Homelessness

[snoringdog]

Hello Beany Boo,

Thanks for the update.

Wishing you well, and hope you can return to a feeling of "normalcy" soon!

(32 degrees F here)

SD

[Beany Boo]

Thank you SD,

The lesson I keep learning in life is it’s not the challenge itself. It’s coming off the challenge that is the struggle. That period after you’ve stretched to pass through something and have to summon the energy to recover.

You sorta have to maintain a routine, in the lead up to the challenge, that’s going to continue through to that after-period, so you can level out sufficiently when you get there.

[rivergirl]

Hi Beany,

Thank you for sharing. I don't know why but I keep picturing your story as a graphic novel or an anime film.
I know it isn't just a story, it's your real life, but you describe details in such a vivid way that I can't help but picture them.

I know what you mean about the struggle to recover. Maybe he adrenaline and need to survive carry you through the crisis but then afterward your mind and body have to process the experience. I hope that having routines set up helps you in the recovery period.

Take care and please continue to let us know how you're doing.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

Thank you RG,

If you know me at all then you’ll know that comparing my writing to graphic novels and anime is a great compliment.

The routine is returning and the exhaustion subsiding. Now I’ve just got to stay open to the lessons that are sure to emerge from this.

The question I keep returning to is, what do I want now? It’s less about happiness, than about learning to exercise my will in the present.

Today, my job is to push fluids.

[Beany Boo]

I think the first lesson out of this experience has come.

I’ve been focusing on the question, what do I want?

The answer doesn’t come easy but an awareness has come in, from the side.

I compulsively and relentlessly search for solutions to future, large, difficult problems.

I’ve begun to spend moments not searching for solutions and as a result, feeling a sense of safety and relief.

[oak]

This is all very good. I’m proud of you.

You faced a difficult situation with grace during the hardest time of our lives.

[Beany Boo]

Thanks Oak,

So it’s been a few days of resting. I’ve added stone fruit and matcha to my daily diet for fiber, vitamin C and antioxidants; and flavor.

I’ve started doing a ‘meditation’, although it’s really just 5 minute periods sitting in a state of resting sadness. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I just let it happen without expectation or pushing it anywhere. Time to feel sad is just something I needed a lot of I realize. And not just during this most recent event.

If it’s more than that, I do the tremble. I’m starting to perceive when there’s a build up of fear that needs to be trembled away.

I’ve been focusing on what I want, without really knowing what it is. I ran through all the ‘worst case scenarios’ I’ve perfected for different spheres of my life. I was able to flip them so that they might turn out in a way I’d prefer. It felt like a release of pain. I realized these flipped versions weren’t the same as what I might want for myself. They did harken to the stuff of that want however. I’ll keep listening and trust there’s a process that’s mysterious, with a tipping point I can participate in but don’t control.

[manuel_moe_g]

Beany's thought processes are so deep...

Please take care of yourself, Beany. You are an important part of this message board.

[Beany Boo]

Deep thought; if only I could put it to use

Thanks MM, taking care of myself is working out.

[rivergirl]

I'm glad to hear these customized self-care routines are working for you, Beany.

Not searching for solutions to large future problems sounds like an important step toward equanimity. Maybe letting go of the need to force a solution will allow your psyche to work on the issues in its own way while you're otherwise occupied.

I find the idea that the process is ultimately mysterious although you can participate in it to be comforting somehow.