Since I am like my mom in appearance, she has been making comments about my weight for years, as she has struggled with her own. Hell, even during Christmas she commented on how as we get older we have to deal with hair on our faces - while looking right at me. Now, I'm sure my insecurities lead me to believe she is making it about me, but I can't help but think - is that comment really necessary? Would you talk about that stuff with my much thinner, taller, prettier, more successful little sister? Getting off topic here...
As a miserable teenager my mom approached me in a way that she expected to be approached? I wouldn't talk to her, as I never felt she was listening, just angry at me, so she brought in a counselor. I was 13/14 and she brought the counselor to the house so that I would talk to both of them. Nothing happened as there was no way my teenage brain was ready to divulge my fears & insecurities in front of my mom. She would get and still gets angry at me when I don't respond the way she's expecting, though she has gotten better after my sister and I have explained we are not her, we have our own thoughts & feelings. I believe the fact that her parents died when she was in her early 20's has made it difficult for her to know what an adult relationship with a child is like. I mentioned that to her once, and she said she had never thought about it. Dammit, I'm losing the topic again.
As I've been learning more about myself and the problems I've had I'm starting to wonder if I was neglected as a kid. Not in a negative way, but because I was a cheery, outgoing kid, there was no need to comfort me. My sister was a grumpy kid, so I can imagine there was a lot more attention placed on her. I even recall my mom saying once "I'm not very good around young children, babies", and she couldn't breastfeed us - so was there a bond that was supposed to happen that never did? She always talks about the bond between first born daughter & mother, and how important I am to her. I don't feel that way though... When I was misbehaving as a teen, my sister would come in behind me and be the golden child, to ease her frustration with me. I don't blame my sister, she seized an opportunity, but it was made known what was happening. I remember that I used to have terrible nightmares as a kid and even though she told me I could come to her, she would be annoyed that I woke her up. I think from that point I had a feeling that I couldn't exactly count on her. That when I was feeling scared or alone, I had to fix it myself.
Recently I realized that part of my overwhelming anxiety involving friends and how I am perceived has been very much affected by the things my mom did when I was a teen. When I was doing the usual miserable teenage girl things, getting into "trouble" (mood swings, caught drinking or breaking curfew) she would tell me all the time how she would go to her friends/partner and tell them how awful I was, how hard it was for her to deal with me. So I was constantly reminded that I was a terrible person and that her friends & partner knew all about it. I remember screaming and crying that everyone thought that I was an awful person who was nothing but a selfish bitch (her words). This went beyond childhood/teens and into my twenties. I recall sobbing, explaining to her how hard it was on me to know that all of her friends/partner saw me as this horrible, selfish person, so of course I didn't have many adults around me that I could rely on for support. Again, I don't blame my sister, she simply saw an opportunity to gain favour, but outsiders could see how obviously she was favoured over me. I was hard to deal with and a bitch, while she was helpful and sweet. She always thought that my issue with her BF now husband was because I had a hard time accepting him. It never has been, even now my distance is because I worry what he thinks of me. When my mom would cry to him about how much of a "selfish little bitch" I was, why the fuck would he want anything to do with me?!?! It's what he saw too, not like I ever talked to him about my side, so how could he not feel the same way as my mom?
My uncle (her brother) died when I was about 13/14. My sister was always seen as more sensitive and she was perhaps too young (3 years younger) for my mom to talk to her, and mom's bf at the time couldn't handle her grief. Since I was a closed off teen, my mom leaned on me quite a bit during her grieving process. She said I could handle it, because I was "cold". She doesn't remember saying that. I sure as hell do. I've lived most of my goddamn life thinking I was an emotionally cold person. It's only been the last few months that I've come to understand that I am in fact HIGHLY sensitive, I just have absurd ways of expressing it.
Listening to the podcast and reading the posts here has shed light on a lot of inappropriate behaviour from my mom. I always thought I was some rotten (she used that word a lot too) kid/teenager and she was just doing the best she could with me. Don't get me wrong, she took us from an emotionally/verbally abusive father and was a single mom. But fuck... being told how awful you are, how hard you are to deal with? Not helpful.
Even recently the behaviour continues, I'm now 31, she says she has been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I feel terrible admitting this, but my sister and I both wonder if that is true, or if she is simply aging. Starting in 2009 I went through a really rough time that included our half brother (dads first kid) shooting himself in front of his wife of barely 2 years. The tough time continued somewhat into 2011. Heartbreak, unjustly "fired" (could have had a legal case, but made a deal), the suicide, dealing with bedbugs, more unemployment, a favourite boss and almost father figure accused of child abuse, loss of Unemployment assistance... all within a couple years. That's a lot of stress right? Yeah, she thought so too when her specialist said that Fibromyalgia can be brought on during stressful times. She told me that the amount of stress she was under worrying about me was the cause. WTF?
I am going to Hawaii with her soon for 10ish days. Just the two of us, she's paying (a pity trip, my younger sister can afford trips, I can't) and to say I am anxious is an understatement. Luckily we established when I was young, that I need time away from her after a while, that it's not about HER (well kinda
), that I need decompression time. We spoke about it, we will go off on our own to do things as well. Though there is a chance I won't be able to stop myself from bringing some painful shit up, but maybe it's time?Wow - long and rambly and totally not a big deal compared to what other people went through. Feels good to get it out here instead of just with a couple friends, so thanks for taking the time to read this. For those who had it SO MUCH WORSE - *HUGS*