My 'Favorite' Fears List (because these are just some!)

[brave-girl-living]

I fear that I'll recover from my eating disorder, stop being scared of food, start eating, never stop and become an obese lady on a scooter that wears inappropriately small yoga pants and has no one that loves her.

I fear perpetually waiting for my life to start, always being discontent and always trying to get to the next best thing, or the end, or at least always waiting for a place contented maintenance. I fear not being able to ever live in the present.

I fear being happy. I fear that it will mean I'm being selfish, indulgent, self-centered and only thinking of myself. I've been taught that to be "good" that I need to sacrifice my happiness for higher things (dogma) and other people.

I fear my daughter developing an eating disorder also and instead of supporting her and helping her heal; becoming triggered by her and relapsing.

I fear being physically or emotionally unable to take care of my work load and responsibilities; getting sick, injured, depression, incapacitating anxiety, emotional trauma or negative emotional intensity flare....anything that causes me to land flat on my face in bed and fail.

I fear my own intensity. I fear the emotion that comes with it, I fear the high stimulation needs that come with it, I fear all the needs that come with it, I fear the ways it can scare other people away, I fear losing control of myself because of it.

I fear the times when I know my feelings and soul are struggling with something and I can't pinpoint the issue. It makes me feel blind, stuck, naive, and ignorant.

I fear making mistakes and bad choices. Having lived so much of my adult life not ever really making my own choices and playing it so safe that mistakes were nearly non-existent/not noticed, I find it very scary to be so independent and still tend towards being hyper-vigilant with watching myself, because error (that would only be my fault) seems so intolerable.

I fear that my young son may be about to struggle with depression. I fear that his father and grandmother won't take my concern or my sons feelings seriously, I fear my limitations is being able to help him and I fear not being able to change his living situation in order to help heal him.

I fear everything about aging. I feel losing my height, I fear wrinkles, I fear extra skin, I fear getting the kind of fat that only old people are, I fear losing my mobility, I fear being alone and helpless, I fear not have money or income, I fear being boring and not fun. The only part I don't fear is losing my mind. At this point, that would be fucking awesome.