Confused

[SonicCat24]

About 6 years ago, I began restricting like crazy and became obsessive with my running. I lost an unhealthy amount of weight and continued these behaviors for years. During that time I went from being a vegetarian to eating meat to becoming a vegan. Now, I eat vegan 90% of the time. The other 10% is my secret fast food trips. When people ask me, I always identify myself as vegan as if it is a badge of honor. I am extremely secretive about my eating. If I do binge, I always purge afterwards. I am now recognizing how many weird eating rituals I have including:

-getting fast food, eating it in the car and throwing out the wrappers before I get home
-paying for fast food with cash so my wife won't find out
-looking forward to time when I can be home alone so that I can binge and purge
-telling my wife that I had a late lunch when she asks why I don't want dinner (when really I'm just restricting)
-keeping junk food hidden in my house and looking forward to binging on it
-getting excited about the thought of not eating the next day
-working through lunch, claiming that it's because I am so behind on my work (when really I'm just restricting)

I do not look at food in a healthy manner. I have a lot of guilt, secrets, and anxieties surrounding food and I don't know how to begin to look at food in a more healthy way. Any help/support would really be appreciated. Thank you.

B

[fifthsonata]

The only way you can rebuild your relationship with food is by getting professional help. You have to figure out why you've taken on these behaviors, what you can do to alleviate them, and then look at the root cause of how it even began....and that's just the start. It's fucking HARD to work on eating disorders because we can't leave this addiction behind - alcoholics can avoid bars and booze. Coke addicts can avoid coke.

We can't avoid food because we need it to live.

You have to have someone there to help you. Reprogram your thoughts, your relationship with food - everything.


It takes time, it never goes away, but really, the work is worth it. You realize how much of your life has been lost, what you've been missing in this world, and the amazing gratitude you have when you.....when you can just eat two oreos and put the box away with no second thought. When you can listen to your body and trust it will tell you what it needs. When you realize you are more than a body, when life has more to offer than just food.....

.....and it all starts by asking for help. Start with a counselor and go from there.

[fieldingmellish]

Your post really resonated with me, as I am going through similar issues around food. The act of eating has become an exhausting ritual filled with shame and guilt.

Your self-awareness on the subject is really encouraging, and I would urge you to contact an ED organisation that can help you overcome these issues. I started going to a support group recently and it has been really helpful to discuss my problems and get advice from people who have been through similar things.

[SonicCat24]

Thank you both. I have been seeing a therapist for the past few months for my anxiety/depression. I have never brought my eating issues up. I have no problem opening up about anything else in my life but, for some reason, my eating issues are my secret. My goal is to bring this up at our next session. I guess I don't give my ED a lot of weight compared to my anxiety/depression so I figure by bringing it up it would just distract from the "real problems" I'm having. ED's are so fucking sneaky! Thank you again. I really appreciate your support.

B

[fieldingmellish]

No problem. I know how difficult it is to confront these things. Keep us updated on how things go

[fifthsonata]

Oh God, I know. You're cheating yourself, though, by not opening up about the eating disorder - they intermingle. The depression can't be treated without addressing the eating disorder and the ED can't be addressed without working on the depression. Just using myself as an example, and I know it's common, my ED is a side product of the depression. I use it as a coping mechanism. Of course now I have lots of other wonderful things tied up into the ED so it's one giant clusterfuck, but it's part of the overall spectrum under my depression. It makes things feel less, the world hurt less, and I can handle myself a little better.


So I hope you can work your way up to telling your counselor. I suspect it will make a whole world of difference.

[Carolina446]

Great post.