Money, or How I learned to stop worrying and love being broke

[Beany Boo]

Definitely.

Finding the right… shaped… work for them (the monsters) is one place to start.

I only say that to reflect my own approach; which is a work-in-progress.

Please continue

[oak]

RIT! Hello. You are definitely not alone.

Some thoughts to offer, if I may:

1. With few better options, I got sucked into the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University world 1.5 years before I got sober. While it does have some (okay, lots) of good points, it is liberally sprinkled with the fundamentalist shaming you mention.

2. Though I’d recommend it anyway, if you haven’t seen “ The Queen’s Gambit”, I encourage you to watch it.

(Spoiler alert if you haven’t seen it, though just by looking at the promotional materials it is made clear.)

The poor unwanted orphan girl has dorky hair and worse clothes. They manage to make Anya Taylor Joy, one of the great beauties of our day, completely frumpy.

This is everywhere in our culture, including all the recent corny Netflix movies I love: He’s All That, Afterlife of the Party, All Together Now, and Hallmark’s charming and ridiculous “Eat, Play, Love” (yes, it is about playing with dogs).

Add some hair, makeup, and clothes to any plain Jane and voilà!

This is everywhere in our culture.

Which is just a long way of saying that you are not alone in (sincerely) being in awe of the power of makeovers.

(This doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but one of my favorite moments from that excellent series is when she returns to her high school a few years later, all strung out. Her badly-askew makeup is shorthand for “a mess”. Such an amazing series!)

[RightInTwo]

OMG, f**k Dave Ramsey and his grift, targeting financially vulnerable people who don’t have money to spare. That goes double for that other one, the female version of him (forget her name atm) who scathingly shames everyone with her advice.

I also paid for his stupid “financial university” scheme, and attended maybe half the meetings before realizing that almost none of it would ever apply to me. Married or not, I have never shared a bank account with anybody, and I already habitually avoid debt as much as possible. Plus I’m not religious, so IDGAF what the bible says about money. And, envelopes? Really?? That’s the big “solution”??? How tf is that going to work when everybody uses debit cards for everything? Where’s the solution for that???

…

Wow, you really nailed the other piece of the picture too.

My first day of high school (For context, when/where I grew up, high school was your last three years of school. It was a whole separate school, with a lot more students.) I remember now as if it were yesterday. Levi jeans were an absolute MUST. I somehow knew that ahead of time, and my mom had taken me shopping for school clothes (she did indulge my needs and some wants a couple times a year during my teens) so I showed up for my first day wearing my new Levi’s, a white button down safari-type shirt with black buttons, and black suede ankle boots. As I got dressed, I felt like a million bucks.

However, my fashion radar was faulty. I got the general style right, but I missed the memo about what to do with the excess length of the jeans. You see, unless you were 6 1/2 feet tall, Levi’s were always extra long, and there were very specific unspoken rules about how to deal with that feature. I had rolled/folded them up from the bottom, which was *****wrong!!!*****. I can still hear the laughter and ridicule. I looked around, and everyone else had theirs scrunched up.

From that point on, I never made a single fashion mistake.

The “ugly duckling” transformation narrative was an extremely influential part of forming my core personality from years prior to high school. I have dredged up memories of the transition from child to pre-teen, and I have concluded that in the time before self-awareness kicked in, (there are photos that support this theory) I must have looked like a neglected kid, and kids at school were vicious and cruel. But once the lightbulb went on, and I started taking care of my appearance, that changed everything. Nothing would ever be more important to me than my appearance.

So, yeah. You get it! You see me!!!

[rivergirl]

Hey RightinTwo,

I agree with your Dave Ramsay rant 1000% after being pressured about following his methods for the past five years by someone I shouldn't have allowed back into my life (my first boyfriend). Your post was literally making me lol. "so IDGAF what the bible says" ... may I borrow this for dealing with this particular ex and my fundamentalist relatives?

"Nothing would ever be more important to me than my appearance." -- sadly, this was and is me to this day. It's why aging terrifies me, because being considered hot when I was between the ages of about 13 to 40 was the one thing that I thought kept me safe somehow. It didn't, of course, but letting go of that version of myself is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It sounds so shallow but if I had to pick one thing that fuels my suicidal ideation the most, it's the relative invisibility that comes with being a woman over the age of 50 or so.

Anyway, your post made me inexplicably happy. Maybe I felt seen too.

rg

[RightInTwo]

"Nothing would ever be more important to me than my appearance." -- sadly, this was and is me to this day. It's why aging terrifies me, because being considered hot when I was between the ages of about 13 to 40 was the one thing that I thought kept me safe somehow. It didn't, of course, but letting go of that version of myself is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It sounds so shallow but if I had to pick one thing that fuels my suicidal ideation the most, it's the relative invisibility that comes with being a woman over the age of 50 or so.

Omg, rg!! ((((hugs))) We must have been separated at birth!!!

If I had money, I’d be constantly getting botox, fillers, and plastic surgery. It’s killing me to see signs of aging, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I deal with occasional (but recurring) suicidal ideation too, but for me it’s more because of unemployment, money, and identity, but seeing age catching up with me certainly does NOT help.

That being said, it is supremely comforting to just be able to sit here with you, my friend, in the “shallow” end of the pool. Big fancy hats, sunglasses, and margaritas! Cheers!

[rivergirl]

RIT,

I logged on to delete my reply since it seemed like I was just talking about myself rather than responding to your post, but after reading your response I'll leave it up and hang out with you in the pool. Cheers!

I've recently started doing online dating and it's both giving me hope that so many guys are interested, but also leading me to despair because it brings up all of my insecurities, and I'm also afraid that I'm not going to find someone where the feelings are mutual.

"If I had money, I’d be constantly getting botox, fillers, and plastic surgery. It’s killing me to see signs of aging, and there’s nothing I can do about it."
I spent about $7000 on invisalign in my mid-50s before realizing that my one crooked tooth wasn't even noticeable to most people. Have recently started getting expensive facials, hair colored & highlighted every 3 weeks, nails done, etc. when I should really be putting the money into my retirement fund.

Sigh, let's just sip our margaritas. Hugs back!!!

rg