I wish I could control my anger better

[walklikeanegyptian]

My anger control issues are much better than they have been in the past, and sometimes I should get angry, but then beat myself up for it. I'm not good at just gracefully walking away from bad situations -- I wait too long, because I am afraid of change or worry that it's my fault, or that i could talk to them but then don't, etc., until I end up getting angry and walking away. I guess I'm afraid of abandonment, and the idea of ending something (friendship, bad living situation, bad business relatioinship) brings up such incredible anxiety for me, that I just don't make a move at all until the situation "moves" me, or I get angry and then no one is really happy.

I also have always had an overwhelming need to "make people pay" for any unhappiness they have caused me. I want to see them fail or get criticized by someone else for the same thing they did to me. I feel SOOOO defensive, that I can't let it just go -- if I did, something bad would really happen to me. I need to be on my guard and be vigilant and angry. It's not as bad as it used to be, but it's still there.

This just came up because I just got angry at my personal trainer today and walked out of the session and we ended the relationship. I had been unhappy for a long time for several reasons, and some of them I tried to politely address with her -- her overuse of air fresheners in a very small gym space (she had no idea they were a health hazard and seemed completely uninterested in this fact), really aggressive, sexually explicit music at 8:00 a.m. in the morning. I don't need to hear "tap that ass, tap that ass, shake your ass, bitch" first thing in the morning -- or ever, actually. However, her way of responding to my concerns or suggestions was always very dismissive, and there's really no way to address that. Her interpersonal skills, her warm and fuzzy just isn't there, and she just has a blind spot when it comes to making that personal connection you need to make your clients feel good and to grow a business (I know, i have one). There have been a few times when I was concerned with a health issue while training and she showed very little compassion. When I brought this to her attention today, she said I probably was one of those clients that need to be coddled. Which actually isn't true -- she lost one of her employees for showing little compassion for her Type I diabetes symptoms. So it was definitely time to go, but I just waited and waited, and mulled it over and over, until she said something to me today and I just blew up.

I just wish I didn't do this. It's obviously so terrifying for me to make changes, so I wait too long and then this happens. I don't feel good about myself. I immediately start comparing myself to all the "nice people out there" that would have handled this so much better than I would. I have soft Bi-Polar, and irritation and anger is always an issue -- my whole family is like this. I just start hating on myself. I have spent my whole life alone for different reasons, but one big one is that I'm not a good person because of my anger -- which also tells me that I'm ugly. Ugly inside and out. Who would want me. And now I lose my temper (well I wasn't like screaming or anything, but I was forceful), and it's just more evidence that I'm a horrible person.

[brownblob]

This doesn't make you a terrible person. I had anger management issues when I was younger. I was never taught as a child how to deal with stress or other humans for that matter, so I hit adulthood as a dysfunctional angry individual. I'm still dysfunctional but I learned to control my anger over time.
You are self aware and know your issues. The big hard step is how to change. I have no great advice.