At least I have complete control of SOMETHING

[InvisibiltyTip#367]

Or do I?

I never thought of myself as someone who has an eating disorder. The woman that stares back at me from the mirror has never looked fat. Even after 14 weeks of failed high risk pregnancy and recommend rest, with the extra 20 pounds of inactivity hanging on my waist, I only felt the sadness of loss but never the extra weight. I was a vegetarian. Over the past six years, I've become vegan. I find comfort in the control I can exhibit over my food and it has never been unhealthy until recently. Like many people, stress alters my eating. Instead of binging though, I simply can't eat a full meal. I end up festering in mental anguish due to whatever life event is going on. It's like I just can't be bothered with the mechanics of eating until my stomach aches with hunger pains. At that point, I feverishly grab a handful of nuts or dry cereal and eat just enough to make the feeling stop. My weight plummets. When I was laid off 3 years ago, my partner blamed me for not knowing how to start a new business. I had lost my entire self worth with losing my job. Having the emotional abuse from my partner on top of it drove me into the depths of depression. I lost all of my body fat and dropped from a size 14 to a size 4. My skin hung on my body for a year until my body adjusted. The saddest part of this time period was that everyone kept mentioning how skinny I was and how jealous they were. I could not gain weight. I just couldn't until my life settled over a year later.

Now I am back to a healthy weight and once again beginning the plummet. I fear I've chosen the wrong partner. He is a narcissist and finds all of our problems to be my fault. mine and mine alone. I feel like a moth to his flame and I cannot break away from him as I continue to show the health of our relationship in my weight. IS this an eating disorder? I have no idea. I just can not eat when we don't get along. Maybe in some unrealized way I think he will notice and feel for me? Or maybe the physical feeling of hunger feels like the physical manifestation of the pain in my heart? Hell. I have no idea but please don't tell me I'm SO skinny like it's a thing to be envious of. Ribs between breasts really aren't cute.

I just filed for bankruptcy. I broke my arm while I was unemployed and couldn't afford insurance but made too much to qualify for medicare. $64,000 later and a steel plate in my arm - I can't afford a psychologist and I can't qualify for free care. fuck me. where did those almonds go?