Born in a Cult - Great Start Right?

[vanbipolar]

I have a long story, but, I learned a long time ago not to do the whole "poor me" thing but I feel sometimes I need to write it out.

I had a beautiful mother. She was stunning but insecure. She lost an eye at a very young age and had a great prosthetic but it was still very hard for her. She got raped at 16 at her all-girls school by a carpenter. Her mother sent her to a home for unwed mothers and my mom was forced to give up her daughter. I've never found my half/sister.

My father was a typical hippie who was in a band, did drugs and partied. He had a coffee tin full of cocaine on the kitchen counter. Him and my mom sailed through it fast. I remember a lot of yelling, partying and guitar playing. I still love hearing the guitar.

They joined a cult in San Francisco in 1976. I was born in 77. The members were all starved and believed the world was going to be destroyed and the memebers "had to" sell their stuff to buy "bunkers" and re-populate the world afterwards. My mom finally got some sense into her head and got me out 2 years later. I don't remember any of it except a citair and a weird painting. I've had lots of strang dreams that might be experiences but I'm not sure. It definitely was community living (and hippy--ish)

My dad sexually molested me at the age of 6. He was charged with sexually abusing his room-mate's daughter when she was 7 - he won. My parents split when I was 6. Mom left and became a hardcore addict who lived on the street. She would try and see me but dad kept her away. She later died when I was 16. I got to spend 2 weeks with her at the hospital and she had lucid moments where she'd see and start to cry. She would forget why she was in the hospital and I'd have to tell her all over again and she'd cry more. She died at 43.

My dad remarried a crazy woman whom I'll call Lily. Lily believed that I did not have any "discipline" so I was beat up each time I made a mistake. If I peeled a potato wrong, put something back in the wrong place, said something odd, anything - i was beat. I was kicked down the stairs, hit with dishes, smacked, punched all while I was 8 years old. A teacher at school noticed a hand print on my face and called my dad - they let me go home to them. I got the worst beating of my life. I ran out the front door in my pajamas and I didn't look back. My dad came out after me and said that he was leaving Lily and that he was sorry. He hadn't sexually abused me in 2 years and I think I repressed it at that time so I was so happy. We drove 4 hours away to his brother's city. He dropped me off at a bus stop and he never came back. My uncle came and got me and I stayed with them for the summer. Best summer ever. I got to run around in the woods, had a dog, and got to play with my cousins. It was the best time of my life.

After the summer, my dad got his parents (my grandparents) to say I could live with them. I was beyond happy at this point because i LOVED my grandparents. I wouldn't be the person I am now without them. All the good parts of me are from them.

I lost hair, got excema, lost weight, got migraines, etc. from all the stress, and it all came after the fact (which I think is odd). I got moved into a stable, calm environment and then all these physcial things came out. They stopped after a few years. I think I was about 9/10.

I was a crazy partier at 14. My party/crazy years were from 14 - 21. I did drugs, slept around, and hung out with super (and I mean very bad) people that were doing very bad things. To me, it was fun. I loved the status, getting VIP, having attention, all of it. My friends and I were "the group" in our city.

I decided to marry one of "those bad guys" and 5 years later, he was gunned down and murdered. He was the love of my life and I have not loved the same way since. Although he did bad stuff, i loved who he was inside but he could not stop doing what he did and was addicted to the lifestyle and money. I had to identify his body and I can tell you, it was the worst experience of my life. All I kept thinking was those arms will never hug me again. I was completely LOST. A month later, a girl calls me and tells me they had an orgy the night before he died - way to complicate grief right?

We had a child together and that kid was the reason I kept going. I got two jobs, and got a new place and we had a good little life. I lost my car for 3 years cause of accidents that my dead ex did and literally walked through 3 feet of snow to get to work. I laugh about that now.

I met a few new guys (all good, non-gangster guys) and I fell fast. I was used to just "being with someone 100%" - not this whole dating thing. It was hard.

From the time I was with my first husband until now, I have been addicted to prescription medication. My husband's brother got me into taking pills and that was it for me. I have posted in the addictions forum about stopping. Today is day 3.

Today, I am engaged and we have a son together. My fiance is a working man and he's good to my other child too. He doesn't know about my addictions. He is an alcoholic and will go to AA for awhile and then fall of the fence. It doesn't ever get bad though. He's maybe had 5 bad nights in 3 years so I think he's doing pretty good.

I have a bad injury right now so it's hard for me to walk. I can't lift up my kids either. This is very hard and saddening to me. My littlest guy forgot who I was as I was away in the hospital for so long. It also doesn't help that they practically shove hydromorphone down your throat.

I'm a dedicated listener of Paul's podcast. It's the reason I wake up early on Friday. I'm so entranced by everyone's story and how we got where we are. I don't want to change the past, but I want to move forward and get better.

[oak]

Hey! I am glad you made it. Thanks for posting. You are a fine writer. Some thoughts, as I read:

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. That must have been heartbreaking to have to explain to her what was happening to her.

I am super glad you had that great summer with your uncle's family. The woods can be a very healing place.

I am sorry for the loss of your first husband.

Yeah! "Dating" is hard. I find it weird, also. There are haves and have nots in the dating world. A have not can be a have tomorrow, and vice versa. No one told me this in high school.

I encourage you regarding sobriety. (I am straightedge-sober for 6+ years.) It is awesome, alot of fun. That's what, IME, people still In The Life mistakenly think and all too often scream too loudly: life doesn't end at sobriety. It begins a whole level. A new way. It is lots of fun.

As far as prescription medicine, and its frequent use by supposed medical experts: yeah, it sure seems like they prescribe opiods real easily. I am getting at the drug companies created this monster, set it loose, then walked away indifferently when lives, families, and towns were and are being torn apart.

But yeah, abstinence/sobriety/temperance/just plain quitting is absolutely, definitely possible. When I made positive changes, regarding both sobriety and doing better at work, alot of my "friends" suddenly hated then deserted me. My advice is to be aware that some people have an interest in seeing other people not-get-well.

You seem like a good person. Hang in there!

[kkriesel]

You wrote about losing hair, getting eczema, etc. after the fact. That isn't at all surprising. It sounds like up until you moved in with your grandparents, you were just living in survival mode. When you no longer needed to be in survival mode, your body finally began reacting to everything you had gone through. Does that make sense to you?

[hobojungle]

Agreed, kkriesel. It sounds like post traumatic stress. Understandable from reading the story of your life. I wish you continued recovery & much self-compassion.