Hugs would be super

[kitkat]

I am feeling so useless today, and I feel so lame and pathetic for complaining. I feel like I always come here to complain and like I'm just a leech and useless, and the only things I can tell other people is just more shit that happened to me, and then it's like all I do it talk about myself, how lame is that.

But I think the worst thing, is that I have ridiculous social anxiety, and when I'm around people I get so anxious and so annoyed. And I told my psychiatrist that it's dumb to be so anxious about being around people and what they think because I get so agitated by people and a lot of people are so dumb. And my psychiatrist told me that I get agitated and annoyed at people because I care what they think and because I want them to like me, so. It's pretty dumb. I want people to like me, but I get anxious and avoid them, so I am lonely. I cannot hold friendships, I am so jealous of people with proper, close friends, because I can't open myself up to people and I'm just boring to be around because I can't do anything or talk about anything or express my feelings and opinions to other people because I'm afraid of what they'll think, or I just get completely anxious and stop answering their phone calls and eventually they give up and move on. I cannot tell you how many friends I have lost who I was so close to because I just starting avoiding them. I want to be the person to reject the other person first, you know? And whenever people try to poke me or get my attention, I just feel aggravated, like, "what do you think you're doing? i don't have the energy to go through this," but I still want them to. I want people to want to talk to me and I want to matter to people, but I'm a coward. If I didn't want to be around people, why would I feel so lonely? Maybe my dream is that one day I will push someone away and they will refuse to leave, but if that happened, I'd probably only end up annoyed that I didn't have any space and I would feel suffocated and lock myself in my room and continue to be a useless, horrible friendless friend. I don't think I'd really want that. What a horrible, selfish dream. I don't really know what I want from people.

I guess my mind is indecisive. Sorry for the rambling and talking about myself again and being a downer and being selfish and being needy and things, feel free to ignore me.

But I think a hug would be nice, also. I wish I let my friends actually get close to me and then we could hug and be honest, too.

[oak]

Hugs kitkat.

I hope you find friends soon! You seem like a very good person on this forum.

Maybe it is a phase of my life of shedding things, but lately I realize that love and hate are the same thing, of what I feel for my long term friends. But that's just me.

You are a person of intrinsic worth. Thanks for posting.

[mouse]

I feel the exact same way. It's like you plucked the words right out of my brain. Since I've been on medication, it's been so much better, but people still get to me sometimes. Recently, I spent a weekend away with a too-clingy friend and absolutely wanted to claw my eyes out. So, I feel for you.

Hug, hugs, hugs.