Homelessness

[Beany Boo]

So I need to move out of my rental in less than a month. That would be manageable usually but things are different now. The rental market is in a crisis, almost no availability. The new owners are moving in so I can’t stay until I find a new place. If I don’t find one, or some other accommodation then I’m facing homelessness. My sister is there for me in a big way although she lives far away. I’ve just got to focus on keeping my job.

I am super scared and this feels like a cliff right now.

It’s funny, I’ve been trying to escape my job for about 5 years. Now it feels like a life raft.

Last night’s sleep was difficult. The fear is difficult to turn away from. But I managed to drift off if I focused on feeling it in my face (not just ‘hiding’ it in my gut). There’s something about it showing on your face that evaporates it. It’s not a particular facial expression, it’s just on the surface.

When I did drift off my dreams were surprisingly reassuring somehow.

Anyway I feel like I can be completely honest with you guys. There’s a chance that this will turn out fine. I know that if it all falls apart though, well, I know I can let it, emotionally.

Today’s task is to switch to a day by day proposition in my head. That will involve managing my breathing especially through the hurt. Sleep will be the next priority, for many nights.

Anyway, I feel very humbled. While it was always on the horizon, this is the closest I’ve come to homelessness myself. Regardless of my individual circumstances I feel like this is a sign of the times and not a fault of mine. That takes some of the pressure off.

I’ve tried to hold off talking about myself in the past, to focus on helping you all. Now I feel like I need to use every resource I have to pass through this.

I would ask that you not send solutions unless I invite them, or they’re from lived experience, as otherwise they might stress me out unnecessarily, and I have a thimbleful of time and energy right now. Emotional support is definitely welcome.

Thank you so much.

[manuel_moe_g]

I would ask that you not send solutions unless I invite them, or they’re from lived experience, as otherwise they might stress me out unnecessarily, and I have a thimbleful of time and energy right now.

You are so wise.

But I managed to drift off if I focused on feeling it in my face (not just ‘hiding’ it in my gut).

You are skillfully managing pain inside your body. I admire your skill.

Today’s task is to switch to a day by day proposition in my head. That will involve managing my breathing especially through the hurt.

Again, the skillful management of pain and focus.

Emotional support is definitely welcome.

Yes. You have it.

[brownblob]

Beany,
I can only repeat what Manuel said. You are so wise. You are very respected and valued on this board.
It is okay to be afraid and you are doing an amazing job managing it.
I can do nothing but hear you and send positive vibes in your general direction.

[oak]

Thanks for sharing. I’m glad you did. We are only as sick as our secrets, so you are all the healthier for getting it all out.

I sometimes wonder if our dreaming selves are the real us. I believe they are the more powerful than our waking, conscious, cognizant selves.

Which is a long way of saying to trust that dreaming self of yours.

Having been in the same situation in 2006, 2008, and 2012 here is what will be the extent of my advice: trust that dreaming self of yours, and take it easy on yourself the next few days. Your psyche, which speaks through dreams, knows what is what.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you all for your replies.

I’ve been in shock I realize since I got the news. Seeing your posts during that time gave me something real and steady.

I’ve told a number of people and they’ve all been more supportive than I expected.

I slept early and better last night.

I did an impromptu exercise this morning to try and externalize the fear.

I laid down and felt the fear rise to my face and just take whatever expression it did (it was not what I expected). My lip sort of curled, my eyes closed very tightly and my forehead tensed. Then I felt where the pained fear was in my body. Then I let it feel as uncomfortable as it was. Then I began to tremble. There were moments where it was involuntary and others where I just shook manually, gently and rapidly, different areas of my body. I kept doing that until it didn’t feel needed anymore. It might have been 5, 10 or 15 minutes. My breaths became longer and I just shook my chest with my hand with long, quick little shakes. It felt a bit like patting a baby while they’re settling down after crying. At the same time I began saying, “something bad happened” sort of rhythmically whenever my mind needed to make sense of the experience. It gave me a new frame of reference on what happened 2 days ago. It also allowed me to reframed bad things that happened previously in my life. It also allowed me to attribute what I was experiencing to those bad things and shift my focus from the difficulty ahead.

It allowed me to see I’d been given a shock. I’ll probably have further ones coming up but I might be able to process those with this technique.

[oak]

Wow! Profound.

My two cents: you have experienced a lot this week. Feel free to give yourself the weekend “off” from anxiety.

[manuel_moe_g]

I laid down and felt the fear rise to my face and just take whatever expression it did (it was not what I expected). My lip sort of curled, my eyes closed very tightly and my forehead tensed. Then I felt where the pained fear was in my body. Then I let it feel as uncomfortable as it was. Then I began to tremble. There were moments where it was involuntary and others where I just shook manually, gently and rapidly, different areas of my body. I kept doing that until it didn’t feel needed anymore. It might have been 5, 10 or 15 minutes. My breaths became longer and I just shook my chest with my hand with long, quick little shakes. It felt a bit like patting a baby while they’re settling down after crying. At the same time I began saying, “something bad happened” sort of rhythmically whenever my mind needed to make sense of the experience. It gave me a new frame of reference on what happened 2 days ago. It also allowed me to reframed bad things that happened previously in my life. It also allowed me to attribute what I was experiencing to those bad things and shift my focus from the difficulty ahead.

I am envious of your ability to manage and manipulate trauma in your body. Well done.

We are all here for you.

[snoringdog]

Hello Beany,

I'm sorry that you're facing such personal uncertainty in these such uncertain times!
Gut-wrenching, literally...

One thing that's hopeful, but so easy to forget or ignore -
I’ve told a number of people and they’ve all been more supportive than I expected.

People care and want to help.

Keep us posted.

SD

[rivergirl]

Hi Beany,

I care and am thinking about you.

I think any technique to process the shock and fear and externalize it that works for you is good. For me sometimes breathing into the place of fear in my body (often my abdominal area) helps to ease the level of distress.

Something I heard last week on an anxiety podcast is that when your body is anxious and fearful, it is doing exactly what it is supposed to do/evolved to do to protect you from danger. I'm not sure if that helps you at all. It helped me a little bit to think of my body that way, and tell it that I understand it is just doing the job it was designed to do.

Please keep posting if it helps at all, and let us know how you're doing.

rivergirl

[Beany Boo]

Thank you all. Asking for support is relatively new to me so your replies are kinda overwhelming; in the best way.

Just reporting in.

I took Oak’s advice and took the weekend off. I talked it through with my family (of origin) over Zoom. I saw a movie I’d already been planning to see. It felt good to follow through on that. I used each day to deal with the part of the problem I could see that day but it was minimal. I was aware that I was working really, really hard in my head to position myself in a healthy way and that packing or searching would come; just not this weekend.

My trembling exercise worked gangbusters. I’ve never been able to treat serious anxious energy head on like that and get an immediate result. I know it’s based on this theory that mammals tremble in fear after facing danger to release that fear immediately. I heard a podcast about it which I spent some time trying to find yesterday. And there’s something called Trauma Release Exercises TRE? I don’t know a lot about it.

Anyway I don’t even know if I did ‘it’ correctly but I spent the rest of the day in a relatively calm state; although I was quite emotional, tear-y, just not overly stressed or anxious.

I had another go this morning. The effects weren’t quite as dramatic but maybe I had less tension in me. I definitely feel the weight of the current reality? I’m just not in fight or flight mode about it. And I’m usually in passive fight or flight about most things so... I dunno.

Anyway, I still face an uncertain future but this has been a real breakthrough for me. It’s so weird to enjoy simple, unhindered thoughts(?) in the midst of a difficult future.

All that said, experience tells me to be cautious. Stuff wears off. It’s just nice to more or less have a weekend off from my current trajectory but even more so, away from constant paranoia and catastrophizing.