I have no friends.

[Maddie123]

Two years ago, I had a huge falling out with my best friend. He and I had a serious fight about serious issues and said unforgivable things to each other. We stopped having any form of contact, and the other two friends in our group completely stopped talking to me as well. I was completely cut out and abandoned. A year later, a traumatic event brought the former best friend and I together and we “made up”, but he moved away shortly after and again we stopped communicating. I tried to reach out, but he did not respond. For all intents and purposes, I no longer know this person, and the friendship is over. He and I had been friends for 7 years, and had known each other for even longer. Since I lost these close friends a few years ago, I have not made any new friends. I literally spend every weekend alone in my apartment. I’ve tried to get out by joining clubs and reaching out to past acquaintances, but I don’t find the same chemistry with anyone new, and a deeper friendship never forms. I care about who I let into my life, and I want my friendships to be genuine, positive, and mutually beneficial. I don’t have trouble finding romantic dates, but I find men are very interested only until they realize that I am a COMPLETE LONER. After a few weeks, they start to ask questions like “What are your friends up to?”, “You’re staying in again this weekend?”, “How come I haven’t met any of your friends?”, and they inevitably break up with me. I really cannot say to them “I HAVE NO FRIENDS! All of my friends abandoned me. Nobody will ever love meee, including youuu!” It’s nearly impossible to make friends when you have no friends, because no one wants to befriend someone who has no friends to begin with . Now that I’m a female in my late twenties, I worry more and more that I will never have any friends again, and that in turn will mean that I’ll never have a long-term partner who loves me because they will all find out what a loser I am. I cry every night thinking about how lonely I am and how my nonexistent life is nothing how I thought it would be when I was a little girl. Can anyone relate? Will it get better?

[bigeekgirl]

I can relate. I've moved around a lot, both as a kid and as an adult, plus I didn't have the best social skills growing up. You are not a loser. It's easy in our modern society to get trapped in a cycle of isolation.

It is so much harder as an adult to make close friendships, but not impossible. One thing I had to learn is not all friendships carry the intensity of best friends. I have a friend who I moved across the country to live near for several years after she had a baby and we hadn't lived around each other since middle school. Changing my perspective on her - she's family - has allowed me to have other types of friends. Friends who are dinner and a movie or game night friends are perfectly good friends. Over time, some of those people will hang in and become closer, some of them will fade away. It's hard, really hard, I'm not trying to make it sound like it's not, because I've have to work at it and it doesn't always work out the way I'd hoped. Mostly, I just keep showing up and hoping for the best even if only to check off the socialization box on my to do list which feels awfully clinical.

One possibility I'll bring up because, hey, you are here on the mentalpod site: Support groups. Depending on your specific issues, a group can help with the issue itself and be a weirdly wonderful way to meet people who are probably just as lonely. I've been going to a group for about 7 months and being able to talk openly about my issues has been a bonding experience with group members as well as a confidence boost to take into my other friendships. My group is about relationships, specifically co-dependency, so there's lots of practice on building relationships and being healthy and loving, as well as meeting our own needs.

Feel free to PM me and consider me a digital friend.

[Maddie123]

Hi bigeekgirl,

Thanks so much for your response. I especially appreciate the specific advice to "keep showing up", even if just for the sake of socialization. I think it's important to stay active in order to maintain one's social skills, because I have noticed that my skills have severely declined the more I've isolated myself. I've also always had very intense, close friendships, usually just one or two at a time, and I'm trying to let go of the idea that all friendships need to be this way. Yesterday I attended my first group meeting for SA survivors. I was so scared to go, not because I might be triggered, but because of my social anxiety. The group was about ten people, and even though I was really nervous, I spoke up a few times. I felt significantly better afterwards and proud that I had taken the first step. Thank you for your thoughtful message, and you can also PM me anytime!

[oak]

Maddie, thank you for posting this very important topic. I'm glad you did.

Congratulations for going to the support group!

May I ask what the plan is, going forward?

[bigeekgirl]

Maddie123, I'm so proud of you for going to the support group meeting. It's scary. I took weeks and weeks of deciding I ought to go, reading, going to tele-meetings, and talking to my therapist before I actually showed up to my meeting seven months ago.

Oh my goodness! I used to joke I didn't know friend had a plural form.

[Maddie123]

Oak,

I do not have a specific plan other than continuing group therapy and signing up for some local volunteer opportunities.

Bigeekgirl,

Thanks for the support!

[Soccer557]

Hey Maddie,
I'm in the same boat as you. I didn't realize after college how quickly people all of a sudden grow apart when everyone isn't in the same place anymore and readily available to get together. I don't have a best friend as she long since decided her career and friends in the field were more important. I've tried meetups and they've been semi helpful in making relationships at the meetup, but the relationships haven't broadened last that.
It's very lonely. It sucks being an adult :-/

[Maddie123]

Hi Soccer557,

Thanks for the support. It's hard when a close friend moves on and you're not ready to. You'd also think that because so many people are lonely in adulthood, it would be easier to connect with others, but it's not. I think platonic friendships can be even more complex than romantic relationships and finding the right fit is hard. I also find myself comparing new people I meet to former friends, and that's a bad habit I'm trying to stop. I just try to remind myself that I've had close friends in the past, and I'll have close friends again in the future. Friendship is possible. It may be lonely for a while, and future friendships may come and go, but that's okay and change is just inevitable. I think we're both taking the right steps by getting out and even coming together to connect on this forum. Let me know how things go for you!

[Soccer557]

We all need a friend magnet so we can find each other easier

[bigeekgirl]

I think platonic friendships can be even more complex than romantic relationships and finding the right fit is hard.

You aren't kidding! Plus, our culture places so little value on friendships by comparison. In fictional narratives, we celebrate romantic relationships and friends from childhood who are still close, but not friends we met awkwardly in our 30s and slowly let in on our deeper selves.