Sixteen pages to be delivered to my Mother on 03/28

[bigeekgirl]

I've been working on a letter to my mother since sometime before Christmas. It started as therapy homework. I hadn't talked to her since August and I live on the other side of the country. When Paul says he ended up in California because that's where he hit water, I did about the same thing.

By the time I read the first half to my therapist, I knew I would be making connect in writing rather than on the phone. My parents refuse to own a computer and I don't want to buy ink for my printer just for sending my mother the truth. So, as it happens, FedEx office will let you pick a delivery date and while it's not as cheap like a stamp, it's comforting to know when my words will arrive. I situated it one week from my next therapy appointment. I'm fearful both of hurting her and of being dismissed by her. I want her to understand she hurt me and endeavor to move forward in new ways. The intervening months have allowed me to mourn and learn I'm better off without my family than with those relationship as they stood. It still hurts. I'm wondering how I'll feel as the delivery date grows closer.

[manuel_moe_g]

sending you good vibes, bigeekgirl!

[bigeekgirl]

Radio silence from my mother so far.

It speaks to how far I've come through therapy, various work on processing and meditation (oh lord, mediation is amazing) how calm I am. Sure, I'm sad, lonely and waiting for her to lob the ball back into my side of the court, but I'm okay and I accept what I did and know I'm strong enough to handle whatever her response. For the first time yesterday after checking the mail, I thought about the possibility she won't respond at all. It hurts to think my mother who claims to love me (and my brother) more than life itself might give up on me because I didn't contact her for nine short months out of 33 1/2 years of my life and when I did, I told her the truth.

Yet, if I can't speak my truth and be embraced what exactly is the point of the relationship?

[Cinnamon]

Oh, so sorry that this is going on. It sounds like there is a lot of pain and love there and I can't imagine how tough it must be to be waiting for a response.
Did you get confirmation she got it?
is she an avoider in general?
Remember, you can't control her response, the timing of it or any of that and while I am sure you sent this with a lot of release of emotions and pain and honesty, that is all you can do....you can't keep a little string attached to it that will guide any particular outcome. You have to let that expectation go and focus on where you are now, instead of letting her response/non response control where you are now.
Good luck

[bigeekgirl]

Thank you, Cinnamon. I needed to hear what you said if only to have a voice besides my therapist and my own self talk say it:

you can't keep a little string attached to it that will guide any particular outcome. You have to let that expectation go and focus on where you are now, instead of letting her response/non response control where you are now.

I'm working hard at letting go and not putting my life on hold until I hear back. I've been held back all my life by my relationship with her. It's the little things like cleaning my fridge - I swear I'm going to do it when I get up from the computer after a quick stop here and finishing my tea - which I've let get gross. It's big things like getting my driver's license and, the biggest of all, making a concerted effort to get pregnant. Both at the rip old age of 33.

On confirmation, I know it was printed at the FedEx close to her and sent them a message on Friday asking for proof of delivery. How I will laugh if she didn't actually get it and I've been waiting for nothing. Would seem appropriate considering I've waited for understanding and true nurturing from her all my life. I didn't even know what it was that was missing until a few years ago, so it's been a mourning process to let go of what I never actually had.

[bigeekgirl]

I got a card from her. One sentence saying she loves me unconditionally. I opened it Friday with my therapist. At the time, I thought it was okay, if not enough. It wasn't the venom or denial I feared. I had other things on my mind, plus a weekend of fun ahead of me so I don't think I really processed it.

It's not til today it hit me: I wrote her a sixteen page letter explaining how love didn't make my childhood health or stable and how I've always felt like she doesn't see me for me. Her response is basically, "it's okay because I love you anyway" as if her love is the point. Love is the least of what I'm after these days. Proof positive I can't go to her for validation.

I do have a next move planned. Her birthday is coming up in May. I can send her a card. My therapist isn't wrong in saying my mom had only a couple of weeks to process something I've been working on for half a year or more. I fear I was wrong to send the letter, even to cut off phone calls which began more by procrastination than intention. Now that I have said what I had to say, I do want to figure out a way to have some level of contact without being triggered and while maintaining boundaries. Part of me really misses being the friend and confidant. I worry about her mental state and physical health, too, but nothing I ever said made a difference. It was killing me. It was impeding my growth. I think I would miss that relationship less if I had a more full social life. I have my husband and my best friend, but no other intimate friendships. No closeness with other family members. I feel so alone sometimes and like a whole chunk of who I am is gone. Even if that chunk had gangrene, it's still hurts to be missing it.

[manuel_moe_g]

Sending you warm thoughts. Please take care.

[Mentalart]

I can really relate to what you're going through. I'm not in contact with my family except for my dad, and barely any contact with him. I sent my mother a letter a year ago and never got any response. Thanks for sharing your story and if you ever need someone to vent to, let me know.

[bigeekgirl]

I think it may qualify as a genuine irony I'm hurting so much over this mother's day weekend when my mother has always claimed she doesn't care about being celebrated. It even crossed my mind I ought to stay off social media to avoid people gushing about how wonderful their relationships with their Mom are and were, but like picking the most tender scab in existence, I've been extra vigilant in checking Facebook.

While one can never say for sure how it would have been if things were different, I feel one of the hardest things for me is having no other close family bonds. I grew up not living around extended family and rare visits from my biological father who mom had told me so many horrible things about plus moving around so much there was no community roots. I am so incredibly isolated. It's hard for people to understand the extreme loneliness because most people do have some sort of history with family even if it's bad. I feel my connection to the world is tenuous at best. It is assumed one has family and even if they are dispersed far and wide that foundation of identity is something people carry around with them.

All I had was my mother. My selfish, narcissistic, borderline behavior mother who treated me like a friend and confidant with a side of invalidation and rage. I screwed up what bond I had with my brother a long time ago by not contacting him directly and allowing my relationship with my mother to be the only connection when I moved away. Being enmeshed with someone when you live thousands of miles away sound crazy but I was. I have a best friend of over 20 years and last year I married the most wonderful man I can imagine. They are wonderfully supportive even if they don't always understand what I'm going through. But it's not like anyone can make up for the fact I'm not speaking to my mother and there is no other family to fall back on.

I sometimes worry I was rash or overly dramatic in cutting contact with my mother until I remember feeling like that about my feelings is something my mother taught me. I didn't "get myself all upset" when I was a kid nor did I do what I've done lightly. But I miss what relationship we did have even if it left me in a funk for days after I called her. It was toxic but I was still important to her. I was used to being the one she came to with problems from a young age and even growing up to believe it was wrong, it was normal to me. It's weird not knowing what's going on with her. It's better in countless ways because we'd gotten to the point where she'd lost touch with my life to the point I would explain things over and over each time I talked with her. And I hated hearing about her issues with my step-daddy. Not my job but I did it for so long.

I'm lost and lonely. I don't know who I am or where I belong. I tried to explain to my husband today while trying not to get tears and snot on him how I feel like I'm "tagging along" in his life. I couldn't get the rest out partly because at this point it's more pain than coherent thought. I was raised to be the perfect co-dependent. For the first time in my life, I'm not being asked to play the role, but I don't have the build up of my own life to make me feel like an independent person. I don't have somewhere to go on holidays except for his family. I don't even have memories of the Thanksgiving table at Grandma's. I can't change the fact I'll never have those things and it's hard discovering some of what I'm so... screwed up on the inside. I guess it's good but it's not easy. I feel like if I disappeared very little would be impacted. I'm blessed to be very close to a couple people but outside of them I'm not important to anyone else's life. People like me, but when the conversation is over they go back to their family and network of friends to satisfy their social needs. Even if I'm let in, I feel so much shame at trying to explain my ridiculously complex back story especially now approaching a year of not being in contact with my parents.

[manuel_moe_g]

Sending you an {{{internet-hugz}}}, bigeekgirl. You did the right thing, now you are in the painful time of reconstructing yourself. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow. This suffering will not last.