Resource request - Mom's and my issues

[niner9]

I'm new here, but have been listening to the podcast for quite some time. Hi.

Of late, I've become hyper-aware of how my mom's challenges (low self-confidence, depression, control) have really shaped my life and contributed to my lifelong anxiety and restrictive eating patterns. I've been very transparent with my family about the fact that I'm working through some things via therapy and medication. I don't feel shame about these things, and I feel that being open and honest helps me as an individual and perhaps others by destigmatizing mental illness.

My mom acknowledges a need to seek help (therapy) for herself, but won't make the leap. I acknowledge that I have no control over what she does, as frustrating as this is. That said, I'm looking for resources - books, articles, etc. - on tips for adult children of depressed parents. I have a hard time talking to my mom most of the time - she barely asks about my life, is so obviously uncomfortable talking about how I'm managing my anxiety/restrictive eating, and our conversations inevitably end in me being frustrated/upset and being unable to get over it quickly. I want to learn how to better manage this on my end, to protect myself from going down the rabbit hole every time we speak on the phone. Any suggestions?

[Cinnamon]

No real suggestions though I bet a search on amazon will turn up books, or ask the therapist but know that what you are dealing with is tough and you are being brave to face all the issues that came together to cause habits of thinking, vulnerabilities and pain.
It is so hard to know that someone close to you needs help but hesitates and there are a thousand reasons why that might be and some are actually good and protective.
change is scary, facing demons is scary...
maybe your trick is to learn to heal yourself without the burden of carrying your mom along with you - because if you change then how you relate will change too and be prepared for her to resist and suck you back in. so borders. pre plan what you will do if you find the conversation dredging up old wounds or the same song over and over. how will you discus it? picture yourself responding?
and also, we all have been there - we want others to change because we love them but also because, yeah, we want them to change too and there is judgment there...and avoiding a power struggle is the most important thing you can do here. just don't.
good luck.

[bigeekgirl]

Personally, I think her diagnosis - depression or whatever - doesn't matter as much as the dynamic between the two of you. I've read a few books about mothers and daughters lately. "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers", of the ones I've read, my be of use to you. I would also recommend "The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life" which Paul turned me onto and I am forever grateful.

At this point, you've got to care for yourself. I'm not saying you can't have a relationship with your mother, but you can't be the one she goes to with her problems. Why would she seek therapy when she has a daughter to spill her guts to? The books I mentioned have specific plans on how to navigate the relationship, but I don't know if I could have started to make changes without a therapist to talk it all over with.

[FrecklesMcGee]

I would suggest reading about codependency. Some of the hallmark issues in these types of the codependent person are: poor or no boundaries, people pleasing, and care taking other people to your own detriment. If any of those sound like patterns you can see in yourself, you may have become codependent without realizing it because that's the way you had to survive in your home growing up. I have a very manipulative mother also. She has always leaned on me (and my sister) to meet her emotional needs and some of the things you're describing with your mother remind me of mine. I am 37 and just now realizing that the dynamic that we have is codependent. The bible for this issue is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I read it and it changed my life.