the compliments on low weight *trigger warning*

[WiltedRose]

I'm sure others with ed's have experienced this... I am trying HARD to gain about 10lbs to get back within my prescribed weight range.
Spoiler.... GOING TO MENTION NUMBERS, but not my height....
*TRIGGER WARNING*
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I should weigh between 115-125#, and had been maintaining that for many years since my last long term residential tx center. Sometimes I'd even creep up above 125#.... being bulimic my weight fluctuated all over.
I started a med in November to help with Bulimia... and it really did. For the most part I stopped bingeing and purging daily (all that money that had been wasted, now saved!)
But as I cleaned up my eating I kind of did not realize I was dropping weight, exercising more (well, I knew that part)...

Now that I am about 100lb... I do get CoMpliments at times - very awkward. I am viewed as very "fit" due to all of my exercise. But I am muscle and veins. No softness. And all of the people who "compliment" me on my body... about how "small and fit" I am, or "look at those toned arms and legs".... (while my true friends/family/boyfriend see me as anywhere from emaciated (my parents do)... to bony and unhealthy).

It just makes it very hard to gain the weight though every time someone gives me a compliment. And it makes me uncomfortable. Because I don't want people seeing me as my body. I do not dress provocatively by any means. I do wear fitness /athletic clothing a lot since I'm into exercise. But I feel somehow dirty for showing my body (it's hot! It's spring here in Pittsburgh and I do wear sleeveless tanks and workout/spandex like shorts)

Just venting I guess. I am not at a point where I feel sick and weak usually.At this weight I am not passing out. I am not dizzy/lightheaded . I am eating 3000 cal day roughly, sometimes more - but my exercise is so out of control the weight gain is .... well, slow to maintaining for months now.

Just so hard. I know I need to just ignore people. i hate people sometimes. Maybe they just feel sorry for me because I am so ugly and so they try to compliment me on something positive. (I've done that- my empathy making me want to say something nice to people to help them feel better). I just wish I were invisible. I hate bodies. Rather, I hate having a body. And I hate having an eating disorder.

[manuel_moe_g]

May your exercise and diet be expressions of self-love, that is my wish to you. The outside world is so cruel and doesn't care about self-love. Be true to yourself and self-loving. Please feel the love from this forum, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[WiltedRose]

your replies are always so kind and meanginful (without being verbose, as I tend to be! Thank you "Manual Moe" - for helping maintain this forum with Paul, and for reading what we write, and responding genuinely.
~Wilted Rose

[manuel_moe_g]

Verbose is AOK! I am terse mainly because my mind goes blank as soon as I touch the keyboard!