constant caretaker

[lippy]

This is my first post. I feel like I can't go to anyone right now so I'm posting here, thank you for this space.

I have lots of mental illnesses since I was a little kid (depression, anxiety disorder, agoraphobia) and yet I am a constant caretaker. The way I show love is to take care of people, which is all well and good, except for how I end up surrounded by people who don't know how to take care of themselves or me when I need it. I'm a people pleaser, though I am getting fairly good at setting boundaries and trying to ask for what I need.

Tonight I had a big fight in the car with my mom. She is also a caregiver. We're very close, but my dad is sick (serious but not deadly) and lately she has been picking fights with me and driving me nuts. Tonight I was telling her my ankle is swollen and hurting, and she turned it into how I'm not taking care of myself and that I need to get an MRI (for a swollen ankle?) and basically freaking out because I was venting. I told her that I was doing everything I can, I have a great relationship with my doctor and she knows about it, and that she's endorsed my current use of acupuncture which is helping. Anyway, the conversation kept twisting and turning until it was about how irresponsible I am in general, and she blurts out "What will you do when I'm dead?".

My mom pulling these mind games on me out of nowhere because she's projecting her anxiety about my dad's health onto me just pushed me over the edge and I burst into tears. Usually I can talk her down, but she had been escalating so much and I am so stressed out that I just broke down. I tried to draw boundaries repeatedly and she would not respect them. We were stopped by my house and I had to leave the car crying.

I have been extremely stressed out lately, my dad is sick, and I have been having problems with my partner taking out their stress on me too, and I haven't been getting the support I need. For some reason I feel like I'm really bad at having people who can help me around when I need them. I've also started school again in order to help my parents with the family business, and school is one of my top triggers for anxiety. I've barely been holding it together, had a terrible week of insomnia and fighting with my partner, and have been doing everything to reduce anxiety, but people keep pushing me into crisis.

When I got in my boyfriend had got up from trying to sleep off some illness he's been fighting since last night. He could barely go through the motions of hugging me and supporting me. He knew what he needed to do, but he couldn't do it because he's sick, I get that. Instead he snapped at me a couple of times when I asked for support explicitly. I sooo needed him to do it, though. I've been aching for him to give me real support and attention, and acknowledge how hard I've been working and how my stressors are real and valid. To give me his support for more than 15 minutes before slipping back into a screen so we can barely talk for hours.

I understand that both of them are stressed and compromised themselves, but lately it feels like I'm not allowed to have needs or boundaries because they're inconveniencing my loved ones. I barely feel like anyone truly cares for me because nobody can give me their time or attention. It's too late at night to reach out to friends. And I just have to go back to bed and lie next to the person I love, who can't give me a fraction of the care that I give them. It's not just tonight either, this is an ongoing issue we have been dealing with. I give the people in my life active mindful care, and it seems like I have no one in my day to day life who can give that to me. They always find some reason to put my needs aside. I'm just sitting here in the dark, crying my eyes out for what seems like the millionth day in a row, getting ready to take my medication so I can force my body to rest. I'm nauseated. I feel so low right now, like my heart is ripping apart and nobody cares.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello lippy, welcome to our little forum.

I read your whole post. First of all {{{{hugs}}}} your pain and suffering came through in your writing. You don't deserve this suffering.

You have needs, and you are surrounded by people who cannot or will not fulfill those needs. First start by giving yourself a butterfly hug - hug yourself by crossing your arms over your chest and grab tight. You must start by being self-loving, because you deserve care too. Care for yourself at the same high standard you care for other people. You will probably have to take a little break from these people who refuse to honor you.

Please take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[lippy]

Hi Manuel,

Thanks so much for your reply and hugs. My post was obviously full of pain and desperation. Thanks for reading it all. Didn't realize how long it was, but that's ok, it's good to get those emotions out. Maybe in the future I can be more eloquent, but this is ok for now.

My mom apologized since last night, a few times, actually. And she is very generous most of the time. She really is a great mom, but boy is she stressed out right now, and understandably. We obviously still need to work on her respecting my boundaries as an adult and her not taking out her anxiety on me. I'm glad I left the car, sometimes the only option when people refuse to listen is to disengage and set boundaries and take care of yourself that way.

The BF is still sick, and I feel kind of bad for asking for attention. I know it's not wrong, but it just sucks that he is physically unable to address this right now, because I need him to so badly. He's not actually terrible at meeting my needs, he's just been extra stressed (noticing a pattern lately? Heh) and needs to put some effort in when he can so things aren't so lopsided.

Tomorrow I'm going on an overnight trip with a bunch of friends, so I hope this can give us all some space, give me some relaxation and rejuvenation, and maybe give the BF time to heal too and to miss me.