NSFW relationship-seminal moment thing...

[a_schoe]

So there are plenty of seminal moments in my life, but this is one that I've been focusing on a lot lately, so I'll talk about this:

Last summer, I went on a research trip to Oxford and I met a boy. I thought he was nice at first. Smart enough, made me feel listened to and special. This was on the heels of a pretty tragic family...thing...and I really, really liked the attention. So I decided I wanted to have sex with him.

Sex. Just. Sex. No relationship (after the two week trip we would be on separate sides of the US and I was returning to England three months later--I was in no way ready for the commitment of a long-distance relationship with someone I had just met). But it somehow became one. The rest of the group we were with pushed us together, and while I tried to escape him as much as possible, he was never too far away. And slowly, over the following week (this all happened IN ONE WEEK), I started to notice that I wasn't being respected. Not in the bedroom. Not outside of it. I tell him that I don't like energy drinks, he shoves three at me in the hopes of making me orgasm. I tell him I don't feel comfortable with assplay, he gives me a surprise rimjob and tried to buttfuck me with a limp dick. He bitched to me about how the "rest of the group was treating" him and when I offered to help him, he told me that I was useless (basically). Eventually, he got to the point where me saying "no" wasn't an option. I don't think he raped me, but he did use it as a way to guilt me into sex. And instead of being smart, I fell for it, and in the middle of the blowjob I was giving him, I realized, 'I don't have to take this shit.'

So I ended it there.

And he still bothered me for a while afterwards. He told me that I was crazy. That if I had gotten pregnant, I should get an abortion. Basically, telling me what I should do with my own body (which he had been doing before in the relationship). Like he fucking owned it. Like he knew what I felt.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about this because even though it's been months and months and I have completely cut all contact with him, it still bothers me. And because the podcast has really helped me to understand what had happened. He was abusive. He had sexualized me. And, in some way, it wasn't my fault that I fell for it, because you can't really catch these things as they're unfolding. Abusers are trained or hard-wired or something to sniff out vulnerability and exploit it. All you can do is try your hardest to get out as soon as you realize what's going on. And you don't have to take it if you know it's unhealthy. And it's okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them.

[MizLzie]

Wow, that's quite the experience, sorry that you had to go through that. Such a body wracking experience to realize that there was abuse taking place. Good for you for being able to learn and trying to move past it! It can be hard to look at it from the perspective that he did something to you that wasn't ok, and not that you were overreacting or whatever we're told from a young age. I've realized through this podcast that a lot of interactions I've had bordered on abuse, that it wasn't me just not "being into them".

[Nevina]

Wow, I'm really sorry that happened, and really glad that you have now realized it can be difficult to realize what is going on when you're in the thick of it, and these people are so great at manipulation and controlling through guilt. It's pretty great to realize you're not simply stupid or weak, and it's awesome that you came to some understanding of that even while you were in the midst of it!

[Jay Dub]

Wow, what an experience you've had! Someone telling you what to do with your own body is shitty, lets just be honest. I have ASKED my wife to lose weight because she was very much overweight for her height and her dad has had three heart attacks so heart disease runs in her family. She on the other hand has told me that I can have no more tattoos or piercings and was going to get a vasectomy after our second child is born. We agreed to just let each other do what they want with their body.