many places in the Internet to talk positively or inquiringly about suicide - it just so happens that this forum is not one of those places. The top of every page lays down the guidelines about suicide and this forum.