Irrationalpersist,
Your post took my breath away. In the deepest, most secret place of me I can admit that my husband doesn't want to be married to me. Yet I keep pushing it down and away from me. And then you simply stated it, gathering all the facts that I provided into a logical conclusion. And my heart stopped.
When I think of the fact that my husband no longer wants me, my brain immediates takes me to "how can I fix this?" Of course, I recognize that that is useless and unhealthy, and I go there anyway. I think of all the things I have and haven't done and I ache for my inadequacies. Moments later, I recognize that I truly, honestly, with all my heart tried my very best, and I hate myself even more - because my best wasn't enough. I am not enough.
And I'm angry because it is my life that is ruined, not his. He gets everything he wants, no wife and no child. Yet he's taking none of the risk - he could father a child a decade from now, should he change his mind.
I know that I am just dipping a toe into the pain I'm about to be submerged in, and I already can't stand it. I do not believe I can live through the process. I don't want to live through it. In all my life, I have never experienced a moment so beautiful that it was worth the pain of life. Shit, I know that's a terrible thing to say, and trust me I am mentally beating myself for it, but it's true. It doesn't matter what's on the other side of this, it's not worth going through it.
I Will Never Be A Mother
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irrationalpersist
- Posts: 40
- Joined: June 19th, 2014, 4:19 pm
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Re: I Will Never Be A Mother
What your brain is telling you right now is a form of self-protection but it is a false construct of the possibilities that lay ahead. There is absolutely no way you can know what the future holds. Your interpretation of the past, right now, is being run through that same filter, a distorted view of yourself in the world that puts all the pressure and blame on you.
You did your best. Period. It isn't that your best was not good enough, it is that your best was not the right fit with your husband. If you both wanted the same things, your best would have been perfect. In that you both didn't want the same things, there is no way you could ever manifest a 'best' that was going to change the outcome.
The pain is real, and it is survivable. In fact, surviving this pain is going to lead you to a new life, a life where you see yourself as belonging, loved, secure, empowered, treated with respect, with realistic expectations of yourself. People are good, and we are treated justly. The pain you are feeling is grief for the loss of your imagined future of making a family with your husband. Your grief is for the loss of the security of 'belonging' to someone and someone 'belonging' to you. However, given your husband's admission, it is possible that that sense of belonging has actually not been active for some time.
I would argue that your husband has been manipulative, dishonest and a coward. I would not predict a happy outcome for his long term relationship health, and I certainly hope he does not father any children in the future, as they will also suffer, just as you are suffering now. If he can't see the immense harm that his self-centredness has caused in your relationship with him, you are well rid of him.
Pain is our greenhouse for emotional growth. Whatever kept you tied to a relationship that had become this distant, and still you kept your faint hope that it would turn around if you only 'tried harder' to make it work, that is your garden to weed, turn the soil, add nutrients and replant. I speak from experience on this. Tying ourselves to withholding people is a character defect we bring to the relationship. And it is a bloody tough fight to change it inside ourselves. This is not to blame ourselves for the situations we find ourselves in. Rather, it is an opportunity to examine the information our situation is providing us, to learn what beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours we are blind to, in ourselves, that need psychological repair.
It sounds like you are going to have a tough day. Find a friend and go for coffee. Or just sit yourself in a coffee shop and allow the bustle of other people's lives provide a cushion. Get support for your journey through these life changes. I guarantee you will come out stronger and more in love with yourself than you thought possible.
I write this addressed to you, but I also write it addressed to me. I am struggling with realizing that my entire extended family feels alien to me, and I have no means, right now, to attempt to repair the distance. That said, none of them are attempting to repair the distance with me, so I must turn my attention to relationships that are mutually supportive rather than one way and draining of my life force.
Many hugs to you YLC2525. Now is not the time to make decisions. Now is the time to feel the feelings and know that they will change, even if all you do is sit and listen to the breeze rustling tree leaves.
Love,
IP
You did your best. Period. It isn't that your best was not good enough, it is that your best was not the right fit with your husband. If you both wanted the same things, your best would have been perfect. In that you both didn't want the same things, there is no way you could ever manifest a 'best' that was going to change the outcome.
The pain is real, and it is survivable. In fact, surviving this pain is going to lead you to a new life, a life where you see yourself as belonging, loved, secure, empowered, treated with respect, with realistic expectations of yourself. People are good, and we are treated justly. The pain you are feeling is grief for the loss of your imagined future of making a family with your husband. Your grief is for the loss of the security of 'belonging' to someone and someone 'belonging' to you. However, given your husband's admission, it is possible that that sense of belonging has actually not been active for some time.
I would argue that your husband has been manipulative, dishonest and a coward. I would not predict a happy outcome for his long term relationship health, and I certainly hope he does not father any children in the future, as they will also suffer, just as you are suffering now. If he can't see the immense harm that his self-centredness has caused in your relationship with him, you are well rid of him.
Pain is our greenhouse for emotional growth. Whatever kept you tied to a relationship that had become this distant, and still you kept your faint hope that it would turn around if you only 'tried harder' to make it work, that is your garden to weed, turn the soil, add nutrients and replant. I speak from experience on this. Tying ourselves to withholding people is a character defect we bring to the relationship. And it is a bloody tough fight to change it inside ourselves. This is not to blame ourselves for the situations we find ourselves in. Rather, it is an opportunity to examine the information our situation is providing us, to learn what beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours we are blind to, in ourselves, that need psychological repair.
It sounds like you are going to have a tough day. Find a friend and go for coffee. Or just sit yourself in a coffee shop and allow the bustle of other people's lives provide a cushion. Get support for your journey through these life changes. I guarantee you will come out stronger and more in love with yourself than you thought possible.
I write this addressed to you, but I also write it addressed to me. I am struggling with realizing that my entire extended family feels alien to me, and I have no means, right now, to attempt to repair the distance. That said, none of them are attempting to repair the distance with me, so I must turn my attention to relationships that are mutually supportive rather than one way and draining of my life force.
Many hugs to you YLC2525. Now is not the time to make decisions. Now is the time to feel the feelings and know that they will change, even if all you do is sit and listen to the breeze rustling tree leaves.
Love,
IP
