Compulsive Gambling

[Arkay]

A month ago, six weeks shy of their 40th wedding anniversary, my mom left my dad. My dad has been a gambler for most of his life (horse races mostly), a serious compulsive gambler for at least 10 years. The problems in my parents' marriage radiated out from there, assisted by my mom's pathological codependence and enabling. I suppose she just reached her breaking point, at the age of 73, but as far as I can tell left without any explanation or attempt at communicating honestly with my dad. He does not recognize his gambling as a problem, and a recent (very) large win threw gasoline on an already hot fire.

My mom took off for what was supposed to be two months but my dad, being the impulsive, reactive person he is put their home on the market just a few days after her departure. She filed for divorce about a week or two after that (no one has told be the specific timeline). I am angry at my dad for being so impulsive, I am angry at my mom for telling me that she didn't want to sell the house, but then going along with the sale anyway. I hate that my dad does not have the self-awareness to understand what would drive her away, and I hate that my mom hired a family friend of 40 years as her divorce attorney without any attempt at reconciliation. My parents are blow-torching their life by doubling-down on each other. These are not the intelligent, caring parents I know. I don't know who these people are. Although I am 38 years old, I feel totally devastated that my parents did not think their life together was worth fighting for. My foundation has been ripped from under me and I don't know how to deal with the complex feelings of grief I am having.

As for confronting the compulsive gambling, I have been attending Gam-Anon meetings for a month now, and trying to disentangle what I should be doing from what I need to let go of (which is most of the things). My dad no longer has the support of a life partner, and I fear what will happen when his rock-bottom arrives. Losing his wife is not enough of a bottom for him. I am the oldest sibling and the more stable of the two of us kids in general, and I feel the burden of holding the family together. I somehow feel responsible for my dad now, who in addition to being addicted to gambling, also lives with a serious autoimmune disease.

I feel so much shame that this is happening to my family. I don't feel like I can tell any of my friends that this is happening. My husband has been very supportive and loving, but I am keeping this terrible secret otherwise to myself and the burden is so heavy. I am hiding my heartbreak from everyone. I have been trying to cultivate a closer relationship with my brother (who lives several states away), but he is also going through is own grieving process and does not share much with me. I had hoped that writing this out here would help take a little of that burden off, and maybe illuminate something about this devastating addiction.

I am flying back to my hometown at the end of next week to pack up the remaining childhood belongings I have been storing at their house, which has already sold and needs to be cleared out. My dad's living situation is still undetermined, but I know he does not have enough credit to get a mortgage on his own. He has a short-term plan to stay with relatives, but I do not believe that is sustainable. I have been feeling relentless anxiety about this trip home. I cannot imagine the sorrow that awaits me when I arrive there.

If anyone out there has experience with compulsive gambling, I would be interested in communicating with you. Thanks for reading.

-Arkay

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for sharing. I am really glad you used your words and your voice to express yourself! Well done.

First up, I am very sorry to hear about the end of your parents' marriage. Yes, that is something to grieve. "Grieve" is the correct word.

Also, I'm 38 also! Things can get real in one's thirties! I had no idea

Seeing as how serious your father's situation is, and it is very serious, I hope you'll forgive me for speaking bluntly below. The time for manners and feelings has passed.

I have zero experience with compulsive gambling. I do have experience, having previously identified as "a compulsive debtor" (ie Debtors Anonymous, which is awesome!) with where your dad is headed.

In the end, as I see it, going broke is the same whether one has too little coming in (ie, underearning which was my bete noire) or too much going out (ie over-spending). I may be wrong, but I see gambling as just another way of saying spending too much.

None of that semantic difference means a hill of beans because the end is the same: homelessness, day late dollar short, and generally broke busted and disgusted. Been there all myself.

Tough love time:

If your dad is anything like me and the people I know, he will downward spiral, starting with the housing situation. Staying with relatives can be long term, but usually isn't. Then there will the familiar problems paying the cell phone, then car insurance, then food. His situation is likely to get bad.

The following is unsexy, but if I could get through to your father I'd tell him about budgets. Cash flow.

Sadly, compulsive gamblers/spenders are always waiting for The Big Fix. That one "hot tip" at the ponies, the right spin of the slot machine. Even if the Big Fix does come, which it usually doesn't, it just prolongs The Wheels Falling Off.

And for your father The Wheels are about To Fall Off.

As far as advice, the best I can do is to make chicken salad advice out of a chicken poop situation.

Definitely, absolutely stick real close to your Gamanon friends. Bookend. Script. ie, call them before and after a stressful situation.

Make sure that your own finances are in order, and I suggest you don't lend him money. Stick real close with your husband.

If I could wave a magic wand, I'd get him in GA, Debtors Anonymous, and Dave Ramsey's FPU. He has to be a grownup. Grown men take care of their finances.

Like I said, sound advice that he will probably not take.

But!

People get healed from financial trouble all the time. Personally, I was real low for a long time. Today things are a little better. I am no better or worse than your father, so if it could happen to me, it can happen to him.

Your father needs your love. He doesn't need your money. He'll say he needs it, but he doesn't. He needs some healing. And better choices.

[Arkay]

Oak, thank you so very much for your reply today. In my better moments, I reflect on how this whole awful situation is going to serve to make me a better person in the long run. Today I just feel sad, and your understanding words were comforting to me.

I am working out what my boundaries are with him and putting them in writing so they are both totally clear with me and my husband. Definitely not giving money or cosigning loans. I think I just have to buckle in and wait for the spiral and let him feel the consequences. It's a scary prospect, but protecting myself and my husband is top priority.

[oak]

Very good! It sounds like you are on your way. Hang in there.

A final thought to consider: prepare what you will say beforehand when he almost inevitability comes to ask you for money/a loan. Writing it out is awesome. Talk with your husband about your finances: knowing your numbers will make you all the more resolute when you tell him no.

And remember: he'll probably do the beg-plead-threaten-sympathy spin cycle. You may know the drill by now. He'll have some "hot tip" or "guaranteed score" and why can't you help me just this once I promise I'll double your money in just twenty four hours etc etc etc

Knowing this speech is coming someday won't make it any easier, but at least you'll recognize it. Good luck! Keep us posted. Things will work out (though they may get pretty sucky before they get better, but they will get better.). Hang in there.