Spouse is emotionally immature

[rxtravaganza]

Let me start by saying that my husband is a great person in so many ways: he's a super talented musician and artist, financially responsible and intelligent (much more so than me), a great cook, funny, passionate, affectionate, attractive and makes me feel attractive and loved. He has emotionally supported me through two years of emotional and mental hell as I recovered childhood memories of abuse, sticking by my side through terrible rage blackouts, a suicide attempt and cutting off my relationship with my father.

But his emotional growth and maturity often leave a lot to be desired and I end up feeling like he's a teenager and I'm his mother. What prompted me to write this today is that I woke up first, made coffee, hard boiled eggs, gently nudged him awake, did a few chores while he had his coffee and watched some TV, got him a coffee refill, and wrote him the grocery list. Then I made myself some breakfast and sat down to eat it, he saw and said "I guess this means you're not coming to the store with me?", Me:"No.", Him:"Why not?", Me:"Do you need me to?", Him:"I don't need you to! It's just why can't you come with me! Ugh!". Then he looked at my food and asked if there was any more and I told him there was enough for him to make some, and he stomped away huffing.

It freaks me out and makes me sad because that is the exact type of relationship I did NOT want to end up in: that was the dynamic between my mother and father when they were at their BEST (I won't get into the worst, different topic). I understand why my husband can revert to an adolescent state since he lost his mother extremely suddenly when he was barely 17 and he still hasn't fully processed it. He rarely talks about her and when he does it sounds like she was a very stressful, unpredictable, smothering person. As far as I know there was no sexual or physical abuse from anyone in his family, but he was forced into being an adult when he was a very young child.

So I am compassionate to the root of it, but it is still SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING when it comes out: acting super snarky and sarcastic when I'm trying to talk to him seriously, he gets huffy and defensive at benign questions like "can you close the door, please?" even said in the sweetest tone with a shit-eating grin, pouting if I make myself a snack without offering him any even though I usually do but don't feel like I should have to every time (sometimes I find myself offering just out of obligation), he never ever puts things away after using them or places things back the way they were and if I ask him to, calmly and politely, he (again) gets huffy and says I'm "making a big deal", if we're having an argument he will say hurtful things that hit below the belt and then immediately recants them as not being "what he meant" and saying I misinterpreted him.

He calls me demanding and difficult and says I have unrealistic expectations about keeping the house clean, but I think he honestly doesn't realize how much I pick up after him. He literally leaves garbage on the counter and gets mad if I tell him to throw it out. If I just went on strike and didn't do these things then I would be living in trash too and I still think he would blame me for the house not being clean.

He has been the only one with a job since October while I've been on unemployment for a knee surgery, but the situation had been the exact opposite for a year and a half before that. Still, while I earned and he was unemployed, I still did more house chores than he does now (my work was far more demanding, too). He constantly uses "I work, you don't" as an excuse not to pick up after himself, despite how many times I remind him of having been on the other side of that table. He regards his salary as "his" money and immediately gets defensive when I begin discussing our joint finances (I contribute every cent of my small unemployment cheque to our expenses). He always has money to go out drinking with his guy friends but if I bring up that our house needs a repair or something, he suddenly has no money. He manages his personal finances very well, but has a really hard time accepting that our finances are legally bound by law.

I try to focus on dealing with this by controlling my own reactions to it, but I hate feeling like I'm the mean bossy parent or the "ball and chain" (which he has called me in front of his guy friends, thinking it's funny. It's NOT.) Of course, I struggle with co-dependency so it makes it even harder to just say, that's how he feels, I didn't do anything wrong, let him deal with it. Even if I do, he stomps around the house slamming doors and frowning and putting this awful tense passive-aggressive vibe all over the place.

He is not in therapy, does not want to go and refuses to despite how many times we've talked about how it would help him. I have been in therapy for two years. Even with my therapist saying she would do couples sessions with us, I can't get him to go.

It felt REALLY REALLY good to type this all out and if you actually read it all, thank you. Do any of you deal with childish behaviour from your spouses? How do you cope?

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello rxtravaganza!

I read the whole thing. I honor your pain. I have no good advice. Please continue working on yourself, because that is the part of the situation you can control. Please take care, all the best, cheers, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow!

[oak]

Hey!

Thanks for sharing. I am glad you used your voice. Good for you.

What follows is gender normative and stereotypical. But it does jive with my experience as a man. Also, course language.

(First up, in general, your husband sounds like he is doing alot right. Good for him!)

Yeah, it sounds like your husband needs some guy friends, guys who will plainly tell him he is acting like a jerk. Not that you husband *is* a jerk, but that he (like all of us) can be a jerk sometimes.

At the risk of being a Negative Nancy, the expectation that you can read minds is proto-abusive. Typically, if a man wants to invite someone to the store, he is direct and positive. "Hey, I am going to the store. Would you like to join me?" Men should be direct, focused on action, and economical with their words.

In other words, this expectation that you can/should be able to read his mind is a bad sign. Not abusive, IME, but on the road to abuse. I hope I am proven wrong, in your case.

Next up, if some storm off after my offer of eggs, I would tell them to fuck off.

A tough question: does he talk to his boss like this?

If not, why can he "control himself" around his boss, but not to you?

I am very troubled to hear that he demeaned you in front of his friends. That is a very bad sign. Very bad.

Part of being a grown up is stating our needs and desires, being kind with the people we are around, and cleaning up after ourselves. If a man is of sound mind and body he should want to be clean. A toddler can leave a mess. A grown man should not. Again, does he leave messes at work?

Like I said, I hope that my guess of proto-abusiveness is wrong. Were an intimate partner do that to me (and it has happened!), I would consider them red flags.

To be blunt, if someone made fun of me in front of their friends, I would dump them.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. And I hope I am wrong. I may well be wrong.

Good luck.