a strange part of recovery

[awfullottafalafel]

Truly great things are happening, but I can't help but notice a few things:
There is plenty of information about the signs of eating disorders, what to do, how to get treatment, how to cope, etc. But at this point in my recovery there is a drop off of information; its the no-mans land in between post-hospitalization and a good five years of solid recovery. The support groups I've been to tend to populated by younger, less mature teens and young adults who still appear as though they could or should be in the hospital. I italicize appear, because I should know better not to judge appearances...

In my personal recovery (starting out my second year- whoo!) I've gained a very large amount of weight. When I see someone in recovery who is not overweight or even carrying a tad bit more skin I doubt their progress. Why do I do this? Is it just a way to justify or cope with my own issues about my own weight gain? I'm paranoid that I'm not really in recovery and my disorder has just turned into overeating (a la Paul, "whack-a-mole") but yet I look at the progress I've made and I think I'm doing well. Progress, not perfection, right? For example, I can have a bag of chips or a chocolate bar sit in my pantry for months when it couldn't last 5 minutes in my eating disordered time. I no longer eat huge quantities impulsively. I have eaten impulsively in the last two weeks I've noticed, but not binged.

Summer looms. I'm dreading the heat, stickiness, and the new found issues I find myself having as a heavier person. This is so foreign because I've always lived for summer and it could never be hot enough. But I'm wary of coming out from underneath the safe protective layer of clothes, and worst of all, I'm dreading the way my thighs rub together now and chafe so badly that I can't continue walking without looking completely strange. Thinking about the heat makes me cringe- even to the point of me having thoughts of moving to a colder place. I'm worried about what I will wear in the summer, having to have longer shorts and sleeves now to hide stretch marks and even dreaming up ways to avoid chafing (wrapping an ace bandage around one of my thighs). There is a part of me that is so saddened by these thoughts and so disappointed by my new found state but it doesn't compare to the other side: the grateful, blooming side that is thriving in life, friendships, and love. I know I'm hiding, I know my weight is still an issue, and I know I'm not as recovered as I think I am.

Its so difficult talking about this with my family because its such a sensitive subject. When I tell them I'm thinking about taking on an exercise routine or a weight-loss program what I really want them to say is, "You are beautiful the way you are, do this only if your intentions are for good health, etc..." But instead I get the stifled, covert concern, "well thats a good idea..." which of course I interpret as, "O my god I'm so glad YOU said it we were so worried you were going to turn into the 600 lb woman on tv!" (Ed's voice I know, I know) My family is very geared toward image and weight. To give you an idea of the difficulty I have with my family: My dad continued to tell me what to eat/not eat in the eating disorder unit I was in at the hospital.

Also, on the podcast I hear people talking about diet and exercise as coping mechanisms or preventative strategies for combating our mental illnesses, but what do you say to the person who over-exercises and has a very complex relationship with food?????

Is there anybody out there who is in this weird part of recovery? Can anyone relate? I feel alone, but I know I can't be...

[AndyLand]

Hi Sarah, cheesy but...you are not alone, I say cheesy because it's already our title here. I have a history of food issues too. I've never been hospitalized for it but I do believe it has flared my lupus many times and made me bed-ridden through that route so I can understand. I don't even feel like my problem has a name yet because I've always been somewhat overweight from birth practically. But I've yoyod like a boss and understand the overexercising and the slippery slope of a "diet" or anything that focuses on calories or food choices.

I just had a two week stomach flu with my family and going without food that long totally triggered me and I had to go into the urgent recovery mode. My body and brain goes "ALRIGHT, we are STARVING again, sweet we know how to do this" so I had to force feed for a week before I actually got hungry again and didn't feel overfull/ill afterward.

I know it's frustrating but you can't look to your family for validation especially since they are part of the whole ball of wax you've recovered from. It starts with you and your peers. Something I've done and still do is write affirmations on a mirror with a wet erase marker. Things like "I love and approve of myself, just as I am." It helps shut up the evil bitch from the Jane Fonda thin obsessed 80s that tells me I'm never good enough.

I've been in recovery for 5 years and I'm happy to tell you it does get easier. Also, I have lifetime experience being overweight, so if you need survival skills lemme know. About the chaffing, Gold Bond powder is fabulous. The other thing I can tell you is at 45 I do NOT give a crap what others think anymore. I'm beautiful the way I am. If it's 100 degrees I'm going sleeveless whether some asshole can handle my puffy Dutch upper arms or not. Why should I be hot and uncomfortable because they have hang ups? I do take pride in my appearance and wear clothes that fit and aren't too tight or giving me back boobs but I decided a long time ago if somebody doesn't like the way I look, they don't have to look, and if they are mean or something there is always Paul's favorite "go fuck yourself!"

It's early so I feel like I'm rambling but hopefully some of that helps you feel heard. I know what you mean about the standard support groups. I tried in my early 20s and felt out of place, and ironically hungry after because all they talked about was food! Maybe there is a recovery support group available in your area? Maybe ask your doc or therapist?

I know I haven seen you but I can tell you with all sincerity and certainty that you are beautiful inside and out. Eat nourishing food and exercise for health. I found it helpful to never weigh myself and choose more gentle exercise like Pilates, Qi Gong, yoga and dancing at home to Just Dance with my little girl. It helps me be more balanced about it and not go down the rabbit hole of 10 more minutes on the bike or I'll workout twice today.

Hugs! Andy

[awfullottafalafel]

Hi Andy!
Thanks for your kind response. I'm curious as I read, how did you DIY recovery? (lol that phrase seems so not right.) What helped you to overcome that gigantic hump of stopping behaviors without having someone watching you 24/7? I'm interested in hearing your recovery story, if you are inclined to share.
I hear what your saying.

I'm relieved that you your response to what to wear was basically, "wear what you want!!" It seems like its almost innate for a woman to say something along the lines of wear this for that shape blah blah blah. Its empowering to hear another woman out there (especially a lady over size 2) say rock what you've got. Your statement has added to the defensive line in the football game of my mind. Ok, that was bad, but I can't think right now.

Whenever someone suggests mirror work, I just think its so silly. And I have to admit, that was my first thought when you wrote about the markers on the mirror. But after some thought I've come to the realization that is a defense mechanism because i am still so so afraid of looking in the mirror So many people have said mirror work is very powerful-- they start off feeling silly and then after practice it becomes almost laughable because they're saying something they already know. Maybe I'm just not ready for it. But maybe its something that I need to do before I'm ready. I don't know.

Anyway, thanks for your feedback, Andy. It means a lot.