Life with ED

[KateMoore]

I was inspired to comment for the first time on here after hearing episode 100. The survey that Paul read really spoke to me. I have been struggling with my eating disorder for about 10 years. I recently completed nine weeks in a partial hospitalization program that has changed my life. There are resources available!
In the city I was living in I searched and found a wonderful therapist who specializes in working with eating disorder patients. She was not in network for my insurance so they told me I could not see her and have it covered. However, I knew that I was at my bottom and she was the last life preserve out there for me. So I pestered my insurance and cried to them and agreed to go back to my old therapist so that he could document that I was at a point where I needed a specialist, that he was not able to give me the right care. In the end I got to see her. After several months of weekly visits she recommended that I go to treatment. I didn't think I was that bad off. But, she said to me that in her 17 years she had not had a client with as low of self esteem as me.
My struggle has taken many forms over the years. I have phases of severe restriction, bingeing and purging, bingeing and over-exercising, just bingeing, diet pills, a combination of several of these behaviors and more. In with this, as is very common, I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety. I have done self-harm and tried to medicate myself. I have gone off my meds because I think I don't need them or just don't want to be on them and every time I have fallen flat on my ass. Most recently this summer I went off my meds, left my job, ended school and left my boyfriend of three years and there were a few other events all within about two months. That set off my spiral down the well as I say.
I too crave connection with people that understand what this is like. That's what I found in treatment. I have friendships that I formed there that I know will last a lifetime. Now in a different city I don't have many people here. I am not in the same city as my wonderful therapist or the treatment team that I had. So I am on the journey of setting up my support system again. I found a free support group and I have gone once. it was wonderful. I am seeing a therapist next week and have a nutritionist.
It is not easy to get out of this cycle. But, everyone deserves it. When I am in my eating disorder there is no room for anything or anyone else. I want more for my life. So I am dedicated to my recovery, the foundation of that is my meal plan. I have not used behaviors since before treatment about ten weeks ago. Recovery is possible.
Some great books I have found include books by Geneen Roth. Book titled, Life without Ed.
I don't know if all of this makes sense or is even helpful. I just felt that I needed to share. As the respondent said in the survey I too would love to hear more from others who are struggling.

[manuel_moe_g]

You rock, KateMoore!

I am so happy you got help for yourself, and that you are finally loving yourself in the way that you deserve to be loved!

Looking forward to reading your contributions to the forum! All the best, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[fifthsonata]

Hi there.

It sounds morbid, but misery loves company - I have an eating disorder as well. I've cycled through all of them, too, well over half of my life. My last one is a jump of the fence, too - I lost over a third of my body weight and landed in the hospital. It wasn't PHP, though. Haven't had any good experiences with clinics yet.

You never, ever realize how bad you are AND were until someone else, a "normal person," tells you. You shut yourself off from everyone and everything, and when someone on the "outside" brings it up, it's like a slap in the face. You were your own self-sufficient world until you realized you couldn't function - like, have the energy to go to the store.....not the depressed "I have no energy," but the "I'm physically so weak and standing makes me too dizzy" no energy.

I've read Hornbacher's book, Liu's book, and a few other smaller ones. Am I in recovery? No. When it's been your life for well over half of your existence, I'm not sure I'll ever be ready until I am on my death bed.


But, I do know what you're thinking and feeling. If you see my name on a post in the forums on any eating disorder-related post, please, please read it with a grain of salt, or don't read it at all. I really don't want to trigger you. I would, however, love to chat anytime about these issues and I'll try to leave out my own behaviors in the discussion.

[KateMoore]

manuel_moe_g-- Thank you so much for your kind words! They really meant a lot to me when I saw your post. Everyday is a struggle but also a chance to succeed

fifthsonata-- Thank you as well for your reply. I don't think it is morbid at all, I think it is human to want connection. I truly appreciate your honest reply and sharing of your experience. What struck me most was that you took space to say that you didn't want to trigger me. That is so kind! That is the hard part of sharing. We need to be open but not everyone can hear the same things and be ok. I am not easily triggered by hearing people's stories, watching tv ect. The overwhelming majority of the time trigger myself if that makes sense. My body checking is getting worse so I really need to work on that because that is something that will trigger me and cause relapse.

I love what you mentioned about "normal people." You got it right, being able to take care of myself and be independent is huge for me. But, that gets thrown out the window at a certain point when I am so far in the eating disorder that I begin to breakdown emotionally and physically.

I also identify with not knowing if you are ready for recovery. There is a twisted comfort in eating disorder behaviors. They are familiar and something I know I can do and do right and do well. Those behaviors are like friends. But, these days I am trying to stay focused on a life that includes more than my eating disorder. I hope that if I let go of the tight hold I have on those "friends" I will make room in my life for real friends. I want to be someone others enjoy and like to be around. I also really want a healthy relationship.

I am sad to hear that you don't know if you will be ready until you are on your death bed. I realize that I do not know you personally but I still feel that as a part of a community like this you have purpose and a meaningful life to live. I don't want to sound judgmental in anyway. I just know the toll this takes on a person and the pain and I don't want that for anyone else. I have to believe that there are bigger and better things on the horizon for all of us.

[fifthsonata]

Indeed, there are. There always will be.

How did your family react when you told them, if you did? I know when I was in treatment I was pressured to tell my family and I backed out of that.

[KateMoore]

I feel so lucky that my family has been very supportive. My Mom was the first one that I told. She knew that I had been struggling with depression, anxiety and other issues. But, this was the last piece. I am sure it was not that shocking to her. I told her that I was seeing a therapist that specialized in eating disorders first. Then when my therapist recommended I go to treatment I told her that. She was very kind about the whole thing. My dad was the same. He is very sweet about supporting me and helping me. I moved my things to their home before I went to treatment. Being back I am living with them. It is really hard a lot of the time. However, I would not be able to stick to my meal plan with out them. They provide structure and keep me from isolating. I do not want to stay here for long. But, while I am adjusting to my meal plan and therapy and the new city it is nice to have a safe familiar place. My Mom told my aunt before I did. My mom needed her support and so without me knowing she had been talking to her. That upset me but in the end it has been great. My aunt and uncle and cousins have been very sweet. They are super patient with me and offer all the support they can.
Telling family is sooo scary. However, I have found in the end it is a great way to get support and live a bit more out of the shadows.
I hope that helps. This is such a hard war to fight alone. Support makes all the difference.

[Cheldoll]

Not gonna lie -- my first thought when reading this thread subject was "what does erectile dysfunction have to do with anything?"

Seriously, though, I'm so happy to hear how you sought treatment. That's not even the right word... I'm happy to hear how you fought to get the treatment you need. Eating disorders are rarely about the food -- they're about the control. Since I've struggled with anorexia since I was twelve I can definitely recognize a relapse by the comfort connected to starving myself.

I'm gonna look for that book by Roth. Do you have any other recommendations for reading?

[fifthsonata]

"Gaining: The Truth About Life After Eating Disorders"
by Aimee Liu

The book isn't about recovery or the journey in and of itself, but contains interviews, insights, and discussions with people who have recovered from their illness.

[Jenny Jump]

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy with my new job and parenting.

I too live with an eating disorder and had almost 10 years of abstinence from barfing, and had a relapse around Christmas. I had another one a month later, and a couple weeks after that. Three weeks ago, guess what? That's right, I puked and I just can't seem to get my footing. I haven't barfed since, but I've thought about it.

For me, the barfing has nothing to do with body image, that's something I trick myself into. It's about control. About the stuffing of feelings via food, and the purging of feelings via food. It never works out the way I think it will. I crave to see the day where I will be back to the point that eating is just no big deal. I've experienced it before, I know I can get there again.

[Jenny Jump]

Hey Family,

Sorry I haven't been back in a while. I'm still struggling with my bulimia. I want to be able to eat and not feel like a criminal. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I feel I'm never going to get there.