On and Off and On and Off

[phoenix]

I've had an eating disorder for most of my life, and it never stops... but every once in a while, it will.
For absolutely no reason at all, I'm not scared of food, and I feel at ease. I still count calories, but I don't feel the need to exercise or purge.
It's happened so many times that I am aware that it's happening. It can last for a day, a week, even a month... but I never know when it will stop.
It creates a lot of anxiety for me now because I want it to last. It's exhausting to have an eating disorder, so having a break from it is so liberating and I don't want it to go away... but then I feel that disgusting feeling in the pit of my stomach after eating, I feel the body dysmorphia and I feel the self-hate and my compulsions start again.
This happened recently. My compulsions stopped for four days and then started again. All I could do was lie on my floor, shaking and sobbing... It's like my disorder is teasing me, taunting me, and it makes the experience all the more horrible. I'm continuing to try to make better decisions regarding my health and eating but there's nobody around me to help and nobody I can trust that cares enough to motivate me.
Does anybody else ever have these brief spells of peace?