struggle

[Skeeter]

I'm not entirely sure where to start, but I know that I need to. I can ramble when writing so no promises on keeping this short and sweet. To give you a snap shot of myself - at my heaviest I wore a size 16 and stopped looking at the scale when it tipped 160lbs. That was in seventh/eighth grade. I'm now 23, 5'3", a size 0, and haven't owned a scale since leaving my parents house (though admittedly, I can't visit their house without weighing myself). I'm incredibly lucky and blessed to be working professionally in my degree field ever since graduating art school in 2013. I actively practiced mindfulness until it became a natural thought process and do spend most of my time quite happy and stable. Yet, through accepting my faults and embracing the life I have and the struggles that make it so fulfilling, I cannot shake the utter disgust I hold for my stomach, legs, and arms. I've been over worked lately, stretching myself between four jobs with two days off in the past two months. I have a feeling I'm using this, as well as the fact I am broke as hell, to keep myself from eating more than one small meal a day. I haven't restricted this much since I was in college.

When I was little I binge ate all the time; I learned from a young age how to silently remove food from the kitchen. Too many mornings before school to count my mother would say that I looked like a stuffed sausage. My brother called me a beached whale when I would try to heave my large, young, body out of a pool. My father forced me to run around the neighborhood every day and got so dark and disappointed if I wouldn't go; I'm a hardcore daddy's girl so it would destroy me to see that he didn't like me. My six year old cousin once asked if I ate too much candy and that was why I was fat. I looked to my aunt in disbelief, caught her eye, and she looked the other way. I felt like the cautionary whale of my family.

I saw an amazing therapist in high school. I experienced some friend betrayal which turned out to be the straw that broke my back. I had panic attacks when my mom would pull up to the school and more often than not she drove me home. For a stretch in my junior year I rarely attended more than three days a week. That's when my parents knew I needed help. My therapist saved me and showed me how these struggles and expectations being forced on me were not reflections of who I was as a person, rather who my parents were. My panic subsided and I 'graduated' therapy, but I didn't love myself yet. I held back a lot of things from my therapist because I was scared she would think less of me. We touched on weight once very briefly. An old middle school teacher saw me and asked if I lost weight in a healthy way - holy shit was that a terrifying and scarring question to be asked out of the blue. So inappropriate. When I brought it up with my therapist I lied to her just like I lied to my teacher, of course it was healthy.

Freshman year and the freedom and independence that came with it is when I started severely counting calories and keeping a 'thinspiration' journal. Aka, a place to tick calories and inches and berate myself for my inability to throw up all the Ben & Jerry's I just devoured. I absolutely hated myself and thought that the only way I would ever understand happiness would come from being thin. I threw myself into restriction and unfortunately learned to adore the feeling of a growling stomach and the look of my bones through my skin. While I know I shouldn't, I still strive for that look. And I did find some happiness and acceptance with myself after losing weight. I think that's part of what is so addicting about this behavior, at least for me. It worked. But only kind of, I still fear being fat and the second I have to buy size 2 pants I fall back into it.

I don't want to go back to that dark and brutal place but I seem to have slipped there unwillingly. Lately I have only gotten out of bed to walk my dog and go to work. Ever since that freshman year I don't think I ever fully shook the anorexia. It would come in waves with excuses attached, but it would always come. I have reach a point in my spiritual maturity where I know I am hurting myself and I know that I can't stop this all alone. I need help. I researched local support groups today and cried when I found out they were all out of my price range. I'm at a wall and I am unsure of how to get over it. I'm stuck and asking for help but there isn't anyone to ask. My next step is to go to my friends but I don't want to burden them with this, my closest friends live miles and time zones away and have their own lives to worry about. I'm known as a sage to my friends, while I love to be their support system it is too much pressure sometimes. I'm not a professional, I'm a baby adult still learning to walk and talk at the same time. I feel that because I am their support system I cannot show my vulnerability. I have so much darkness inside of me that I have learned to live with instead of in. So few people understand the extent to how morbid I can get and it scares me to let all of that show.

So I guess I'm coming here in hopes of finding a free support group. And damn did I write an ebook. Hats off and, in the spirit of the podcast, virtual hugs to anyone who read the whole thing.

[oak]

First up, thank you for posting and sharing.

Second, my goodness can you write! Were you to write an ebook, I'd definitely be interested in reading it. Such clarity in your writing.

Third, congrats on getting a college degree and working in your field. I honor you.

Fourth, if you are working four jobs and still broke, I send assurances over teh interwebs that there is hope. Absolutely. I can say so confidently, having struggled myself to overcome underearning and financial unclarity (I humbly offer my thread, should you want to see my halting steps: http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=80&t=8996

As far ED, I can't offer any topic-specific suggestions, but here are some thoughts I offer that you are welcome to take or leave:

I am very impressed that you can, and are, articulating your thoughts and emotions. That is really good. That is a really good first step. Very good.

I am also pleased to hear that you know you want a support network, and are taking steps. Another two big steps. Congratulations.

As far the self-reported darkness and morbidity within you, I encourage you to accept that part of you. You need not always be a sage. You can add a little balance, a little rough/spicyness to your personality. If someone doesn't like your new you, oh well.

As far as your family taking your inventory (listing your supposed faults), here is something that has worked for me: when someone starts to take my inventory, I politely interrupt and state that should they choose to continue listing my faults, then I will take an equal amount of time to list their faults. Suddenly people aren't so willing to talk anymore.

Also, your weight is between you, your doctor, your therapist, and trusted people you choose. One's weight is no more a proper topic to discuss randomly, with no appropriate context, than bowel movements.

Ergo, you are welcome to use this lovely phrase that calls out inappropriate conversations: "I am not discussing this, and not discussing not discussing this."

(Though you need not identify your gender identity or nationality, IME as an American man I am stunned how often American womens' bodies are seen as public property, able to be touched and discussed at any time. Generally should anyone touch me like that, there would be a reckoning. That's a whole 'nother can of worms, one that needs to be discussed more, but I don't want to get your thread off topic.)

Of course, sometimes it is easier to advise difficult conversations than to actually have them!

Lastly, if you can't afford therapy/support groups, I kindly encourage you to examine your budgeting and spending. There may be a solution there, or not. Something to think about.

Hang in there. I think you're on your way. Keep us posted.

[awfullottafalafel]

There are truly hopeful aspects of the voice behind this post. I hear you saying, "I'm ready!", and its fighting to be heard among the voices that drown it out. Please listen to that smaller voice that comes from deep within. Its there. You can do this. When you go through recovery and realize the power of your mind when you have the space and the freedom to use it to serve you, everything becomes richer. Eating disorders are a sad existence, I know after fourteen years with mine. Theres a big world out there waiting for you to be freed from mental slavery. You can do this!!!

[Bipolar1too]

Ugh, I know this struggle all too well. I tend to restrict all day and then binge at night and I am working on finding some sort of middle ground where I can stop binging at night but eat three regular meals in a day, the trouble is I am terrified to start this as I am scared of eating during the day in case I binge anyway. The thought of gaining weight right now isn't an option. One thing I am trying to do when comparing foods now is remind myself to focus on noticing which is the healthier choice and how that choice would effect my body inside and out in a positive way ( ie the vitamins and minerals are good for skin and hair) rather than simply focusing on comparing the negative aspects ie calories. While this doesn't stop me choosing the lower cal food, it is forcing me to stop for a minute and think and I hope is a slow step towards breaking this addiction. So much of me wants to have a healthy relationship with food, but the fear of gaining weight is too strong to allow me to properly try.

About an hour ago I just admitted to my mother out loud over the phone that I have suffered from some form of disordered eating off and on since I suffered from anorexia at age 15. As something that the other people in my life know about, I only admitted this to her because I have just finished writing a book about my journey with mental illness and while she knew about the bipolar disorder and near fatal suicide attempt, I figured it was better I tell her everything than for her to read it later, I guess I didn't want to disappoint her. To my surprise she took it really well and actually said to me that she had known all along and was glad I felt ready to talk about it now.
I have to admit that the ending of my book is probably a little bit untruthful as I have preached a whole lot of sage advice that I am having trouble practicing right now, but if I keep repeating and focusing on what I know intellectually is right rather than how I am feeling, hopefully the neural pathways in my brain will re route off that worn out old beaten track and I will start to believe it.

You should write an e-book, its very cathartic if nothing else

[Carolina446]

Your post really amplified me.

[apsross]

really great help