My Dad....

[Imissmysun]

My childhood is the story of two different little girls. I was a gregarious, social, friendly, outgoing little girl. I loved talking to people and i had a habit of hugging strangers i think because i knew it made them happy. (I lived in a small town where everyone knew everyone. They were strangers to me but my mom knew everyone ).

When i was 8 my father died. He had melanoma. It spread to his blood stream. He faded pretty fast. I just shut down. I really could not process what happened and i think that i have been in a depressed disassociated state ever since.

I think about my dad a lot. I wonder how things would be different if he had lived.

I think a lot of my trauma would be gone. That was a truly defining moment.

Ive been trying to fill that hole in my heart and it just has not mended.

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun

Good morning

My dad died about 6 years ago. In the end, it was a relief because he was toxic by then.

But.

He ‘went away’ around the same time as your’s did, when I was 10 years old. He disappeared into alcoholism.

I didn’t mourn for him after his funeral. My feeling for him at that time was like that of a carer for a small child for whom I was forced to be his toy which he threw across the room.

Pause. Flash forward.

In March, this year, I began to ask myself compulsively, sort of all of a sudden, “Where did my bad daddy go?” I could hear the child’s plaintive voice in the question. The pain was a-cute.

I kept asking. It brings children's tears asking in this moment.

Around the same time, I quit point blank a couple of addictive behaviours, went back into therapy and wended my way to mentalpod.

The acute pain was grief. But I wasn’t grieving the death. I was grieving the little boy. Make that 2 little boys. The second little boy who was my dad who I couldn't protect, though I tried my whole life, hoping he might come back to himself and me.

Two little boys. Who didn’t do anything wrong.

I feel you. That little girl wants her daddy back.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing.

[Imissmysun]

My friend cool beans,

Thank you for sharing your story it means so much for you to be brave and share your story and I think its worse for you to have the potential for recovery to have your parent physically in this realm but not be present emotionally. I think that is a lot harder...

Your pain is still so visceral it almost wakes me out of my stupor...

but I am seriously enmeshed in a numbness right now that I have created to protect myself from the overwhelming pain I have squirreled away over the years - I stacked it up as I was never given the tools to process all of lifes delightful horrors that pop up...

My arms feel like lead right now - like huge mostrous tencled chains I have to drag everywhere and they are sluggish... not wanting to move or listen to my brains demands - doing my job today which requires talking and typing is just murdering my brain it does not want to be here right now...

Oak -

You are a calming presense - I appreciate that you take the time just to let me know you read it -

You are like a real shade tree providing an emotional shelter here - I just want to thank you

[Beany Boo]

Imissmysun,

Good morning

I was relieved to be able to share it with you.

I am also relieved that your experience of work is similar to mine.

I don't have any pearls of wisdom. In fact my mind went to, "I wonder what kind of chains they are."

Sorry.

I think I was just fascinated by the noise they made. And your tentacles are w-i-l-d.

Unless tencle is a word. Oh shit, I hope it's not a word; I've just imagined monstrous tentacles chained together.

Something interesting to watch while I sit with you.

But later I have to check google.

[Imissmysun]

It was totally a typo, i meant tentacle... my fingers were not typing well while in such a numbed state and i dont proof read when im binging out thoughts.

I am using this space as a journal some days and when i journal i just let what comes out, come out.

But yes i felt like my arms were foreign floppy lumps that would not work how i wanted them to.

And i am getting a headache right now out of no where so off to take some aspirin and try to sleep