Going "No contact"

[opal.emerald]

Well... it finally happened. We cut ties completely with my husband's family. This could get long so I apologize for my ability to turn a simple conversation into a dang book. lol
My husband and I had a double session with my therapist last Friday, where we talked about where things were going with his family. Things have been rocky the 5 years we have been together but the last few months has been grueling (see my other posts). We finally met with his parents a while back, which didn't go terribly, but I did have horrible anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop. Our therapist suggested we make amends and we started with my husband's sister. She responded to my husband's well worded, well thought out message with some nonsense followed by "leave me the f alone". We both told her separately that the relationship is in her hands and until she either reaches out to us or gets help, we will not involve ourselves in her life (we used wording advised by my therapist). His mother tried to get involved and I flat out ignored her but my husband told her it didn't involve her so she should stay out of it.

A couple of days later, I found out a few things about my husband's finances I didn't know, and was talking over my options in this situation with my mom. She told me my husband's mother said that they payed off a $1000 warrant that was out for my husband the weekend our daughter was born. This was a complete lie. The issue she was talking about was a year and a half before that, and I was actually the one who paid it off. His mother had lied to my mother, made her own son look bad in my parents' eyes, and lied about even being involved. I didn't even know she knew of this situation. I called my husband, and told him what my mom had said, so he called his mother to discuss it. She really wasn't forthcoming with information for him so I called her. She went on and on about how we were so irresponsible with money (she's taken out credit cards in my husband's name and his sibling's name... so this lit a fire under me, a financially stable 26 year old with a hefty savings account). I went off on her. I told her she was no longer a part of my life as she has caused conflict between myself, my husband, and my parents. My husband then called her to tell her he was very hurt and she told him she didn't want a relationship with us and that he was not welcome at her funeral. I am upset with my husband about the financial situation we are in as he did mislead me about loans, but I'm even more upset that his own mother tried to drag him down in my mother's eyes. I have so much anger and rage, and I don't know what to do with it. I don't want things to be this way but I see no other choice.

My question is how does this no contact thing work? Do we just ignore them any time they contact us? Do we tell them when they call/text (because its already happening) that we don't want contact from them and if it continues we will block their numbers? I don't want to engage but ignoring stories his mom is sending me that are good memories to me is infuriating. She's trying to get at my guilt and reel me back in. Help! How do I stop this?

[manuel_moe_g]

The best path forward is the one that feels the most self-loving. Imagine being the loving and compassionate and caring adult to your six-year-old-self, and perform those actions of love and protectiveness. You will feel it in your heart, I cannot guess what is the most self-loving action for you to take. Please take care, you don't deserve this suffering. We here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[moonlightwatie]

Yes, ignore any of their attempts to contact you. Block their numbers and set up filters on your email accounts to have all their messages marked read and either deleted or put into a folder so you don't have to see them. They will try hard to get you to respond. Be strong and keep ignoring them. Any contact from you will only encourage them to keep pestering you.

Good luck!

[opal.emerald]

Moe seriously some times I think you are my therapist in disguise. He said basically the exact same thing lol. I appreciate your continued support, means a lot to me!

Sometimes I want to just walk away and start over with my life... but I love my husband and I can't imagine life without him.

thank you both for your kind words! <3

[irrationalpersist]

I have gone through several different iterations of "no contact". The way I look at it now is, "Just for today I am not going to have any contact with this particular family member. I don't know about tomorrow, or anytime in the future. I don't know if I will attend their funeral. Just for today I don't have to know. Just for today I am going to practice healthy self-care, and for me, that means I won't make contact."

When I think of cutting of my entire family for the rest of my life I feel overwhelmed. It is like giving up any bad influence in my life. I just have to make a decision for right now, and trust I will know the next right thing to do.

It sounds like you and your husband are enduring crazy boundary violations. The change back behaviour will probably escalate as the family system goes into distress when all the usual characters and roles are not accounted for. Family distress can be extremely triggering, especially when we think that we can finally rescue the family that has always been unmanageable.

I have been surprised by the amount of grief work I continue to have to process as I separate from my family. One relationship at a time. One encounter at a time.