Homelessness

[Beany Boo]

Another day.

Woke up a bit fight/flight-y. I spent 10 minutes shaking, periodically. It worked a treat.

My perseverating phrase is, “I’m not going to make it.” After shaking and in a state of relative calm, I decided I didn’t know what making it meant. My mind accepted this, this time. Shortly after my subconscious replaced it with a new phrase which is actually satisfying to say, “what do I want?”

I made a point of hydrating.

Zoomed with my mother and sister. We got into the logistics of my move. They were attentive and supportive. My sister stayed behind and got into some of my issues. Again she was supportive.

I did some cleaning and packing and then went shopping. As I walked I did my favorite breathing exercise, just randomly to comfort myself: emphasizing the out-breath through pursed lips and just letting my lungs fill slowly and naturally.

I did a good to-do list for the next few days and shuffled the tasks around to the right day. It feels a bit like walking across a glacier that’s breaking up. I’m still managing to tolerate a greater level of uncertainty though.

Now I’m relaxing among my full boxes and splitting my time between cleaning and listening to podcasts.

What do I want?

[Beany Boo]

Another day.

Woke up at 1am. I had some plans change on me yesterday. Didn’t know if I even knew how to fix them until start of business this morning. I did some shaking at 4am and that did the trick. Got a moment of deep sleep. I learnt how and fixed the plans.

The rest of the day went surprisingly okay. I experience my capacity to cope in chaotic circumstances as disconcerting. It’s not coming from a conscious place.

I managed some finicky packing and also, vacuumed and mopped. I scanned the internet for prepping white goods for transport.

I nearly bought an old Jason Bourne DVD for a dollar at the library. It felt like too big a decision. I walked away.

The people at the Ramen store gave me my takeaway and cried, “Happy New Year!” in unison. The Japanese lady behind the counter has let her grey hair grow out since I was last there. It’s beautiful.

I bought food at the supermarket for one more day.

I seemed to have leveled up in the use of email (which brings me up to par with the general population) and to-do lists.

I’m hanging on to a daily routine like it’s a life preserver in a storm.

Evening, interior, quiet

[oak]

BeanyBoo, exhaustion and life-grief prevent me from writing too much, but let me say this:

You are doing very well. Everything you write, no matter how difficult this situation has been, points to the fact that you are really making this experience your own. Still, it is a big life crisis in a major society-wide crisis, so remember that your situation is serious. So keep taking good action, and remember that you are successfully threading a needle during an extremely difficult time.

Keep posting.

[Beany Boo]

Thank you Oak,

That’s solid encouragement. I’m definitely feeling the larger moment in everything I experience. I also like that metaphor of threading the needle. It reminds me of skateboarding.

Also, you don’t have to write a lot or at all. Save it for when you can.

[Beany Boo]

Another day.

Did some stuff that would have scared me previously. Maintenance type tasks. But I felt confident and just stayed calm and got through them surprisingly well.

Turned off and disconnected everything so now there’s just the lights and the AC. It feels like camping at the base of a hill of boxes.

I don’t have a car so I took the train to get a few final boxes and some lunch.

The packing has turned into a fun puzzle. I also threw a bunch of stuff out. I’m not a hoarder but I realized there was a lot of things I hadn’t used in the 3 years I’ve been here. I didn’t want to drag them to another place.

It was a sweet feeling putting the final thing in a box.

With no refrigeration I went down to the store and got something for the evening meal.

Now I have to take out the trash for collection one last time.

Evening

[manuel_moe_g]

Thinking of you Beany, wishing you the best.

[oak]

Agreed with Manuel Moe.

You are doing really well.

I’m excited to see how this turns out. Please do keep us updated. The details are exciting.

[Beany Boo]

Another day.

Fridge is disconnected so I went early to the cafe near the train station and got breakfast.

Then my sister called and we had a good chat.

Then my landlord came around 9:30 and picked up his stuff and fixed a light.

All the time I’m doing little packing and cleaning tasks without even thinking. And updating my to do list.

Then I went to the city and ran some errands and got an early lunch. I also got some fruit and water.

Then I went home. I updated my to do list on the train.

Then the carpet cleaner came. He was uncommon friendly and easy to talk with.

Then I crossed the neighborhood with some laundry. I nearly bought the Jason Bourne DVD when I realized it was too scratched up to be worth it.

Then I went to the ramen shop and got a bottle of tea and a vanilla cream mochi ball.

Then I found the laundromat. I couldn’t work out which button was the cold cycle, and chose warm by accident.

Then I got an early dinner from the ramen shop.

When I got home I just kept ploughing through the cleaning and packing tasks while I ate dinner.

Then I went to Pilates. It felt like golfing on the moon, doing an exercise class in the midst of this. It also felt amazing like tightrope walking to do it in that context.

I went home around twilight. It’s very hot right now here. I kept cleaning and packing. It seemed to take on a momentousness; like this is the most important thing I’ve done for myself.

It’s 11pm now. Everything is packed. Everything is clean. The removalists come at 7am. Then one last mop. Then I wheel my suitcase over to the realtor and hand over my keys and gate remote.

I don’t move into my new place for a week. So I will be technically homeless for that time but not in the way I feared when this began. I’ll stay with my mother in the country for the duration.

Now I’m going to have two nectarines.

[manuel_moe_g]

Then I went to Pilates. It felt like golfing on the moon, doing an exercise class in the midst of this. It also felt amazing like tightrope walking to do it in that context.

Fantastic stuff, so proud of you how you are handling this difficult situation.

All the best, good luck, cheers!

[Beany Boo]

Another 2 days.

Got up at 6am. Wrapped my bed in plastic.

Movers arrived 7am. Couldn’t fit through gate. We pressed on. Surprisingly stress free.

Movers left. I swept and mopped myself out of the apartment and locked the door.

Then I walked ten minutes to the realtor and handed over the keys. The manager appeared and thanked me for being a model tenant.

I caught the bus from there to work. I went to my locker to put my ukulele in. My stuff had gone into storage for a week. The locker was the only place I felt was safe for this fragile piece. My swipe card didn’t work. I called security. They came and reset the locker access. I stored my ukulele.

I caught the bus to a hotel and checked in. I showered and went into town for lunch. I did some shopping. I notice a spot on my forehead that looked odd. I booked an appointment with my doctor, nearby. I bought an ice cream and then went to the art museum. Then I arrive at the doctor’s. He saw me early. He said it was fine.

I went back to the hotel and got ready for Pilates. I caught the bus and train across town and did Pilates.

Then I went to the city and had takeout for dinner in my sweaty clothes. Back on the bus to the hotel.

I woke and checked out of the hotel. I caught a bus to the bus station and had breakfast.

Then I caught a train south for an hour. I read a newspaper. Then another hour south by coach to my mother’s place.

We had Japanese, saw a movie and bought some groceries and went home. I fell asleep in front of the TV.

I woke up and went to bed.

I’m spent. Rest for now. Maybe 2 days away from feeling human again.

It’s 104 degrees Fahrenheit.