Arguing with Dad over my sister

[Lili_Catilla]

This morning I got into an argument over text with my Dad about my sister.

She is applying to dental school. I don't think this is a great idea given the fact that she finds intensive schooling really stressful and had pretty negative experiences in college, but it's her decision. Or is it?

Every time in her life she's ever had to apply for something she freezes up with anxiety and it usually only gets completed because my parents do it for her. Now, she is 27, and the same thing is happening with her dental school applications. My dad asked me to help her and I gave her some advice about how to answer the various application questions. At the same time she revealed that our dad had already written answers for her for most of them.

I texted him and said I didn't feel great about this, because it basically amounts to plagiarism (I've spent a lot of time teaching so I have lots of feelings about plagiarism in general). He told me that he knows her experiences well enough to write for her, and that it's fine because she'll probably end up editing them to some extent. He said that he knows she won't get it done if he doesn't give her somewhere to start. I know that's probably true but I still didn't like it.

I suggested that if she has this many problems with following through in these situations (and this is a very long-standing habit), maybe she should consider going to therapy and learning some coping skills. I myself have struggled a lot with procrastination in my academic career, and I found therapy helpful. He basically said that she'd gone before and it hadn't helped, that I might want and believe in therapy but she doesn't.

Now, my family has always been very negative towards mental health care in general. Both of my parents are physicians, and they're highly skeptical about psychiatrists and therapists in general. My mother once asked me what she could do to improve our relationship. I said "go to therapy" and she outright refused, because she thinks therapists are bullshit. So, this felt like an attack on me, even if it wasn't a direct one or intended as such.

On top of that I think my father was clearly upset that I described what he is doing as plagiarism.

Anyway, I guess my question is, what should I do? I feel like my parents are harming my sister by enabling her in this way. If she gets into dental school under false pretenses, I don't think it will help her. It will only make things worse when she can't perform under pressure. On the other hand, is it really my business or my problem? My parents are so resistant to anything I say. My sister breaks down utterly at the slightest hint of criticism (or what she sees as criticism) so I don't see much point in telling her what I think.

Maybe there is nothing I can do. This situation wouldn't bother me so much if my parents weren't constantly asking me to help my sister out, even though she will never ask me for help without their prompting. And I also feel resentful, honestly. She was always the baby. I feel like they've always been indulgent towards her in a way that has stunted her agency. I've done most of this same stuff on my own, although my parents have helped me out a lot money-wise.

Anyway, I'm just not sure how to deal with my feelings around this whole dynamic with my sister and my parents. Any suggestions?

[HowDidIGetHere]

Speaking as one who has been enabled in exactly that way for many years, I'd say you're spot on, at least about your parents doing your sister a disservice (I can't speak to whether your sister would succeed at dental school or not). You would have a very hard time changing that dynamic, though, since it's the kind of thing that works for both of them. Your parents don't have to see their daughter struggle and possibly fail and your sister doesn't have to risk making an effort and not succeeding. Plus, it's very hard to convince someone that they're losing out by not living an independent existence when they've never done it and can only see how much work it is. After all, being an adult is effing hard. Why would you do it if you had a choice?

Since I identify so closely with your sister (and might very well be projecting my own crap onto her), would you also say that she's a perfectionist or has a very hard time with making mistakes? Making choices can be very difficult when there's the ever-present fear of making the wrong one.

[Lili_Catilla]

HowDidIGetHere:

Thanks so much for your reply. I think you're right. There's not much I can do. Admittedly, I'm afraid that someday, when my parents can no longer do these things for her, my sister will become my burden. I love her, but we're not super close, and I have never wanted children or been much of a natural caretaker at all, so this is a big fear for me. (This is a bit less now that she has a serious boyfriend - I kind of hope they'll stay together so she'll become his responsibility)

I'd say she's a perfectionist to the point of total paralysis. I myself am a perfectionist and a procrastinator, but I'd say i generally get my sh*t together in time to do the things I really need to do - even if they're slapdash or inadequate. She doesn't. She's so paralyzed by fear that she often doesn't do anything at all, and then she actually does fail sometimes. This has been a big pattern in her life from what I've seen. Luckily for her, my parents often swoop in to browbeat her constantly and do her work for her, and she's smart so with all of these things together, she's managed to get by.

It's so interesting to hear from someone who has identified themselves as being in a similar situation to hers. I feel like I can't talk to her about any of these things because she's so hyper sensitive and it doesn't make any sense to start a conversation if it's just going to make her shut down and be an emotional wreck. I want to help her, but I don't know if that's even possible.

[oak]

Hi! Thanks for posting. I am glad you are using your words.

Is it plagiarism? Oooooh, probably. Does essay-tweaking go on all the time? Yes. Is graduate school a big scam? Often. I do wonder, personally, how much the essay means in the big picture of grad school admissions, considering all the political nonsense that attends such transactions (and grad school is only a transaction).

Having known people who've gone through dental school: oh goodness is not for the indulged. Perhaps dental school (if she gets in) will toughen her up. Or maybe she'll wash out. It happens.

I wish I could offer some amazing advice, but I am super tired.

I guess, being exhausted, this would be it: at age 27, we are all on our own. If your sister has a college degree, she has a great privilege. If she asks you for help (read:$$$) tell her this: "If you are looking for a helping hand, look to the end of your arm". While this is cruel to say, it is less cruel than that cold world out there treats people who delay growing up, I can assure you of that. Better to hear from you than the world. Word is bond.

Sorry for being so negative! Please forgive me.

I can't help but think that one year of retail work would do her good.

Again, sorry for being a blunt jerk!

[HowDidIGetHere]

I'd say she's a perfectionist to the point of total paralysis. I myself am a perfectionist and a procrastinator, but I'd say i generally get my sh*t together in time to do the things I really need to do - even if they're slapdash or inadequate. She doesn't. She's so paralyzed by fear that she often doesn't do anything at all, and then she actually does fail sometimes. This has been a big pattern in her life from what I've seen. Luckily for her, my parents often swoop in to browbeat her constantly and do her work for her, and she's smart so with all of these things together, she's managed to get by.

Man, there's a lot I identify here as well. I was always the "smart enough to get by" kid who has since graduated to an underperforming adult. I also completely identify with the hypersensitivity. I wish I could explain why perceived (and I emphasize the "perceived" because even kind suggestions can feel like criticism) feels like such a death threat. It's the kind of thing I can see has made my life so much harder than it's needed to be, but I still can't imagine a different way of being.

All of which definitely puts you in a tough spot. It's likely she's got at least one mood or personality disorder that would need to be treated before substantial change can happen. It's also unlikely that she will seek treatment under her own steam while your parents are keeping disaster at bay. I don't know if you're familiar with Al-anon (a support group for families and friends of alcoholics), but they have a principle they call "detachment with love." Basically, you do what you need to do for yourself so that when the inevitable train wreck happens, you can maintain your center and maybe help her pick up the pieces.

[Lili_Catilla]

oak:

I guess it's not so much the plagiarism itself (although that is not ok with me, regardless of how common it is), it's the fact that it's a symptom of a much larger dynamic. I don't know how she will cope - even when she's lived on her own she calls my parents every day with every little problem. Once while I was visiting them she called crying because her roommates threw out her leftovers. So . . . this particular incident is just part of something much bigger.

HowDidIGetHere:

I have a lot of sympathy for my sister. We basically have some very similar issues - anxiety, procrastination, perfectionism, fear of criticism. But I just have them to a somewhat lesser extent. I really, really understand the hypersensitivity. I have it too, my reaction is just less extreme.

Also, if you listened to the mini-episode on narcissism and co-narcissism . . . Basically I ended up with more of the narcissistic traits (which, believe me, I'm working on hard not to perpetuate or manifest) and my sister ended up being the more co-narcissistic one.

I just worry that she'll never seek help because my parents are so negative about it. I know therapy can't fix everything, but it's made a change in my life and I think it would help her too. But it seems like there are too many barriers in the way.

I think you're right though. There's not a lot I can do about this situation. And honestly, I don't see her coming to me unless our parents start to have less of an influence. Despite loving me and being proud of me on some level, and my having had some academic success, my parents really regard me with suspicion. They equate the fact that I have expressed my dislike of some of the things they do/have done with me thinking that they are "bad people" and not loving them enough. I understand why my sister would be hesitant to follow me and lose her status with them.