Narcissistic parent with a shot of illness

[CardinalRose]

This past year has been one extreme carnival ride I want to get off of. It's not one of those peaceful rides that adults get on to relax from the ids; no this ride is the one where you get tricked into riding it and have no control over the seed or duration of the ride.

My year with my already narcissistic mother was pretty tolerable, but just like anything, the tolerable never lasts. My feelings with her were manageable and looking back now I guess you could say I was utterly in denial on how she was treating me up to this point and time while writing this. I think I was afraid and numb at the same time to how she would manipulate my feelings and actions because now that I see her for how cruel she really is, I'm lost in translation of where she ends and I start.

She developed pneumonia in February and while we were there a nurse infiltrated her vein and caused a large hematoma to form. Of course the hospital denies any wrong doing and needless to say when she left, she had developed severe nerve pain and the gradual loss of her left arm. Many nights for two weeks she had episodes lasting 30 minutes to an hour and half of nerve pain that would cause her to sweat and shake. We did go to the hospital and after waiting to get to see an er doctor, we were dismissed with a script of pills and elevation of her arm. Two weeks later, she lost feeling in her left wrist because the blood and compressed her nerves to the point where she couldn't use her hand or flex her wrist. Surgery released the pressure and it would take months for her to get some functionality back. Meanwhile, I was the one who shouldered everything around the house, listening to her cry and try and help through her episodes of depression.

Two months ago, she had a complete shoulder replacement surgery and just last monday, she had a back surgery where 6 nerves were decompressed. All of her surgeries I spent alone and was her only support in recovery.

Sure she says she's appreciative of what I do for her and that she loves me, but when someone who says they love you tells you not to make the situation about you and the entire thing was about her, what kind of jacked up kind of love is that. All I was simply saying is that when she has moments of self pity and whining of how much pain she's in, I feel helpless to help her and that I don't have anyone to help me with her or the little things around the house. I'm not crying because I feel helpless; I'm crying because you devalued how I felt and once again you expect me to be that ever faithful light fixture that uou can depend on for illumination in times of darkness, but never once thought of who,m and how that illumination was being provided.

I don't have the money to move out on my own and my own issues with bpd and antisocial personality disorder make leaning on someone outside the family an internal tug of wmwar where no side has no glimpse of victory at the moment.

I don't know when her npd started and I would even go so far as to say she's the dark triad that makes up npd. I would say that my emotionally neglectful father received most if not all of it while he was married to her and that could explain why I never saw it and why he treated me the way he did. Now that he's out of the picture, she has a new object and it's taken me this long realize that neither of my parents know or understand the true meaning of love for a child.

So at the end of this year, I don't know what is really worse: a parent who is narcissistic or a narcissistic parent who is physically ill.

[brownblob]

Sorry you're having such a rough time with your mother. I'm sorry neither of your parents ever saw you and loved you as they should have. I know being in a caregiver role can be completely thankless. Nothing is ever about you. It's always the patient's needs first and there is always another drs appointment and some other issue coming up. I hope things improve for you.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing. You are a very fine writer.

I honor your effort to take care of your mother. Well done.

If I may, may I kindly and gently offer a suggestion? You are certainly welcome to take or leave the following:

I encourage you, as best you can, to keep a steady stream of good, healthy, vigorous, healing, fresh ideas flowing through your mind. This fine podcast, inspirational material, recovery literature, anything good. I also encourage you to watch funny movies and listen to lots of Beatles (or Michael Jackson, Garth Brooks, or whatever music brings you joy).

Lots of sunshine, look at some trees if you can. Spend time around the water. I don't know if all this will make things better, but you certainly deserve to relax and enjoy yourself.

I plead, gently, for you to take good care of yourself.

[CardinalRose]

Thank you Oak. I re-read my passage and the ocd part of me couldn't get passes the errors I made so I'm glad and thanfull you saw the errors for the words they were meant to be. I am slowly trying to enjoy the little things like I used to before she got sick. My depression comes and goes and right now I have the entire body ache portion. I do have three cats that bring me immense joy for their different personalities. I feel like I'm on the edge of my seat all the time because I could be watching my show (currently Outlander on Starz) and when she's not sleeping, she could call at any given moment or I can hear her moan out in her bedroom with the intent I think of getting my attention. Needless to say sexual sounds have a different and distasteful sound because of her. Thank you again.

[CardinalRose]

Thanks Brownblob for your support. I didn't seem to have a choice with becoming a caregiver. Sure, I could have distanced myself by getting her a nurse, but then I would have been completely without a family. I was her surrogate spouse as a teenager so maybe that was a harbinger of what has come to pass.

[oak]

Very good, CardinalRose! I think you're on your way. I like your chances. You're going to make it.

If I may be so bold, I encourage you to do the following: decide when you'd like to get out of the house in the next week and do something for the pure joy of it. You need not spend any money, but just take 1 or 2, maybe even 3, hours for yourself.

Start to create some boundaries, in other words.

I suppose there will suddenly be an attack of nerves, or somesuch. She may really be experiencing it.

But I encourage you to find your line, you know? Then stick to it.

But for now, you have done well. You are Enough*.



*In the sense that who you are who you should be are the same.

[CardinalRose]

Well she finally admitted that she failed as a parent in terms of comforting skills, but guess how she came to that conclusion? Oh just by the lack of me being comforting to her in Her time of need when she was having a depressive episode and crying like a child. Thank for playing today's show. Stay tuned for next weeks episode

Sorry got off on a tangent there, but had to do it. I think one of the hardest things with her is the change in her personality throughout the day and her not remembering that specific ego that was present and accusing me of not telling her something, making it up, or my personal favorite, "you're right and I'm wrong" said with a pinch of sarcasm (her easiest and most hurtful weapon to date). I also love how she reneges on something she's offered. For example or two: earlier this year she said she would get someone flowers for them doing something for her and she never did it or she tells me she's going to pay me a specific amount due to money she's borrowed and she gives back a smaller portion.

I had a dream last night where there were black ants crawling in my bed, but not on me. They joined together to create a larger more disgusting creature that was out to harm me. I looked up dream anaylsis and it stated that black ants represent something or someone that is bother you and getting under your skin. She didn't give too much concern when I didn't eat dinner tonight, but she'll throw a fit when I'm doing too much and not leaving something for her to do. She's got me so confused and frustrated that I don't enjoy coming home from work.