Dreaming about having affairs with married men

[Sherlock]

This is a total, "WELL, OKAY, FUCKED UP BRAIN" kind of post. I don't take it TOO seriously cuz I do have a lot of sexual-type dreams and...

Well I guess I feel a LITTLE guilty at the pleasure I got from these dreams?

To try to summarize: I had repeating dreams last night of my favorite band, Muse, being opened by local bands I knew. This part of the dream of course is ~AWESOME~.

What ends up happening though is I got up real close to the band, and the bassist for Muse, who has about a dozen fucking kids with the same woman, something I'm aware of in waking life and in this dream, starts making out with me.

It's AWESOME. Chris isn't my favorite band member but he's a cutie. It was more so like feeling wanted in that very primal, "one time thing" kind of way--like "let's go somewhere and do more."

It was interrupted though, I think because I mentioned his wife or looked over to the seemingly perpetually single drummer (all of Muse are cute to me) or Matt Bellamy or something--Matt being my favorite--and kind of want a piece of them, too.

And then Dom and Matt kiss on stage and announce they're gay and their eternal love for each other.

At this point my dream turns EUPHORIC. It's like a massive celebration--all of my friends are like "FUCK YEAH" and I'm... well, I know some people don't like real-life-people fanfiction, but I haven't been able to help myself with Dom and Matt. It's not something I took very seriously especially when Matt consistently has girlfriends--like, I'd never read a fanfic where they really bashed the real girlfriend of Matt at the time. It'd always be alternate universe things.

But when I was manic/psychotic, I was convinced there was a cover-up based on their songs. So my reaction in the dream was "I WAS RIGHT! OH MY GOD THIS IS GLORIOUS." I was SO fucking happy.

And then it was like "Wait were they being serious???" and then learning a whole bunch of people lashed out because they're supposed to be this band about rebellion and freedom and they were hiding this or something, or people were just anti-gay in general.

So in the next dream, Muse comes back, and I'm a little more doubtful this time as to whether I was imagining things or not. Also I got into a fight with my mom in the dream that luckily I don't remember much of, but it had something to do with how happy I was about them being open about their relationship--at some point I scream, "I'M GAY, MOM!" but then, realizing my anger within the dream (kind of weird), I qualify it with, "BISEXUAL!" Remember I had just made out with Chris at still kind of wanted to.

Also while I'm trying to hook up with Chris while the chaos is going on, I have total self-consciousness about my body-hair--mainly pubic and what I'd like to call "troll hairs" on my stomach. I didn't give a shit about my leg hair as much but if I wanted to sleep with Chris I didn't want to be too hairy in more sensitive areas. Kind of made the whole thing in the dream NOT happen or not go to its full fruition as it were.

THIS TIME, I start making out with a guy who's in my local music scene who's married. I was only a little attracted to him as a teenager and it's totally changed now--he seems like an old dude to me (really, both he and Chris are old dudes compared to me). As we're sort of just... not really making out but I have my legs wrapped around his torso and I feel wet and he's holding onto my butt, he keeps telling me how he's always wanted this since we first met (when I was a TEENAGER) and I call him a perv.

Again, it comes to nothing, cuz I'm still trying to shave those parts of myself I don't want him to see and I lose track of him. Next time he sees me he says he wished he'd asked for my number, but his wife is nearby so we can't do shit.

It's all just kind of weird. Like it was revealing a part of myself I wish kind of existed where I could have casual sex with people with no repercussions, just to experience being wanted--attractive and attainable. Not even necessarily used since the two guys were so cool about it... and not feeling bad that they were cheating on their wives, so I had to wake up to the weirdness and the guilt rather than experience it in a dream.

Also the whole gay thing with Muse ended up being a weird trick that dreams do to you where Matt was actually kissing his wife and not Dom? Either way it was... well, honestly, super hot, when I thought it was just them, just because it wasn't a kiss you just jump into--it was like their faces kind of waved around each other before Matt went in for the kill. Also Dom told me Matt screwed him and it was like I was just winning even if I didn't have sexual escapades.

Sorry if this makes anyone REALLY uncomfortable since it's TMI. It was just so fucking weird I felt he need to share it and to write it down. It was actually a very complex dream that had places and other people related to it that were interesting (like I suddenly had a relative who ran a rehab clinic that involved a lot of obstacle courses IN the house itself, and that's where I was staying when all these concerts were happening).

I guess I probably didn't have full sexual acts with these guys since I'm still a virgin and my mind can't really imagine it happening? Like I can't remember the sensations of being made out with--just that it happened and I was kind of now latched onto Chris for a while.

Very bizarre. Kind of fun but I'm going to just not feel guilty about it, cuz my morals are that sleeping with a married person who is totally monogamous really hurts the wife--or just sleeping with anyone who is monogamously committed to anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone just for a fling, so it's better it just happens in a dream... even though I don't have desires to do that, anyway. Maybe just unconscious things, like you're attracted to someone but just don't go further than that.

Again, sorry if some of it was TMI or uber strange. Just the first time in a while I had a dream that really made me pause and go "but why?"