Blissful dreams about dying

[ghughes1980]

lately (the past month or so) I've been having short dreams about contracting cancer or some sort of related disease that spreads very fast and they are very calming. It's frankly nice to be dreaming at all so the subject matter really doesn't bother me much but it is a bit odd to jump from one extreme to another. (Not sleeping so hence not dreaming to sleeping for short periods and dreaming about snuffing it.)

I know this is related to actually getting more sleep and not really the dreams particularly but when I awake I'm way more physically relaxed which is nice. It would be interesting if the relaxed state was related to the substance of the dream but I doubt it. This morning's mini dream (about an hour I had just finished today's MIHH) was about a tumor the size of maybe a apricot or a plum under my ventricular shunt (specific no? it's amazing what you can remember from a dream) being removed then shown to me. Looking to my right and seeing an East Indian lady on some sort of machine to do with her blood, she was frantic because her blood was blue. I told her it was just fine, that the machine was filtering and she'd be ok. Then walking out of the hospital and back to some familiar building feeling a bit of panic about something to do with sensations in my limbs. Feeling a bit hot and just fading into nothing it felt pretty calming I have to say.

Feeling even the tiny bit relaxed without the use of medication is pretty awesome what is sort of worrying is that thing that Paul refers to a couple times the narcotic of sleep. I am reminded of the season 4 finale of House MD where he contemplated not coming back from death because in death he just didn't hurt anymore. (A bit existential I know but hey I don't care.)

[manuel_moe_g]

My constant anxiety makes me relate well. For me, I remind myself that death is not compatible with accomplishment and responsibility. But no denying it, the cessation of pain and anxiety will be nice.

Please take care ghughes1980, you have a lot of challenges that I would be unqualified to try to help. I am glad you have started counselling again. All the best to you.