I'm afraid:
*I've been negligent to my children due to my oppressive depression
*My shame will become my kids' shame
*I'll die & my pedophile exhusband will take all my girls
*my cult parents will cause even more harm to my name with even more hurtful lies. They've already turned my whole extended family against me, what more can they do?
*my best friend will die
*that I've gotten into yet another shitty relationship & my current boyfriend, who I let move into my life & my kods' lives, will hit me in one of our frequent arguments
*that my van will break down
*that the god I was raised to believe in really is the truth and I'm going to burn in hell for turning my back on him
*that my reality is fucked and I really am crazy like my asshole exhusband, and now boyfriend, said
*that I'll lose my house
*that I'll lose my low paying, only available job
*that if I kick my boyfriend to the curb I'll go back to the lethargic wastoid non-mom I used to be
*that no one will ever want to love me; a woman with lots of kids, looks 15 years younger, and has recently, finally lost a baby tooth (the adult tooth is slowly but surely coming in!)
*that I'll get cancer from smoking and die on my kids
*that my mom pulls me back into her cult
So afraid
Re: So afraid
Hi Mumzy,
I'm sorry you're dealing with so many tough issues, and my heart goes out to you just reading the list of your fears.
This is one that leapt out at me since I dealt with it for many years after leaving the fundamentalist church of my upbringing:
*that the god I was raised to believe in really is the truth and I'm going to burn in hell for turning my back on him
Currently I'm not a believer, but I think what helped me the most in getting rid of this type of fear was reading and listening to people who are Christian or Catholic but have a much more loving view of God, including Father Gregory Boyle, Anne Lamott, Nadia Bolz Weber, Rob Bell, Rachel Held Evans, and Jay Bakker.
I'm wishing you some restful and peaceful moments when you feel free from these heavy fears. Please share again here any time you feel like it.
rivergirl
I'm sorry you're dealing with so many tough issues, and my heart goes out to you just reading the list of your fears.
This is one that leapt out at me since I dealt with it for many years after leaving the fundamentalist church of my upbringing:
*that the god I was raised to believe in really is the truth and I'm going to burn in hell for turning my back on him
Currently I'm not a believer, but I think what helped me the most in getting rid of this type of fear was reading and listening to people who are Christian or Catholic but have a much more loving view of God, including Father Gregory Boyle, Anne Lamott, Nadia Bolz Weber, Rob Bell, Rachel Held Evans, and Jay Bakker.
I'm wishing you some restful and peaceful moments when you feel free from these heavy fears. Please share again here any time you feel like it.
rivergirl
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bigeekgirl
- Posts: 402
- Joined: December 9th, 2012, 9:17 pm
- Gender: female
- Issues: depression/anxiety. co-dependence, disordered eating/using food to cope
- preferred pronoun: she
- Location: South Carolina
Re: So afraid
Mumzy2014, your fears are reasonable considering your background and situation. I do not say that to keep you in fear, only to validate your status as a rational thinker.
You are so brave and strong to have left the cult and then your ex-husband. Neither of those things are small or easy. Acknowledge your victories and build from them.
Much love, friend.
You are so brave and strong to have left the cult and then your ex-husband. Neither of those things are small or easy. Acknowledge your victories and build from them.
Much love, friend.