Nothing left

[rivergirl]

Aww, thanks, manuel-moe-g. Not feeling awesome or even adequate right now, but the positive words help.

The forum is fortunate to have you as moderator & guardian (?) Not sure what else to call it but I've noticed that you often reply to posts that don't get any other replies, and I find that really comforting somehow. I'll bet a lot of other forum readers do as well. So thanks for being truly awesome yourself!

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks rivergirl! That means a lot to me!

[irrationalpersist]

Sending support vibes! You have accomplished Herculean tasks and with an illness of your own, to boot. I have a great admiration for everything you are doing, including extricating yourself from the manipulations and head-spinning contradictions and hypocrisy of ex-bf. Well rid of him, and, no matter how much it hurts to let him go, you will hurt a lot less in the future.

((Hugs))

IP

[rivergirl]

Thank you, irrationalpersist! I've been realizing that it's hard for me to take in the positive comments like yours in some of the replies I've received. I feel like I want to hide from them because they don't match my beliefs about myself. But I'm feeling a little more hope that wasn't there a couple of weeks ago, and at least intermittently I can see myself in a bit more forgiving light. Hugs back to you!!

[Omniel]

RG, this dude is useless to you. And I'll tell you something else---there are people who specifically target kind and caring people like you because they're easier to manipulate and abuse.

The fact that you feel guilty about not being able to do more (though you're doing a ton) for your mom is normal. The fact that you feel bad because you couldn't go live where this man is and MOTHER HIS SON FOR HIM is you trying to be more giving so he'll appreciate you more. I did a bunch of that and it really doesn't matter how much you give. You can give them your last dime and that carrot of attention will still be JUST beyond your reach.

I hope today finds you in a better place and I really hope you are minimizing contact with this guy. You can find someone in town to treat you badly, why have someone do it from a long distance? That was a joke, of course.

[rivergirl]

Omniel, thank you so much for the post. I read it last weekend when I was experiencing a low point (fantasizing about when I'm done caring for my mom that then I can end my life, etc.) I know it would be best to end contact with my ex-bf because what's been happening is that I'm on a roller coaster where I'm in deep dark place if I don't hear from him for a while or if he says something indifferent or negative about me, and then sort of elated (hypomanic?) when I do hear from him and it's not a bad conversation. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself that I'm so emotionally dependent on hearing from him. I actually reached another low point a couple of weeks ago where I told him I would arrange for other care for my mom, quit my job, move to his place, etc., and now he says he doesn't want me to live with him because he knows I've had depression off and on and he doesn't want to live with a "depressed person" for at least 5 years (that's when his son will be in college). He also said that he wouldn't even want me to stay in his place while looking for an apartment, that I should plan to stay in a motel. I guess the only good thing about the emotional extremes I'm feeling over the relationship ending is that I'm realizing how much of a "love addict" I am (I don't like to use that phrase but it really fits my behaviors and feelings). I am researching the options to get therapy or support for my issues (have had a couple of appointments with therapists I just don't think are a good fit). I'm not giving up. I'm just so alternately exhausted/down and then anxious/desperate that I'm sick of my own self! I'm sorry to go on so long. I don't want to be the person who posts a lot about my issues but doesn't do anything about them until nobody wants to listen any more. I guess I don't do this in my real life with anyone so it's hard to resist the temptation to pour it all out here. Thanks again, Omniel, I thought about your post multiple times every day this week, and at least intermittently was able to convince myself that continuing to throw myself at this guy who doesn't want me is any kind of a solution. Gratitude & a big hug. rg

[Omniel]

OMFG, is he kidding? He doesn't want to live with "a depressed person"? Well maybe you don't want to live with AN ASSHOLE! And to state you would have to stay in a motel while you're looking for a job and a house---fuck him. A total dick.

It's more carrot-moving, do you see it? You actually approach him about finding other care for mom, he hears that as you getting ready to come and now another obstacle is placed--you will have to find and pay for your own place.

You can live by yourself where you are. No need to go across the country to do the same.

There's nothing wrong with you. Nothing. It's him. I'll tell you something else. It's also NORMAL to think you'll just kill yourself when your mom dies. I swear to God that was what I was going to do--I really didn't know what I was good for if she wasn't around anymore. What kept me alive was the fact that I had her dogs to take care of and there was no way I'd kill them or leave them. So that was a reason to get up in the morning after she died.

The only thing that helped me get over the man I was dealing with was 100% detachment and NO CONTACT. None. If he called (and he would--in the past if I didn't call he would call and make sure he'd say something he knew would be upsetting or disturbing to me so he could take up residence in my head again), I wouldn't answer. I deleted his number out of my phone. I WILL NOT AND HAVE NOT GOOGLED HIS NAME or otherwise looked for any information on the internet about him or what he is doing.

It's the only way to evict him from your head. This guy is a Grade A 100% Choice Dingleberry Dickhead and you need to go dark on him 100%. No calling, no answering, no nothing. Anyone who would tell someone who was giving their entire life up to go stay in a motel is an asshole, AND there is something else he's hiding and it can't be good. What cold it be?

Might be in a relationship already. Might be married. Might be a drug addict. Might be gay. Might be out of his mind. The first 2 are the most likely. The last 3 are other reasons why you wouldn't be able to live with him because the mask can only last for so long.

Don't give him a goodbye call or email, just allow crickets to do your communicating with him from now on. Block his number, delete it. He's a toxin. Concentrate on your mother and on getting a decent therapist.

[rivergirl]

Omniel,
Thank you SO much for this reply. I didn't get a chance to write this until today, but phrases from your post have been going through my mind all week and I've found them so validating and comforting. I think my ex is being unreasonable (okay, I think he's being an asshole dickhead!) but I waver and beat myself up about all this being my fault a lot. I didn't do that so much this week after reading your post. Also, I'm not sure anyone who hasn't been a caregiver would get this, but it was even comforting to hear that someone else had those thoughts about suicide after the caregiving is over. Not that I want you or anyone to feel suicidal but having someone understand that feels like such a relief, just knowing that you felt that way but you're still around. It makes me think maybe I can survive this too.

I know that I need to cut off contact with my ex, and while I did take a call from him once this week, I kept it superficial & I didn't initiate any more contact, and ignored an email from him a couple of days ago, something I've probably never done before. I feel like I still just need to find a life preserver (therapist and/or support group) before I let go completely from the one I was holding on to (this toxic relationship/fantasy of being with him). Even though every fucking thing that could go wrong with my mom's health, my health, now even her cat's health!, two of my siblings losing their homes due to their addictions, and so on, seems to have chosen this fall to happen, and is still happening, I'm forcing myself to spend at least 20 minutes or so a day calling therapists to find one who can accommodate my schedule, calling my insurance to check my benefits, etc.

My moods are still a roller coaster and I know 20 minutes from now I could be way down again but I feel a little stronger than I did a week ago. I remember something from one of your earlier posts where you said the guy you were involved with asked you how long you were going to be upset about losing your mom, and that it was some kind of turning point for you. I think the thing about me staying in a motel might have been the turning point for me. It should have come much earlier, like 3 years ago, but at least I'm starting to wake up.

Thank you again, omniel. Huge hug.

rivergirl

[oak]

Rivergirl! You seem like such a sweetheart. I hope you are getting lots of good karma for:

a. Taking care of your mother
b. Being a good sport about romantic disappointment

One thing that helps me when feeling romantic disappointment (which is only days ending in "y") is to pray/send good thoughts to God/the universe for the people I desire romantically. For example, I wish/pray that Ana was here right now. We could be out having sushi right now! We would be having a great time. But she isn't here, so I pray/wish that she is happy, and that she finds love, even if it isn't with me.

Also, I encourage you to reward yourself with a little self-love/self-care. May I suggest you find a few minutes of quiet, by yourself, and enjoy one or more of the following, or some old school quality music of your own choosing:

Patsy Cline
Michael Jackson
Stevie Wonder
Frank Sinatra
The Temptations

All very appropriate for a Saturday night.

Hang in there! I hope you find true love soon.

[Omniel]

Rivergirl--

After the caregiving---I think almost everyone wonders what the hell we'll do when the caregiving is over. I thought "what good am I?" and there was no way I wanted to volunteer at a hospice or anywhere sick people were because I felt pretty traumatized by the whole experience. By the time we were at the nitty gritty end, I found I wanted her to not be sick anymore. Just not be sick and to do that I had to let her go. I actually had some peace about the fact that she wasn't in that sick body anymore, but of course I was grieving her death too. I had a LOT of hours to fill with something, what did I do before I took care of mom? I had to try to remember what I spent time doing before. I do look at it as life before caregiving and life after.

One of my dogs (my mom's dog, actually) lived for another year before he passed away. He saw me through the initial grief and I think he let go when his job was done, because I was okay about mom by then for the most part.

The guy - If you have to talk to him, keeping it superficial is okay. After a while he'll start provoking you so you need to beware of that and if you notice it happening, just say "oh! gotta go!" and hang up quick.

And yes, when my ex asked me how long I planned to "be upset" over mom's death--it was like the sky opened up and the sun was shining on the fact that he was a total asshole and didn't care about me at all.

Stay strong and avoid any toxic conversation!