Three lighthearted stories at my expense.

[oak]

In which my illusions of grandeur are destroyed:

1. When I was a child, I loved loved loved three things: cars, going fast, and having agency. Consider the enthusiasm only a child can have, because that will be important/embarrassing soon.

In the early 80s, there was an open air zoo, with decrepit surplus mail jeeps, on a rail. There was no protection, and it would just rattle along, obviously on a track.

As a 5 or 6 year old, I was in ecstasy: I was driving the jeep like a big boy! I was oblivious to the fact that the "steering wheel" listlessly rotated, and the jeep was on a track that was plainly visible at any time. I mean it was right in front of you at all times; in practice you could not not-see the rail. Also, I retroactively remember that it made clanking noises exactly like a roller coaster, which is basically was, just flat.

I'm sure my father and grandmother gave each other concerned looks as I was overjoyed to be driving the jeep like a big boy.

Rationally, nowadays in the cold light of reason, I realize I was much too old not to notice the rail, clanking away. At any rate, one day my father took me aside to explain I really wasn't driving the jeep. I can't say that I was devastated, but he should have let me figure it out on my own, since it was so freaking obvious.

Forgive the shaggy dog aspect of the next story. I am in no way exaggerating.

2. Six months ago I was waking up: half asleep and half awake. I had two amazing ideas, that would revolutionize everything we understand about culture and human society, forever.

First Amazing Idea

I had an idea for a piece of comedy that was by far the greatest contribution to humor ever, or that ever could be.

This would be far above the quality of (genuine) works of genius like Hamilton or the Beatles. Hamlet would be pure garbage compared to this idea.

It would be, at first, so hilarious that Seinfeld or the Simpsons or O Henry would be insignificant, beneath notice.

Once people were done laughing, they'd be so profoundly touched that they would cry tears of joy, being forever changed by this amazing idea.

And here it is:

An online hall of fame about toast.

That's it.

I'd have a stock photo of sourdough bread toast. Another photo would be whole wheat.

And a special "wing" for butter. And a picture of jam.

That is the extent of this world-shattering piece of culture.

Second Amazing Idea

While my first world changing idea was a shaggy dog, my second brilliant idea was simplicity itself:

Three quarters asleep, I realized two truths about all humanity:

1. Everyone is searching for meaning, and often religion divides people.

2. Everyone needs dental care (which is true, but the conclusions I came to were bonkers).

In a flash, I had the answer to both issues: dental theology.

I didn't have an actual theology, or any specifics about dentistry. Just that the idea of "dental theology" (and nothing else) was such a clear message for humanity that people everywhere would be so overwhelmed by the truth and beauty of those two words, that I'd done all justice demanded of me, and they'd go do all the work to implement this. I was so benevolent to share this, that humanity would instantly change because of the words "dental theology".

Much like the toast website, this would be such a towering work of genius and benevolence that society would instantly and completely change forever.

[Heatherwantspeace]

Oak, thank you so much for toast hall of fame! It gave me a laugh on a crummy day.
My contribution would be--burnt toast, burnt scraped off, with peanut butter. Invented in childhood and still a favourite.
In my mind there is also the opportunity to do a virtual buttering on line.
Heather

[snoringdog]

Hey Oak,

If you can formulate this Dental Theology.... it would be a Crowning Achievement!

Something for us all to chew on....

[brownblob]

Thought you might enjoy this Oak. This guy could be your guide at the Hall of Fame.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHptn_3RyYE

[Heatherwantspeace]

It took me a long time to realize the drum was a toaster!