a mother's love

[TonyM_Guest]

I think our parents love us even while they fail to prepare us to succeed. They probably spend a lot of time feeling ashamed that they had us for so long, only having spent a lot of that time using us to fix their own childhoods.

I'm really struggling with this post. I've been thinking about it for several days. I just can't wrap my head around saying that parents love us even when they fail. My stumbling block is parents who are actively abusive -- mentally, physically, or sexually -- or willingly neglectful.

I hope that I am missing some of the context/intent in your post Beanie Boo.

[Beany Boo]

I know, it’s pretty obtuse. I think my parents loved me even though they often failed to protect me, neglected me and engaged in domestic abuse. I guess I’m just saying, loving someone doesn’t excuse bad behavior and I think in my parents minds it did.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Tony, I don't know if this will help or be more confusing, but here's my thoughts:
I have not been able to reach forgiveness with my dad, but I do understand he did the things he did because he was also abused. He really had no tools. His behaviour was not okay, I"m not saying he gets a free pass. But I think there can be a confusing dichotomy where he loved me but also abused me.
And I can be really f*cking angry about that and all the damage he did. But I can't wish that he did better, because he obviously couldn't.

I understand the unfairness. It hurts and it makes me angry and I get to feel and express all of that. And I do. I'm looking over at a painting I did of him as a bug being stabbed and having green slime come out of him.

I also think fondly of the time he taught me to cook poached eggs.

So the two things just exist...side by side. It's infuriating.
If this doesn't help, just disregard. We all have a different journey or quite possibly I am rationalizing my own feelings.
Heather

[TonyM_Guest]

Thanks, Heather. Your reply is a part of why I love these boards. We all come here and can be honest about our experiences and perspectives. It's very much akin to how I feel in my support groups.

I am still processing this and obviously I'm reading/seeing it through the lens of my own lived experience. You can hear how I struggle with the complicity of my mother during my episode (Paul called me out and said she was an active participant, not just an enabler) but for my father, he definitely took joy and pleasure in inflicting pain and suffering on me. I think that it allowed him to feel "powerful" over something/someone in his life. That's where I get stuck on the statement of "...our parents still love us..." I just can't get to that point with my experience when I know that my pain directly contributed to someone else's joy.

[brownblob]

This whole thread stirs up a lot of feelings in me. In my own dysfunctional childhood, My father didn't love me. I don't think he was capable. So I grew up desperately wanting his love and approval, and never receiving it. I want to post sometime about this man and my feelings about him, but can never seem to find the right words.
My mother did love me but she is an imperfect person. I grew up hating my father and didn't want to admit anything being wrong with my mother. And there is nothing horribly wrong with my mother, but I have struggled to be realistic about her faults at times. These things can be complicated.

[Beany Boo]

I was only speculating with my comments; hence the use of ‘I think’ and ‘I guess’. This is heavy stuff and I apologize unconditionally if I triggered anybody with my words by seeming to speak for them.

[TonyM_Guest]

No worries, Beanie Boo. I figured as much. I was just being open and transparent about where I was with my own processing of things. I've been finding (especially recently) that it's better to get my thought process out in the open so that others can give actual feedback rather than me go entirely into my own head and imagine what others might be intending.

[oak]

Any new word on this, Heather?

[Heatherwantspeace]

No new thoughts on my part, Oak.This will always be a relationship I experience watching others with equal parts curiosity and envy.
The freely given hugs...I wish I could have had that.
Heather

[Beany Boo]

Still don’t have an answer, however...

This is sort of on the right track:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0

It might be emotional to watch. But worth it.