Walking the tightrope with no safety net

[Ihavetinnitus_mawp]

I am 32 years old and frequently feel ice cold chills of fear running down my spine when I contemplate that I have no one to fall back on if I try to make a change in my life and am unsuccessful. I want to quit my job so badly just because I can't handle it anymore. My mind and body are deteriorating from the intense pressure of the work that I do and I'm losing ground in all aspects of my life because of it. I think of going back to school but am scared to make the wrong choice (something I'm good at/enjoy that is also employable is a tall order these days). On to the family trouble. 5 years ago I cut ties with my abusive father. He still has no idea why I don't talk to him anymore (obviously I'M the asshole, not him). The main reason I stuck with him so long and allowed the emotional and verbal abuse/manipulation to continue as long as it did was because he was the only member of my family that could support me if I couldn't make it on my own. When I graduated University and got my first real job I finally stood up for myself and walked away from him forever. The feeling of pure exposure and vulnerability was scary. I live with my partner and we share expenses but the idea of relying on him for anything scares me - I need to know I can do it on my own because I'm convinced everyone will abandon me some day. Now my immediate family is on my mother's side. They are their own brand of crazy culty con artists and I only stay in occasional contact with some of them. The biggest family shitstorm for me is my mother's mental illness. Everyone else in her family has basically turned their back on her - mental illness is not acknowledged as a thing in my family. She is not formally diagnosed because she is too poor to get real meaningful help and too in denial about it to try. The terms I've heard thrown around are paranoia, delusional disorder, learning disabilities, depression, anxiety, emotional neglect and abuse. She didn't have a shot at having a good or healthy life and it causes me so much pain to know that she's in such a precarious place as her mental and physical health continue to deteriorate and no one around her can or want to help her. She pushes every one of my buttons and I find I can't be around her without feeling like I'm suppressing intense rage and resentment for which I feel incredibly guilty because I also love her very much and understand that even though my childhood sucked that she tried her best and that she does love me. So not only do I feel like I have no support system but I have an aging parent with no support system of her own that is going to come crashing down on me. I'm so afraid she will drag me down into the abyss with her where we will both be of no use to anyone. My mental health feels so fragile that I constantly live in fear of how her deterioration will impact me both emotionally and financially and whether I can survive it.

[Electric_Myst]

Oh man, I just read your post feeling a weird sense that I could have written most of it. Our situations and people sound incredibly similar, except that my dad maybe wasn't quite as bad (and didn't have money), just a crippled, emotionally abusive asshole that I cut out of my life 14 years ago.

I just quit my job (without having another one) 2 months ago because of some incredibly destructive and emotionally abusive relationship dynamics going on. Before that, my job had been a sense of pride, identity and community for me for 6 years. It's been a really hard transition, but also incredibly freeing.

I especially understand the fear of supporting yourself without a safety net. I am now unemployed and pouring money into starting my own company, having no idea if I will succeed in supporting myself. My mom is emotionally and physically unstable, poor, and after not really ever parenting me, now relies on my for a ton of support that feels like a continuation of parenting that I have to do, that I never had. I have a few other family members, but they are more stress than help usually.

Have you ever been in therapy? It has helped me so much (especially with my relationship with my mom) though the more I learn and dig into, the more there seems to be to deal with... But overall, I think it's incredibly helpful to have someone to talk to who is trained and knowledgable about all the different systems and patterns and causes of behavior and mental illness.

Anyway, I wanted to reach out and let you know that you're not alone. We have a lot in common and I'm here if you ever want to talk more.