I'm so scared

[rosedahlia31]

I've had an eating disorder for 3 years. Mostly binging and purging with bouts of anorexia. I was able to keep it a secret for a long time. After I moved back in with my mom 2 months ago she noticed my weight loss. She asked if I was starving myself or throwing up and I said no. And now last night I was eating a sandwich and she asked me if I was going to throw it up. I tried to keep my composure and told her no. She stared at me and said you throw up. I said no and she said it again. I looked down and said so what. She then said don't do that. She then went to bed. I was so scared and pissed off. I've already started gaining weight due to depression (I gained 5 pounds in a week). I'm so scared that I'll get fat again. I was always overweight and now I'm finally skinny (I think I'm fat right now, though I only weight 112 lbs and I'm 5'6"). I'm an all or nothing eater. If I'm really depressed I don't purge or I try to purge and barely anything comes up. I try to exercise to at least keep my weight where it is but I'm always so tired and sore, and if I go ahead and exercise I loss focus and only exercise for a few minutes, which makes me feel like a failure. I'm so sick of this shit. I hate my body, I hate food, I hate my life. I can't stop, but I'm so afraid if I seek help I will get fat again. I'm so scared...

[fifthsonata]

If you want recovery, you're going to have to throw your notions of fat or skinny out the window. You will have to come to terms with the fact your perception is totally distorted. What you see as fat is NOT actually fat. You have to rely on others to help you for awhile.

Why? Because recovery does NOT equal obesity. The hardest part, THE hardest part, is the first few months. You enter refeeding syndrome and eating anything of substantial caloric intake makes you physically ill. You get bloated, gassy, you'll puke multiple times a day unintentionally. Your stomach gets uncomfortably distended for awhile. Your metabolic rate is low - after prolonged starvation your body lowers it's caloric expenditure to compensate for famine. So, your BMR may go from a base of 1500 to 1100; this is why your hands get cold, you lose hair, etc. That energy goes towards organ preservation. When you start eating more, initially you do gain weight. It's not a lot. After your body realizes it's no longer under famine, it will jump to a hypermetabolic state - it is your body's way of repairing as much as it can. Your BMR skyrockets and you want to eat the couch. This is where a support team is crucial. You begin losing weight again as a result and you need people around to help you.

You won't get fat. Your brain will fight and scream and rebel. If you have a support system, though, you come to terms with the fact that what you see as "fat" and "thin" are COMPLETELY ASS BACKWARDS. You cannot trust your brain at all. I swear - when I "jumped shark" from bulimia to anorexia, after I lost the first 40lbs, all of my clothes were way too big, but every time I went out to buy new ones, I'd still buy them way too big because that's how I saw myself. It took me forever to figure that out.


In the end, though, this disorder is a manifestation of something - for many, the eating disorder is a way to cope with inner turmoil. Unfortunately, you don't know what it is because the ED affects your health SO much that you don't know if you have depression that triggered the ED, or the ED triggered depression. Starvation and bulimia can seriously affect your brain chemistry. You have to treat the ED first to get your body healthy enough to figure out the roots, and that's the hardest part - working through your issues with weight, food, and related head on before you can get to what is causing you to take it out on your body. Once you reach a better state of health, you can be more receptive to treatment and the roots will be more visible.


So if this is what you want, think of the end result rather than the immediate tangible impact. There are people who are beautifully thin and do not have eating disorders. You can be "normal" and thin.

The fear of getting fat is, of course, the age old excuse to hang on to desperately. You've got to tell the bitch in your head who's trying to kill you to fuck off for once - y'know, that self-deprecating voice who won't leave you alone when you do decide to eat? Yeah, that one. That voice is you, but it feels so separate.


Anyway, if you need help looking for places to start, feel free to message me. While I'm no longer in recovery I have at least enough experience to know where to point people. I won't be a positive influence after that. Chelldoll, another member on this board, is in recovery and may be a better support for the "aftermath," so to speak.


Oh, a good book for you to read- Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted" and Aimee Liu's "Gaining." Hornbacher tells the tale of her eating disorder and when she decided to recover in a VERY engaging book, assuming you haven't read it yet. It's very triggering, but she's blunt about the ED and what it did to her. Liu's book is about a group of people who have recovered from their ED and their lives without it (including her own recovery and current life). Liu's book is a slow read, but still engaging if it applies to you - and what's most applicable to you now is that she doesn't describe any of these women as fat. Hmm.

[Cheldoll]

Oh honey, it's going to be okay. I promise you. Please seek help. I know it's scary, but it's really really really worth it.

I'm really mad that your mother just said "don't do that" and didn't even bother to comfort you, but it is good that you were able to admit you have a problem.

First, I suggest ditching the scale and avoid the mirror. Your own negative thoughts about yourself are hard enough to fight without them getting in the way. I haven't owned a bathroom scale since my parents threw ours out when I was diagnosed and I know damn well that it's helped me stay healthy, despite giving into temptation and weighing myself at the gym several times.

I haven't fallen back into anorexic behavior for about three years now and have been working on recovery since I was 14, but I still can't recognize the girl in the mirror. I remember shopping for clothes before college with my parents and reaching for a pair of pants that were size 0 and my dad saying gently "no, you should get a bigger size." I cried in the dressing room because I felt fat. Whenever I go to the doctor and they slide the big "100" weight over on the scale, my heart sinks -- I got so used to being in the double digits back when I was a teenager that even a decade later I still cringe when I'm at a medically healthy weight.

Yeah, it's still tough sometimes. But it's so fucking worth it to not be tired all the time, not keep ping-ponging between hating food and worshiping it, not keep having to make up an excuse for why I'm not eating when everybody else is. I love not having excess hair grow all over my body and brittle hair/fingernails -- both symptoms of anorexia.

The National Eating Disorder Association has a hotline you can call for advice at 1-800-931-2237, but they only answer between 6am and 2pm PST. You need all the support you can get -- I really hope your mother becomes more helpful and you are able to confess to a friend or two. If you feel comfortable confiding in someone who you haven't actually met, please send me a private message whenever you need anything, ok?

Just please seek help. Please. You're going to be okay. Sending a big hug your way.